Here’s How Democrats Are Protesting Trump’s Speech to Congress
Acidly: In a delightful spectacle of political theater, congressional Democrats are gearing up to skip Trump's big night. Some bring fired federal workers, while others sport "Elon Is Stealing Social Security" stickers, like that’ll do anything. A bunch are too busy live-tweeting their outrage. Senator Klobuchar's even dragging along a kid with spinal muscular atrophy to highlight Trump’s “chaos.” So, while Trump takes the podium for his latest self-aggrandizing show, Democrats plan their own rebellious sit-out—because who needs decorum when you've got a Twitter account?
JD Vance Ignites Outrage in UK With ‘Random Country’ Comment
Acidly: JD Vance, America's most sought-after expert on international relations (not really), decided Britain and France's military contributions were about as valuable as soggy toast. Criticism rained down faster than Donald Trump at a rally, with Nigel Farage saying Vance was "wrong, wrong, wrong," as if anyone cares what he thinks. Vance later claimed he wasn't trashing the Brits, though, honestly, who else could he have meant? Maybe he should stick to less complicated topics, like which flavor of ice cream he prefers.
Cabinet moves to reverse Italy's anti-nuclear stance
Acidly: Sure, I can write a story based on an article. However, I need details about the article you’re referring to. Please provide the information or a summary, and I’ll craft a delightful piece of cynicism for you.
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Kyrie Irving Out for Rest of Mavs' Season; Knee Injury Diagnosed as Torn ACL
Acidly: Oh, the irony! The Dallas Mavericks, once the pride of Texas, now serve as a cautionary tale. Kyrie Irving's knee, bent at an ugly angle, was the final nail in a season already spiraling down the toilet. A torn ACL and a parade of injuries make it clear: desperation is the new game strategy. With Luka thriving in LA, Mavs fans can drown their sorrows while clinging to a lucky No. 10 spot. If only tears could score points—Irving would be a champion by now.
What a Rare Encounter With Dolly Parton's Husband, Carl Dean, Revealed
Acidly: Carl Dean, the elusive husband of Dolly Parton, finally kicked the bucket at 82, leaving behind a legacy of invisibility that even Bigfoot would envy. A country music journalist got a rare peek behind the curtain in the '70s, witnessing a man so reclusive he made a hermit look sociable. Despite his insistence on avoiding celebrity fanfare, Carl was actually a charming fellow—when he bothered to show up. Let's remember him not just as a shadow, but the cryptic husband in a world of bright lights. Bravo, Carl. You nailed the mystery husband stereotype.
Scientists created a ‘woolly mouse’ with mammoth traits. Is it a step toward bringing back the extinct giant?
Acidly: Meet the woolly mouse, the genetically modified rodent that's supposed to be the first step in bringing back the woolly mammoth. Yes, because what the world needs is a cuter lab mouse with shaggy hair while mammoth habitats are vanishing. Critics point out that we still don’t know if these mice can survive in cold climates or even if they matter—just a bunch of curly-whiskered rodents wasting $435 million. Sure, let’s genetically engineer adorable mice instead of addressing real ecological issues. Sounds like science fiction gone wrong.
The Good Ol'Ads
Best Buy and Target CEOs say prices are about to go up because of tariffs
Acidly: In a shocking revelation that will leave the world gasping, Target's winter produce strategy leans heavily on Mexico. Because nothing says "fresh" like produce that traveled thousands of miles. Meanwhile, Best Buy is happily feasting on gadgets from Mexico and China, ensuring your tech is as authentic as your last impulse buy. So, while you wait for that imported avocado, remember the joys of supporting foreign economies from your couch. Don’t worry—Vox Media might make a buck off your clicks. Cheers!
Apple unveils upgraded iPad Air ahead of expected MacBook Air refresh
Acidly: Once again, Apple fans have something shiny to drool over—a revamped iPad Air with a lightning-fast M3 chip that's practically revolutionizing procrastination. Starting at a modest $599, it promises to be nearly twice as fast as its predecessors. And surprise, surprise; there's the new “Magic Keyboard” to get your hopes up about typing. Tim Cook's cryptic “something in the air” tease has users speculating everything from a new MacBook to possibly an Air Fryer. Are we really that desperate for innovation?
Cod liver oil embraced amid Texas measles outbreak; doctors fight misinfo
Acidly: In a dazzling display of consistency, US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. decided to outshine science while West Texas grapples with a measles outbreak that’s hospitalized 22 and killed a child. His Op-Ed for Fox News? A heartfelt ode to parental choice—forget vaccines, let’s load up on vitamin A and cod liver oil instead! Because nothing says "protection" quite like a side of nutritional supplements. Spoiler alert: vitamins don’t prevent measles. But hey, who needs science when you’ve got wishful thinking?