Mark Carney to Be the Next Prime Minister of Canada
Acidly: Canada has chosen Mark Carney, an unelected technocrat, as its new prime minister, replacing Justin Trudeau. With a rousing 85.9% of the vote, Carney attempts to tackle Trump’s incessant verbal jabs about annexation while wielding a background that screams “financial wizard.” His first act? Tackling tariffs and trying not to trip over his ties to Trudeau. Meanwhile, the Conservative Party, led by Pierre Poilievre, sneers from the sidelines. Let the Canadian political circus begin—who knew democracy could be this hilarious?
Syria’s Interim President Calls for Unity Amid Fresh Fighting
Acidly: Syria's interim president, Ahmed al-Shara, made a heartfelt appeal for unity amid escalating clashes that have claimed over 1,000 lives. Standing in a mosque, he confidently urged citizens to "preserve national unity," clearly forgetting that chaos reigned just outside. As fresh violence erupted in coastal provinces, al-Shara's assurances must have felt like a warm hug from a bouncer at a bar fight. Of course, a couple of committees were formed to investigate and ensure “civil peace”—that’s bound to fix everything, right?
U.S., Israel reject Gaza reconstruction plan backed by Arab nations
Acidly: In a gripping saga of national pride and misplaced dreams, Arab nations rallied behind Egypt’s grand plan to "fix" Gaza without relocating its 2 million residents. Sure, who needs to displace people when luxury real estate is at stake? Trump & Israel quickly nixed the idea, favoring a strategy that prioritizes rubble over humanity. Amid whispers of ethnic cleansing, Palestinians adamantly reject evacuation. Ah, nothing screams "peace" like a $53 billion reconstruction fund while the world plays its favorite game: denial.
The Good Ol'Ads
Sources: Steelers trading for star WR Metcalf
Acidly: In a desperate attempt to revive their offense, the Steelers dove into free agency, snagging DK Metcalf from the Seahawks for a second-round pick. You know, the guy who just asked for a trade because he couldn't catch a break… literally. He gets a lavish five-year, $150 million deal—because why not reward a guy for missing games and dramatically underachieving? Meanwhile, Pittsburgh’s quarterback situation remains as stable as a house of cards in a windstorm. Good luck, Steelers fans!
‘Mickey 17’ Reaches $53M+ Global In Expanded Launch; ‘Ne Zha 2’ Tops $2B In China, Now No. 6 Movie Ever WW – International Box Office
Acidly: Well, isn't it heartwarming? Bong Joon-ho's *Mickey 17* is raking in cash, with a mere $53.3M worldwide and a glorious $24.5M from fresh international digs. This is apparently a big deal for a flick with a sizable budget, because who doesn’t love throwing money at space dramas? Meanwhile, *Ne Zha 2* is busy making history, surpassing $2B in China while we sit and wait like good little peasants. Just a regular weekend in Hollywood, where one flop can pave the way for another shiny, underwhelming sequel parade. Bravo!
Lying sideways on the moon, the Athena lander is declared dead
Acidly: Oh, what a triumph for humanity: the Athena lander, after a majestic journey to the moon, decided its grand finale would be a power nap just one day post-landing—on its side, no less. With the effectiveness of a toddler napping during a fireworks show, it barely transmitted any useful data before succumbing to the unyielding lunar cold. Apparently, this hot mess is the “southernmost lunar landing” ever. Bravo, Intuitive Machines! Your next mission: dodge gravity and try not to flop so spectacularly.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump Declines to Rule Out Recession as Tariffs Begin to Bite
Acidly: In a recent interview, Trump tiptoed around the recession question like a toddler in a minefield. "Big things take time," he mused, possibly forgetting that time isn't an economic strategy. His tariffs have already sent industries into a tailspin, making Canada and China look like annoyed parents rolling their eyes at a rebellious child. Meanwhile, his admin's optimism about a vibrant economy amid rising prices is as plausible as claiming ice cream for breakfast is a balanced diet. Buckle up, America.
Death Stranding 2 details leak ahead of Kojima panel later today
Acidly: Oh great, here we go again. “Death Stranding 2” promises to be the next overpriced trip into insanity at a shocking £70 or $70. Want the collector's edition? Prepare to fork over a jaw-dropping $230 for… who knows what. Still, leaker billbil-kun assures us pre-orders are “imminent,” because who wouldn’t want to spend their hard-earned cash on cryptic walking simulators? Expect the unexpected? More like expect to regret your life choices. Hideo Kojima, you genius, you.
Virginia health officials confirm measles case at major international airport
Acidly: Ah, the measles—nature’s way of reminding us that vaccines exist for a reason. A case popped up at Dulles Airport, sending Virginia officials on a frantic scavenger hunt for anyone who breathed the same air as the infected soul. Meanwhile, on the Sunshine State's rollercoaster of dread, a student in Miami-Dade caught it, and Texas is hosting a measles party with nearly 200 cases. Thanks, unvaccinated kids! So, yeah, go ahead and skip that MMR vaccine—what’s a little death among friends?