U.S. and Ukraine Agree to Minerals Deal, Officials Say
Acidly: In a dramatic showdown, Ukraine has agreed to hand over mineral revenues to the U.S., succumbing to President Trump’s relentless pressure—think insults and threats. While Zelensky seeks security guarantees to fend off Russia, Trump just wants his share of the spoils. A previous $500 billion demand was trimmed, but good luck figuring out what Ukraine actually gains. Trust the guy who equates international diplomacy to a flea market transaction. Critics note the cost in lives lost—oh well, more important things to haggle over!
Israel Confirms Body Returned by Hamas Is That of Shiri Bibas
Acidly: Hamas, in its typical charm, decided to play a macabre game of corpse tag, turning over the body of Shiri Bibas to the Red Cross. After a misstep handing over another cadaver—because, why not mix up bodies?—Israeli forensic experts confirmed it was indeed Bibas, alongside her two adorable dead kids. Surprise! The ceasefire still limps along, while the Bibas family feels the joy of closure—except, of course, it’s just another chapter in this ongoing nightmare. Cheers to negotiation mishaps!
Martin Scorsese Urges Italy's President to Save Rome's Movie Theaters
Acidly: Oh, the horror! Rome's grand movie theaters might soon transform into shopping centers, because who needs culture when you can buy bad jeans and overpriced lattes? Scorsese, Campion, and an army of directors are clutching their pearls over this travesty. Their open letter begs for paper-thin preservation of culture—like that’ll help. Raffaele Mincione, some financier, is probably drooling over this real estate bonanza while the city’s cinematic legacy crumbles. Say goodbye, Rome, it was nice knowing you.
The Good Ol'Ads
Exclusive: After an Unparalleled Career, WNBA Star Diana Taurasi Announces Her Retirement
Acidly: Diana Taurasi, the WNBA’s GOAT, is hanging up her sneakers at 42 because apparently, New Year’s resolutions must come with a side of introspection and ennui. After two decades of gutting the competition, she admitted to TIME, “I just didn’t have it in me,” as if the weight of 10,646 points and six gold medals wasn’t enough. She leaves a league she helped resurrect, but let’s be real—her competitive fire might just have been extinguished by those parent-teacher meetings she now has to attend.
Who Will Run ‘Star Wars’ After Kathleen Kennedy Leaves? One of Hollywood’s Hottest — and Hardest — Jobs Opens Up
Acidly: So, who wants to babysit the Star Wars franchise? That job comes with a bullseye on your back. After Kathleen Kennedy’s rollercoaster tenure, new contenders are scrambling to inherit this disaster. Six years without a film and the last flick was a flop? Perfect! Candidates like Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni might possess the skill to turn this franchise around, but they’d be wise to consult a crystal ball. Let’s face it: navigating this galaxy of criticism requires a Jedi-level of denial and a flair for magic!
Every planet of our solar system is lining up in the February night sky
Acidly: Ah, another “spectacular” planetary parade gracing our skies, as if we haven’t seen enough celestial disappointments. Seven planets align, but good luck spotting them with your naked eye—unless you enjoy squinting into the void. They say Venus, Mars, and Jupiter will join the fun, while Mercury and Saturn play peekaboo near the horizon. But don’t get your hopes up; only the dimmest will be visible. Grab your stargazing app and prepare to be underwhelmed. They’ll be gone soon—just like your enthusiasm.
The Good Ol'Ads
Tesla Stock Falls 8% as Concerns About Elon Musk’s Political Role Grow
Acidly: Tesla’s stock is plummeting faster than Elon Musk can tweet. After riding high on Trump’s coattails, the electric carmaker faces an 8% nosedive, wiping out months of gains. Apparently, navigating right-wing politics is less productive than, you know, selling cars. Sales in Europe dropped 50%, even as EV demand surged, proving that the Cybertruck isn't the miracle they promised. Investors are losing patience, and Musk’s status as the richest man hangs by a thread. Maybe stick to cars, Elon?
Adobe launches a Photoshop iPhone app
Acidly: Adobe is bringing Photoshop to mobile, because apparently, young creatives can't bear to put down their phones for a second. The iPhone app, launching first with a subscription lovingly priced at $7.99 a month, lets them blend images and use features like the “Tap Select” tool—so revolutionary! Now they can create “art” while scrolling through TikTok. Early testers made everything from mood boards to memes—proof that we really did lower the bar for art. Thanks, Adobe; keep the mediocrity flowing!
A mystery illness in Congo has killed more than 50 people hours after they felt sick
Acidly: In an awe-inspiring turn of events, three children in Congo decided to snack on bats, leading to a delightful little mystery illness that has snuffed out over 50 lives in five weeks. Nothing says “healthy eating” like the joy of hemorrhagic fever. Health experts are baffled—Ebola, Marburg, and friends have been ruled out, leaving only confusion and a stomach-turning reality. As the death toll rises and villagers continue to feast on wildlife, let’s toast to curiosity and the slow but inevitable roll of Darwin’s dice. Cheers!