Judge says mass firings of probationary employees by the Trump administration were invalid
Acidly: In a plot twist even reality TV would envy, a judge just told the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) to stop trying to play puppet master by firing probationary employees. Apparently, OPM's grasp on authority is as shaky as their memo-writing skills. With a ruling from Judge William Alsup that they’ve got zero power to order firings, the OPM is left scrambling. As if that wasn’t enough, the judge might make their acting head testify in court, adding more theatrics to this bureaucratic soap opera. Bravo!
Pope Francis continues to improve in the hospital, Vatican says
Acidly: Pope Francis is on the mend, which is shocking news, considering how many religious leaders have faced worse fates while dodging accountability. The Vatican assures us the pontiff's condition is “complex,” a diplomatic spin for “we’re still worried.” After two weeks in the hospital—doing more rest and physio than your average couch potato—he’s now progressing to intense prayer sessions. Let’s just hope his improved health doesn’t coincide with a surge in papal responsibilities. Stay tuned, everyone!
Lockdown lifted at US naval base in Italy after 'security incident'
Acidly: In a riveting Tuesday performance, U.S. Naval Base Sigonella in Italy put on a dramatic lockdown show for a nonexistent explosive threat. For over three hours, security forces scrambled while everyone held their breath over a suspicious vehicle that turned out to be as threatening as a wet napkin. They eventually lifted the “shelter-in-place” order, allowing everyone to breathe the fresh Mediterranean air again. Bravo, Navy Security, for your world-class response to absolute nothingness!
The Good Ol'Ads
Full list of 2025 NFL combine measurements and 40-yard dash times, plus winners and losers for each position
Acidly: Welcome to the NFL Scouting Combine, where future stars prance around in their spandex, fueled by dreams of fame and copious protein shakes. First up, the defensive linemen and linebackers show off their awkward physiques and unsettlingly precise measurements—because "how big is your wingspan?" is a valid icebreaker. Highlights include Alfred Collins, who’s now a literal giant among giants, and poor Mason Graham, who lost weight and potentially his career, one ounce at a time. Drama? You bet.
Gene Hackman, wife and dog found dead in home under 'suspicious' circumstances; 2 other dogs found alive
Acidly: In a gripping episode of “What the Hell Just Happened,” 95-year-old Oscar winner Gene Hackman and his 65-year-old wife, Betsy, were discovered dead in their Santa Fe home—along with their unfortunate German shepherd. Authorities found no signs of foul play, just a scene best described as morbidly fascinating: a mummified Betsy near a space heater and Gene tumbling in the mud room. Toxicology tests are pending. Not to worry, folks—there's always a multitude of reasons why the couple may look like set props from a horror flick.
How to spot February’s parade of 7 planets, according to astronomers
Acidly: Good news for night owls! February is rolling out a celestial buffet of seven planets—Mercury, Uranus, Neptune, and the usual suspects: Mars, Venus, Jupiter, and Saturn. But don’t get too giddy. You’ll need binoculars unless you enjoy squinting at the sky like an idiot. Mercury and Saturn are basically hiding from you in the sunset's glow, while Neptune and Uranus? Forget it without a telescope. But hey, look for Venus—it’s the only one playing nice. Good luck spotting the rest before they vanish again!
The Good Ol'Ads
Consumer watchdog quits cases against firms accused of ripping off Americans
Acidly: In a shocking twist that has consumers cheering and corporations breathing easier, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) decided to drop lawsuits against Capital One and others—just like that. Apparently, the Trump administration’s newly empowered officials prefer letting banks run wild over pesky regulation. Elizabeth Warren called it out as Elon Musk’s playground, while companies like Capital One turned their legal losses into profits. Who knew it was so easy to turn a watchdog into a lapdog? Investors rejoice while consumers... well, good luck!
OpenAI unveils GPT-4.5 ‘Orion,’ its largest AI model yet
Acidly: OpenAI just rolled out its latest toy, GPT-4.5, and promptly deleted a line from its white paper that admitted it wasn't a "frontier model." How charmingly self-deluded. While it’s setting new records for size—because apparently, that’s the goal—it’s still not the brainiac some hoped for, falling short against rivals. The cost? A lovely $150 per million output tokens. So, if your wallet’s feeling hefty, have at it! But hey, it can draw a unicorn and offer sympathetic vibes—two critical life skills, right? Can’t wait for the next mediocre upgrade!
What RFK Jr. has said about the ongoing measles outbreak
Acidly: In Texas, where common sense is as rare as a unicorn, measles is making a comeback—great job, anti-vaxxers! The outbreak has hit an insular religious community hard, with 124 sick and even one death; way to go, parental choices! Claiming to wrestle with health authority, RFK Jr. is busy cultivating vaccine skepticism while conveniently ignoring basic science. With vaccination rates plummeting, America is hurtling back to the Dark Ages, proving that ignorance truly is a contagious disease.