Highland Park parade shooting suspect Robert Crimo III changes plea to guilty on day trial was set to begin
Acidly: Oh, joy! Robert Crimo III has finally decided to plead guilty after a gripping, drawn-out saga that resembled a poorly scripted thriller. A mere seven murders and dozens of injuries, and voilà, he’s off to sentencing like it’s a ticketed event. Survivors might feel relief; one can't help but wonder if that high-five moment for justice is enough to heal their wounds. Meanwhile, his dad’s getting a pat on the back for his own reckless parenting. Gun reform? Sure, let’s pencil that in for the next millennium.
Gazans Worry as Israeli Border Block Sends Food Prices Climbing
Acidly: In yet another masterclass of humanitarian negligence, Israel's latest "let’s starve them into submission" strategy is sending Gaza's grocery prices soaring. Iman Saber, 24, is now residing in a glorified tent with her cancer-riddled father, lamenting skyrocketing costs for essentials while the world twiddles its thumbs. Sugar up from 6 to 10 shekels? Check. Tomatoes leaping from 8 to 20? Double check. Meanwhile, humanitarian organizations are shaking their heads at this reckless “collective punishment.” But hey, who needs morality when you have a cease-fire proposal?
She traveled to Italy to save her marriage. Here’s how she ended up falling for her Italian tour guide
Acidly: Monica Kennedy thought a trip to the Amalfi Coast would revive her crumbling marriage. Spoiler: it didn’t. Instead, she met Isidoro Langella, her future husband and tour guide. Their chemistry sparked over less-than-stellar spaghetti and a canceled student trip. Fast forward through a divorce, pandemic separations, and Monica's chronic illness. They wed on a whim—because why not? Now, they’re running a travel business in Italy, proving that sometimes, a failed marriage leads to a happy, albeit chaotic, ending.
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Aaron Rodgers' next destination and Myles Garrett's future headlined the buzz from the NFL combine
Acidly: Ah, the NFL offseason—where players become commodities, and teams engage in a game of musical chairs with their futures on the line. Stafford's cozying up to L.A., while Deebo blows into Washington like a trendy new restaurant. Rodgers is just now realizing New York isn’t the sunny paradise he envisioned. And while some lucky quarterbacks sit pretty on the trading block, the Browns’ Myles Garrett is left begging for a lifeline. Welcome to the circus folks; next week’s free agency promises more drama than a reality show.
‘Anora’ Oscar win carries Academy Awards into a new era
Acidly: Oh, the tragedy! Sean Baker weeps for Gen Z’s aversion to sex in films while they guzzle violence like it’s soda. Baker's “Anora” snagged five Oscars—yes, five—at a ceremony more focused on glitz than substance, yet here we are, celebrating an erotic dancer marrying a Russian oligarch. With $16 million in U.S. sales, it’s among the worst-performing best pictures ever. But hey, who needs box office when you can win over the indie crowd? Enjoy your arthouse fantasies, Hollywood!
Blue Ghost lunar landing highlights NASA’s partnership with the private sector
Acidly: Ah, the "Blue Ghost," a lunar lander that’s more determined than most of us on Monday mornings. While others crash and burn like your last Tinder date, this six-by-11-foot wonder managed to touch down, proving that even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Meanwhile, NASA’s Artemis program, a $90 billion nightmare festooned with inefficiency and delays, somehow thinks this is the “future.” Let’s be real—deep space exploration might be just a glorified jobs program at this point. Who needs Mars, anyway?
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Stocks Post Biggest Loss of the Year on Trump’s Tariff Plans
Acidly: Stocks took a nosedive after President Trump decided to play Santa with tariffs, just not the kind that help anyone. The S&P 500 plummeted 1.8%—the biggest drop this year; the Nasdaq almost plunged into full-blown “correction” territory. Tariffs on imports from Canada and Mexico? Just what the economy ordered! Oh, and let’s not forget that delightful added 10% tariff on China. Investors are thrilled, obviously. Welcome to 2023, where your portfolio’s a rollercoaster and Trump’s the ride operator. Enjoy the chaos!
Tim Cook teases M4 MacBook Air reveal for this week
Acidly: Hold onto your overpriced seats, folks! Tim Cook just dropped a teaser for the new M4 MacBook Air on social media, because who doesn’t love a little suspense in the world of tech? The video is an exhilarating mix of boring music and the profound statement, “there’s something in the air.” Wow, groundbreaking. Expect the usual parade of 13 and 15-inch models. Who knew a yearly refresh could be so vital when they just released the M4 chip a few months ago? Raise your hands if you care!
As measles outbreak grows, HHS secretary says vaccination is a personal decision that can protect individuals and communities
Acidly: In Texas, nearly 150 measles cases are a sobering reminder that ignoring vaccines has consequences. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took a break from his usual antivaccine rhetoric to mumble about “community immunity” and "personal choice" while subtly dodging any real endorsement of the MMR shot. Meanwhile, a school-age child dies, and parents are left debating if they should believe a guy who thinks vaccines are the root of all evil. Great job, Texas. Enjoy the nostalgia of over 400 measles deaths a year before the vaccine came along!