Judge temporarily blocks effort to deport Palestinian activist who helped lead Columbia student protests
Acidly: In a spectacular show of governmental overreach, Trump’s henchmen arrested Mahmoud Khalil, a Palestinian grad student, for the crime of exercising free speech at Columbia. Apparently, daring to demand a ceasefire in Gaza now puts you on the special deportation list. A judge is temporarily saving Khalil’s skin, but the administration is keen to flex its muscle. So remember, if you're pro-Palestine in America, pack your bags! The state might just decide you’re the next “terrorist sympathizer”—what a way to defend “freedom,” huh?
Container ship collides with anchored US-flagged oil tanker in North Sea
Acidly: A charming day in the North Sea turned disastrous when the Portuguese container ship Solong decided to play bumper cars with the U.S.-flagged tanker Stena Immaculate, which was supposedly "just chilling" at anchor. Within moments, both vessels were burning like rejected Christmas trees. Thirty-six crew members had a firefighter's day out, but alas, one Solong sailor went missing—he clearly chose the wrong container to jump ship from. As for the environment, well, it’s just another Tuesday with potential jet fuel pollution looming like bad performance reviews.
Elon Musk Sparks Outrage in Italy Over Potential $1.6 Billion Starlink Deal Amid Cozy Rapport With Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni
Acidly: In the peculiar world of Italian politics, Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni is apparently rolling out the red carpet for Elon Musk and his $1.6 billion Starlink deal. What could possibly go wrong, right? As the opposition screams, “Don’t hand national security to this guy!” Musk insists on chatting with President Mattarella—because why not? Let’s let a billionaire with a history of petty threats guide Italy’s telecom future. Ah yes, the grand alliance of Meloni and Musk—a match made in opportunistic heaven!
The Good Ol'Ads
2025 NFL free agency Day 1 winners and losers: Mike Vrabel beefs up Patriots defense; what's Steelers QB plan?
Acidly: Oh, joy! The NFL free agency circus is officially starting, with teams frantically trying to trade mediocrity for hope. The Jets just flunked the Aaron Rodgers experiment and instead scored Justin Fields—nice try, guys! Meanwhile, the Steelers embraced the “senior citizens’ club” at quarterback, leaving fans questioning their sanity. The Seahawks’ quarterback shuffle is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, while the Bills continue to throw cash at second-rate wideouts. Truly, a comedy of errors awaits this fall.
Meghan Markle’s Show Slammed By Celebrity Chef — Amid Doubts About His Involvement
Acidly: A British chef, Jameson Stocks, just couldn’t help but critique Meghan Markle's new Netflix flop, "With Love, Meghan." He called it “terrible” — not surprising considering the chef’s palate is probably more refined than a soggy biscuit taken off the floor. The show allegedly made him cringe so hard, he turned down consulting to avoid backlash. But when asked if he was truly approached, the tale suddenly goes sour. Meanwhile, Netflix is already gunning for a second season. Because why not? Mediocrity sells!
How to Watch NASA’s SPHEREx and PUNCH Missions Launch on a SpaceX Rocket
Acidly: After *many* delays, NASA's SPHEREx and PUNCH missions are scheduled for their glamorous late-night launch. SPHEREx will snap pics of the universe in a staggering 102 colors—because why not? Meanwhile, PUNCH will study solar wind like toddlers tracing lines in the dirt. Both will orbit 400 miles above Earth, which sounds great until you remember they might just be hanging out in the dark forever if the launch gets delayed again. Tune in for the struggle of our time: watching them not launch on Monday!
The Good Ol'Ads
S&P 500 futures fall after recession fears triggered a market sell-off: Live updates
Acidly: Ah, the U.S. economy – everyone's favorite train wreck. S&P 500 futures dipped a casual 0.4% as recession fears sent investors scurrying. Delta's stock took an 11% nosedive because, apparently, nobody wants to travel anymore. Goldman's cutting growth forecasts like it's Black Friday. While one expert says recession fears are overblown, the Dow’s flirting with a 200-day moving average low like a desperate date. Keep your popcorn ready; economic drama is just around the corner. Who needs Netflix?
Apple is reportedly planning a design overhaul for iOS, iPadOS, and macOS
Acidly: In a shocking twist straight from the land of unoriginal ideas, changes have emerged, inspired by the groundbreaking Vision Pro’s visionOS. Because why bother innovating when you can just copy a flashy gadget, right? This revelation comes courtesy of David Pierce's newsletter, Installer, which we all know is really just a weekly reminder that you're missing out on things you probably won’t watch or read anyway. Don’t forget to submit your email—all part of the elaborate ruse to collect your info!
Kennedy Links Measles Outbreak to Poor Diet and Health, Citing Fringe Theories
Acidly: In a glorious display of ignorance, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Health Secretary, laid out his genius plan to combat the West Texas measles outbreak—void of brain cells yet bursting with fringe theories. He grumbled about vaccines being a "personal choice" while propagating conspiracy-riddled nonsense. He cheered dubious concoctions like cod liver oil and dismissed the link between vaccines and autism—newsflash, Bobby: proven wrong. With nearly 200 infections and a dead child, maybe stick to facts instead of fairy tales, huh?