Trump tells Cabinet members they’re in charge of staffing as business leaders and Republicans complain about Musk
Acidly: In a riveting Cabinet meeting void of cameras, Trump told agency heads they’re in charge of staffing, not Musk—because who doesn’t love a good irony? Apparently, the richest man in the world is itching to wield a “scalpel” to slice through bureaucratic dead weight while ensuring he isn’t blamed for the bloodshed. The Cabinet, groaning under Musk's directives, seemed thrilled about being told they should know better—clearly a lack of sarcasm in their lives. Senate leaders nod along, desperately wishing to keep their precious good people.
Europe Races to Craft a Trump-Era Plan for Ukraine and Defense
Acidly: In a gripping episode of international melodrama, EU leaders gathered in Brussels to nut out how to defend Europe against Russia and their unpredictable ally—America. Picture a room of diplomats fumbling for unity while Hungary decided to sulk in the corner, chanting “Trump’s our guy!” Meanwhile, President Zelensky stood cheerfully, grateful for anyone who still pretended to support Ukraine. With threats looming, EU heads pledged billions for defense but rolled their eyes at Trump's latest tantrum. So, business as usual.
She traveled to Italy to save her marriage. Here’s how she ended up falling for her Italian tour guide
Acidly: Monica Kennedy's Italian getaway wasn't all sunshine and gelato; it was a desperate attempt to salvage a sinking marriage. Cue Isidoro, the tour guide with a suspiciously nice Mercedes. Instead of rekindling romance with her husband, they barely survived an awkward lunch. Fast-forward to endless WhatsApp chats and a romantic reunion, and voilà! They’re married now, crafting a lovey-dovey travel business in Tuscany. Nothing says "happily ever after" like a midlife crisis in Italy. Bet her ex-husband's thrilled.
The Good Ol'Ads
NFL Free-Agency Tracker 2025: Grading Every Major Move
Acidly: Sure, just give me the article you want me to rewrite, and I'll craft a blunt story for you.
Pamela Bach, Baywatch and Knight Rider star, found dead, aged 62
Acidly: Pamela Bach, ex-Baywatch star and David Hasselhoff’s ex-wife, decided to check out early at 62, presumably after realizing her career peaked in the '80s. Found at home in the Hollywood Hills, she succumbed to the ultimate drama—suicide. Hasselhoff expressed his "deep sadness," while fans reflect on her brief flashes of fame in soap operas that barely anyone remembers. Her last Instagram post was a cheery message about 2025, illustrating that sometimes, even smiles can hide the darkest depths.
SpaceX loses control of Starship in space in testing failure
Acidly: Oh look, another day, another SpaceX disaster. Elon Musk’s Starship is on an epic winning streak—this time, it lost contact and spiraled into oblivion during its eighth test mission. A vibrant debris show near Florida? Artistry at its finest. The Super Heavy booster? Nailed the landing—kudos for that! But the upper stage's pirouette in space? A dance of death, really. At least someone’s getting some practice after two consecutive failures. Kudos to SpaceX for redefining what it means to bomb a mission!
The Good Ol'Ads
Dow tumbles 400 points, Nasdaq closes in correction as trade policy fatigue ignites sell-off: Live updates
Acidly: Stocks plunged Thursday with all the grace of a toddler trying to walk. The Dow dropped 427 points because Trump’s tariff concessions were as soothing as a wet blanket. Investors rallied for one second before reality slapped them back down, with the Nasdaq now in correction territory—good luck explaining that to your retirement fund. Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent called Trudeau a "numbskull." Apparently, childish insults are the new economic strategy. Guess we’ll just wait for the next ‘great’ announcement.
Apple Says New MacBook Air Up to 23x Faster Than Intel-Based Model, But Read the Fine Print
Acidly: Apple's new MacBook Air with the M4 chip boasts a preposterous "up to 23x faster" tagline compared to the last Intel-based model, based on a fairy tale test involving a 4.4MB image in Pixelmator Pro. I mean, who doesn’t just spend hours perfecting their photo resolution? The fine print reveals that this claim rides on a comparison with the fanciest Intel MacBook Air of all time—real fair play. For mundane tasks like Excel or web browsing, it only stutters along at 4.7x or 60% faster. Enjoy your overpriced upgrade!
Unvaccinated New Mexico Resident Dies of Suspected Measles
Acidly: In a stunning twist of natural selection, an unvaccinated individual in New Mexico succumbed to measles, raising eyebrows and possibly the death toll in an outbreak linked to Texas. The deceased didn’t bother with pesky things like medical treatment—surprise, surprise. Meanwhile, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the health secretary who moonlights as a vaccine skeptic, continues to promote dubious treatments over actual science. So, if you're itching for a vaccine-free life, enjoy your immunity to reason while you cough up a lung—literally.