Europe Rallies Around Zelensky After Explosive White House Meeting
Acidly: In this soap opera of global politics, European leaders rushed to kiss Ukraine's president, Zelensky's, metaphorical behind after Trump unleashed a storm of criticism, calling him a dictator. Macron played nice, telling America to support Ukraine, while the Germans pretended to be helpful, probably hoping to avoid Trump’s wrath. Meanwhile, Hungary's Orban decided to join the "strongmen make peace" fan club. Zelensky, ever the diplomat, thanked them all – even Trump. Clearly, gratitude is a currency with inflation these days.
Pope Francis Suffers a Health Setback, Inhaling Vomit
Acidly: Pope Francis, 88 and shrouded in a questionable aura of health, nearly choked on his own insides after what was supposed to be a leisurely session of prayer and physiotherapy. Sounds like a divine comedy, doesn’t it? As the Vatican spins this twisted yarn of hope, his doctors likely cling to the concept of “good spirits” while he gasps under a mask. The world holds vigil, tossing up prayers like bingo cards, but let’s be real—his health is more complex than a Dan Brown plot. Stay tuned for the next episode in “As the Pope Turns.”
She traveled to Italy to save her marriage. Here’s how she ended up falling for her Italian tour guide
Acidly: Monica Kennedy thought a trip to Italy could save her crumbling marriage. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. While she wallowed in pasta with her husband, she met Isidoro, an Italian tour guide who probably didn't sign up to be her therapist. Fast forward through a divorce, endless messaging, and an emotional reunion later, and voilà! They married in a pandemic—because nothing says romance like a private ceremony and questionable health. Now they live in Tuscany, proving love thrives on chaos. What an unexpected plot twist!
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Full list of 2025 NFL combine results and 40-yard dash times, plus winners and losers for every position
Acidly: The NFL Scouting Combine: four days of muscle-flexing and measuring in Indianapolis, where dreams of glory dance with harsh reality. Defensive linemen strut, hoping to catch a scout's eye while avoiding the "loser" label. Enter Elijah Arroyo, a shining star at 250 pounds with a wingspan no one can ignore. Meanwhile, Tyler Warren, sadly, enters the loser chat with his dainty hands. And let's not forget Jake Briningstool, whose tiny mitts scream "not ready for prime time." Welcome to the meat market, kids!
Gene Hackman’s Pacemaker Provides First Clue as to When Oscar-Winning Actor Died
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a mediocre screenplay, Gene Hackman's last act was recorded by his pacemaker, confirming he kicked the bucket on Feb. 17. His body—and that of wife Betsy—wasn't found until over a week later, amidst signs of some grim decomposition. Cops rummaged through their home, retrieving medications and green cell phones, trying to construct a timeline that's seemingly harder to piece together than Hackman’s filmography. Foul play? Nah, just two aging stars extinguished in their own tragic farce.
'Planet parade' photo captures 7 planets in a line over Earth — possibly for the 1st time ever
Acidly: In a celestial achievement worthy of a fourth-grade science project, the universe graciously allowed all seven neighboring planets to align for the first time since 1982. Astrophotographer Josh Dury, armed with a flashy camera and an overinflated ego, whipped up a composite image showcasing Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and friends, because who doesn’t want to capture "stunning" views of distant gas balls? Sure, a planetary parade is a big deal, but let's be real: Earth didn’t need to photobomb. Earth’s just gonna be food for the sun in a few billion years anyway. Cheers!
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Citi's Latest Blunder: an $81 Trillion 'Inputting Error'
Acidly: Citi's operational prowess hit new heights with an $81 trillion "inputting error," proving that even the financial giants can stumble over basic math. No money left the bank, but who needs accuracy when you can just wave a magic wand and hope for the best? After the $900 million 2020 fiasco with Revlon, you'd think they’d invest in better tech. Citigroup’s “Transformation” is just a fancy excuse for ongoing incompetence. Sure, Fraser claims progress—at this rate, they'll perfect their system right after pigs learn to fly.
Skype's final call set for May as Microsoft prioritizes Teams
Acidly: Say goodbye to Skype on May 5, folks! Microsoft is finally pulling the plug on its once-revolutionary platform after watching it plummet faster than your hopes of finding true love on a dating app. Sure, Skype disrupted the landline industry with its “innovative” video calls back in 2003, but it barely survived the rise of Zoom and Slack. With Teams now the shiny new toy, it’s clear Skype's glory days are just a sad memory. Thanks for the memories, Skype, but honestly, we won’t miss you.
In Texas Measles Outbreak, Signs of a Riskier Future for Children
Acidly: Welcome to Seminole, Texas, where Dr. Wendell Parkey struts into his clinic like he's auditioning for a "Howdy-do, folks!" commercial. Unfortunately, while he’s busting out cowboy poses, measles is on a sickening comeback tour, with 140 cases and even a fatality. The local Mennonite community has opted out of vaccines, believing they know better than science. Enter Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the world’s top vaccine skeptic, who practically waves a banner for ignorance. Ah, freedom! Just what every parent needs while their kid’s health hangs by a thread.