‘Prepare for disruption’: Alabama leader warns of Department of Education closure
Acidly: Alabama schools brace for impending doom as Trump’s latest stunt threatens to close the Department of Education. With $2.6 billion in federal funding on the line, officials are suggesting that “everything will be fine” while secretly panicking. State leaders are desperate to uphold special ed and resources for low-income students—because who doesn't want to kick the needy while they’re down? Meanwhile, Congress keeps a firm “no” on actually closing the department. Classic chaos, just another Tuesday in Alabama.
Keir Starmer welcomes EU moves to boost defence spending
Acidly: Sir Keir Starmer is over the moon about the EU’s new military spending plan—because what’s more thrilling than a €150bn loan scheme to boost Europe's defense? Apparently, the strategy is to form a "coalition of the willing" to scare Russia while relying on the U.S. for backup, which seems about as sturdy as a paper mache tank. Meanwhile, Trump tweets his usual nonsense, and UK ministers glorify a £30m deal to sell Ukraine more high-tech toys. Hold onto your helmets, folks; this is going to be a "historic" comedy!
Exclusive-Europe's Eutelsat vies for secure Italian telecoms contract, sources say
Acidly: Eutelsat is trying to woo the Italian government to secure a telecoms contract, brushing elbows with the big kid on the block, Starlink. Italy's looking for encrypted communications, likely because sharing memes with diplomats isn’t cutting it anymore. Eutelsat, with its measly 650 satellites compared to Musk’s 6,700, thinks it can play ball; meanwhile, critics wonder if handing over national security to an American billionaire is a genius move or just a bad reality show plot. Stay tuned for the next episode of "Who Will Connect You?"
The Good Ol'Ads
Lakers survive Knicks in OT for eighth straight win; Jalen Brunson suffers ankle injury - The Athletic
Acidly: In a riveting game that could only be described as a rollercoaster for Knicks fans, the Lakers rallied from a 13-point deficit to win 113-109 in overtime. LeBron James and Luka Dončić shouldered the team like it was an awkward family reunion, while the Knicks' Jalen Brunson valiantly scored 39 points before spraining his ankle and limping off like a wounded deer. The Knicks have officially become the basketball version of a broken pencil—pointless. Only time will tell if their offense can revive before the playoffs, but good luck with that!
Here’s how much it cost ‘Anora’ to win the Oscars
Acidly: Ah, the $18 million Oscar campaign for "Anora" – a film about a stripper marrying a Russian oligarch’s son in Vegas. Because, obviously, that’s Oscar-worthy content. They spent three times its production budget to convince us it's a masterpiece while it grossed a mere $41.6 million worldwide. But who cares when it’s toppled into the abyss of “most awarded films with little box office charm”? Sending DVDs to voters? That’s cute. Meanwhile, the director dreams of theaters as if they’re the Holy Grail of cinema. Good luck with that!
Intuitive Machines' Athena space craft declared dead after landing sideways in a crater on the moon
Acidly: Ah, Athena, the moon’s latest flop, proving that even robots can’t quite handle a simple landing. Crashing 800 feet away from its target, it promptly tipped over—classy move for a $50 million spacecraft. CEO Steve Altemus has “off-nominal” reasons to celebrate this epic fail, but hey, at least NASA might still get data from the wreckage! Meanwhile, in a parallel universe of failures, SpaceX's Starship was busy exploding. Lunar ambitions? More like a comedy show. Better luck next time, folks!
The Good Ol'Ads
Bitcoin reserve: Why has Trump set up a US crypto stockpile?
Acidly: In a dazzling display of fiscal bravery, Trump has launched the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve—mostly filled with seized coins, which is basically declaring, "We'll be hoarding your criminals’ loot!" David Sacks likens it to Fort Knox, but let’s be real: it’s more like a yard sale of regret. Critics are snoozing through their poetics on “boldness” while others scream about transparency. Meanwhile, there’s a risk of wild altcoin pick-n-mix that could send markets spiraling. But hey, at least no one’s losing taxpayers’ money… yet.
GTA VI's rumored $100 price tag sparks debate among gamers and analysts
Acidly: In a move that screams “We love your money,” analysts suggest Grand Theft Auto VI might launch at a jaw-dropping $100. Yes, for just a hundred bucks, you can dive into the latest mayhem while Take-Two prepares to hold your wallet hostage with in-game currency. Apparently, gamers are just itching to pay more for their beloved chaos. As if we needed another way for big companies to suck us dry. Here's hoping their overpriced scheme doesn't backfire like nearly all of analyst Michael Pachter's wild predictions.
Measles Outbreak: Cases In Texas Near 200 After Deceased Man In New Mexico Tested Positive
Acidly: Ah, Texas, where nearly 200 people decide to bond over measles. While one unlucky soul in New Mexico dies with the virus, Texas revels in its largest outbreak in 30 years. Seems like the measles, once banished in 2000, thought it could make a comeback. Good job, unvaccinated children! Eighty-nine teens and a sprinkle of adults are rediscovering the joys of fever and rashes. Meanwhile, RFK Jr. flip-flops on vaccine skepticism—how refreshing! Keep your vitamin A close, folks, 'cause who needs science?