Key takeaways from Donald Trump’s first cabinet meeting with Elon Musk
Acidly: In a bizarre cabinet meeting, Trump hosted billionaire tech support guru Musk—who waved a "tech support" T-shirt like it was a superhero cape—while plotting layoffs in the bureaucracy. Musk, channelling a dystopian HR nightmare, insisted federal employees needed to prove they're not dead to keep their jobs. Meanwhile, Trump juggled a “gold card” immigration plan for the wealthy, and pondered unraveling trade with Canada and Mexico. As usual, logic took a holiday, and sanity was left at the door.
Israel and Hamas Exchange Prisoners and Hostage Remains
Acidly: In a macabre exchange, Hamas presented the remains of four Israeli hostages, while Israel, in a show of despair, released some Palestinian prisoners. Forget the theatrics of past handovers; this time it was just grim efficiency. Netanyahu's office confirmed the unceremonious transfer, but don't hold your breath for peace—both sides are ready to resume their deadly tango at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, families cling to hope amid the chaos, as a new round of negotiations teeters on the brink of oblivion.
Lockdown lifted at US naval base in Italy after 'security incident'
Acidly: In a thrilling episode of “Lockdown Lite," a U.S. naval base in Italy decided to play hide-and-seek with a “possible explosive device.” Spoiler alert: it was just a non-threat—like a bad action movie. After a dramatic three-hour shelter-in-place, Navy Security Force personnel scrambled about as if they were on a scavenger hunt, patting themselves on the back once the bomb squad confirmed it was just a regular package. Stay tuned for the next electrifying installment of “Security Theater: The Neverending Saga.”
The Good Ol'Ads
Report: Matthew Stafford met with Tom Brady in Montana
Acidly: Tom Brady, the man who moonlights as a majority owner and an analyst, has apparently decided that casually skiing with Rams’ quarterback Matthew Stafford in Montana was his best shot at being a recruiter. Because nothing says “unplanned encounter” like two NFL stars crossing paths at a ski resort. Meanwhile, NFL rules loom over this ill-advised meetup like an angry mother. Brady’s about to find that lobbying Stafford violates tampering rules—and that the NFL’s wrath doesn’t discriminate, even for him.
Michelle Trachtenberg, ‘Gossip Girl’ and ‘Buffy’ Actress, Dies at 39
Acidly: Michelle Trachtenberg, the angst-ridden sister on “Buffy,” was found dead in a Manhattan apartment at 39. Authorities are claiming no foul play, which is a relief—who wants an investigation ruining the image of our troubled 90s icon? She once embraced her teen role with the same grace as a rhinestone-studded train wreck. Remember her in “EuroTrip”? Yeah, that was awkward. A proud product of Hollywood, she dodged addiction like a pro, but ultimately couldn’t escape her tragic fate. Bravo, life.
How to Watch the Launch of Intuitive Machines’s Second Moon Landing Mission
Acidly: Intuitive Machines is giving the moon another shot with its lander, Athena. This time, let’s pray it stays upright. Launched on a Falcon 9 rocket, it's set to aim for the Mons Mouton region on March 6. Last year, their first lander, Odysseus, made headlines by managing to communicate while lying on its side—an impressive feat of engineering misjudgment. Athena is, shockingly, just like Odysseus. Fingers crossed they fixed that pesky code. If not, prepare for another comedy show in space!
The Good Ol'Ads
Nvidia earnings recap: Jensen Huang shouts out strong Blackwell demand and DeepSeek as company beats estimates
Acidly: Nvidia, the chip-like superhero, just shattered Wall Street’s expectations again, reporting a jaw-dropping $39.33 billion in revenue—because why settle for mediocrity? Blackwell's demand was “extraordinary” according to CEO Jensen Huang, who’s clearly never heard of understatement. Meanwhile, the stock saw a fleeting dip, likely from traders fainting at the thought of tariffs. But fear not; Nvidia's back with over-inflated forecasts, proving yet again that hype beats reality. Welcome to the AI playground!
Introducing Alexa+, the next generation of Alexa
Acidly: Welcome to the future: meet Alexa+, your digital overlord. Talk about “smart” tech—she plays your favorite song and organizes your life without breaking a sweat. Forget about actually thinking or planning; just ask her to handle everything from your grocery list to fixing your oven. Want privacy? Good luck. For $19.99 a month (free for Prime members—hooray!), she’s got your data on lock. So kick back, relax, and let Alexa+ remind you how much you pay to surrender control of your life. Exciting, right?
Child hospitalized with measles died in West Texas amid outbreak
Acidly: In Lubbock, a child has tragically died from measles, marking the first U.S. death from this delightful disease since 2015. The little one, unvaccinated, succumbed amid a joyful outbreak that's infected 124 in nearly 30 years. Meanwhile, health officials are giving frequent updates, which apparently isn't enough to solve the “problem.” Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says the government is “watching” it all unfold—how reassuring. It’s a charming reminder that sometimes, ignorance really does result in a deadly lesson.