Takeaways From a Contentious Hearing on Big-City Immigration Policies
Acidly: In a thrilling display of finger-pointing, Chicago Mayor Johnson hopped on the blame train, declaring that sanctuary cities unleash a criminal apocalypse. Who knew that simply being compassionate could lead to such mayhem? Meanwhile, New York Mayor insists crime’s on a serious diet, with major declines despite apocalyptic predictions. The real safety threats? Apparently, cutting services for veterans and spinning wild tales about immigrants. Because clearly, fear-mongering is the new path to urban utopia. Welcome to the circus!
As Israel and U.S. Align on Gaza, the Arab’s Plan Leaves Issues Unanswered
Acidly: President Trump, in a fit of vacation fantasy, suggested turning Gaza into a tourist “Riviera” for its 2 million residents. Naturally, Arab leaders rushed to the rescue with a grand plan: rebuild Gaza while politely ignoring the pesky Hamas issue. Their $53 billion reconstruction strategy reads like a project from a dull engineering class—technical but utterly devoid of political soul. Meanwhile, Israel and the U.S. ignore the whole affair, leaving Palestinians hoping for statehood while the ground beneath them is anything but stable. How quaint!
Exclusive-Starlink has asked Italy for access to more spectrum, sources say
Acidly: Elon Musk's Starlink, the space internet wannabe, is foaming at the mouth for more E-band spectrum in Italy, while Italian officials play hard to get. Apparently, the "EU needs to agree” before they can move forward. Who knew spectrum access was a team sport? Meanwhile, Starlink's juggling a clientele of 55,000 in Italy, but plans to trim down in the not-so-exciting south to focus on cash-rich northern customers. Diplomats, are you ready for your high-speed satellite connections? Just don't hold your breath!
The Good Ol'Ads
One key 2025 free agent each NFL team can least afford to lose: Ravens' Ronnie Stanley could be top priority
Acidly: Ah, the 2025 NFL offseason, where teams frantically slap franchise tags on players like they're the last slices of pizza at a sad office party. With the negotiating window looming, clubs scramble to retain their “stars” while trying not to vomit on their contracts. Certain players—like Evan Brown and Tee Higgins—are touted as irreplaceable, though we all know it’s just a marriage of convenience. After all, who doesn't love a good business relationship in the gladiatorial world of football? Cheers to another year of overhyped negotiations!
‘Daredevil: Born Again’ Review: Can You Fight City Hall?
Acidly: In "Daredevil: Born Again," Wilson Fisk, aka the Kingpin, runs for mayor, embodying every gangster with an ego like a hot air balloon. Forget comic escapism; this is a disturbing reflection of reality—welcome to the circus! A half-baked script resurrects old plots with new faces, but who cares? It's a convoluted mess where the righteous are dull, and the ultra-violent Punisher is the only one with a pulse. The series tries to scream relevance but just ends up grumbling at the state of the city. Bravo, Marvel!
NASA Orbiter Captures Stunning View of Blue Ghost Lander on the Moon
Acidly: NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter managed to snag a photo of Firefly Aerospace's Blue Ghost lander on the Moon, though good luck finding it—it's literally a single pixel in an image taken from 109 miles away. This speck landed in the "Sea of Crises," which feels fitting for a company trying to convince us that "Ghost Riders in the Sky" is a legitimate mission. As if the Moon needed more tech toys. Meanwhile, Earthlings eagerly watch as a tiny dot samples ancient dust, praying it doesn't end up like all their other cosmic misadventures.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump Live Updates: Supreme Court Rejects Foreign Aid Freeze and Latest Tariff News
Acidly: The Commerce Department is slashing through Biden’s ridiculous broadband barriers, because who needs effective regulations? Naturally, this all benefits Musk, the man who beams internet via satellites. Critics claim fiber-optics are faster, but what do they know compared to a billionaire? Meanwhile, Republicans are shocked that funds aren’t flowing to their regions, having created a regulatory nightmare to begin with. Let’s all pray that this “efficiency initiative” doesn’t set the nation back into the stone age of dial-up. Bless their poor souls.
Apple introduces the new MacBook Air with the M4 chip and a sky blue color
Acidly: Sure! Just provide me with the article or the details you want me to include, and I'll whip up a nice, blunt story for you.
Kennedy’s push for vitamins in response to measles outbreak worries physicians
Acidly: In Texas, where common sense took a vacation, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is championing vitamins and steroids as the magic cure for an ongoing measles outbreak. With 159 cases and a child dead, he’s decided that cod liver oil and budesonide are the way to go. Experts say, "Hold my beer!" Vaccines are actually effective, you know, the whole science thing. But why listen to doctors when you can gamble on fish oil? Bravo, Texas. Keep it up, and we’ll be trading our modern healthcare for snake oil soon.