Trump administration asks Supreme Court to partly allow birthright citizenship restrictions
Acidly: In a move that screams "conservative dystopia," the Trump administration is striking again! They've knocked on the Supreme Court's door, begging for birthright citizenship restrictions to take effect—because why not strip citizenship from kids born of “illegal” parents? They’re convinced judges shouldn't challenge their whims. Meanwhile, struggling states and civil groups are scrambling, calling out this blatant constitutional violation. But hey, as long as Trump gets to flex his authoritarian muscles, who cares about pesky amendments?
American who snatched baby wombat from its mother being reviewed for Australian visa breach
Acidly: In a grand display of utter ignorance, American "outdoor enthusiast" Sam Jones filmed herself snatching a baby wombat from its mother, as if wildlife is a prop for your TikTok stardom. After facing a wave of justified outrage, she hid her online presence like the coward she is. Aussie officials are reviewing her visa—let's hope they send her packing before she tries to wrestle a crocodile next. Because, honestly, if she thinks this is 'influencing,' the world needs her gone. Good riddance!
Musk Email Reaches Italian Workers. It Did Not Go Well.
Acidly: In a delightful culture clash, Italian workers at Aviano Air Base received a cheery email from Musk demanding five achievements from last week, or else! Because nothing screams "respect for labor" like a billionaire with a chainsaw. Amidst a land famed for its "permanent" jobs and leisurely coffee breaks, workers humorously replied with slices of pizza and coffee runs. While Musk's tech-libertarian dreams battle Italy's entrenched bureaucracy, union heads aren’t laughing. All hail the absurdity of American managerial dominion over espresso-loving Italians!
The Good Ol'Ads
Cooper Flagg injury update: Duke star ruled out after hurting ankle in ACC Tournament
Acidly: Oh joy, just what we needed: Duke's golden boy, Cooper Flagg, sprained his ankle like a clumsy toddler at recess. While he was busy trying to be a basketball savior, he fell apart like so many Duke dreams. Sure, x-rays are negative, and he hobbled back to the bench, but let’s be honest—his return for the next game is about as likely as Duke winning with class. Meanwhile, Duke still scraped a win, but don’t worry, Flagg—we'll remember you for your dazzling ankle gymnastics and not just your talent. Bravo!
Steven Soderbergh on 'Black Bag,' 'Contagion' Sequel and Donald Trump
Acidly: Steven Soderbergh and David Koepp have taken the concept of marital discord to espionage level with "Black Bag." Imagine George and Martha with guns instead of cocktails. Michael Fassbender and Cate Blanchett play a couple in a spy agency where trust is as rare as competent management. Their dinner parties? Thrillingly deadly, but please—who wants to watch a dinner scene? Soderbergh claims to fear audiences more than heartless spies. So grab your popcorn on release day—if you can drag yourself off the couch.
SpaceX says hydraulic issue that postponed Starliner mission fixed, clear for launch
Acidly: Oh, joy! SpaceX fixed a hydraulic issue that almost made their rocket tip over—because who doesn’t love a little pre-launch drama? The Starliner mission finally gets a new life after a highly dramatic postponement. NASA’s Ken Bowersox wisely chose caution over a fiery disaster. Barry and Suni have been stuck in space since June 2024; apparently, they’re running a research hotel in orbit instead of a vacation. Let’s see if they can actually come back to Earth this time. Don't hold your breath!
The Good Ol'Ads
Stocks Tumble Into Correction as Investors Sour on Trump
Acidly: Well, the stock market just decided to take an unplanned vacation from optimism, dropping over 10% in a spectacular reminder that bull markets can end faster than Donald Trump can tweet. Investors are panicking over his unpredictable tariff tantrums and layoffs like it’s the end of the world. Tech stocks are plunging, retailers are predicting doom, and even Dollar General is feeling the pain. While Trump threatens European wines with outrageous tariffs, the economy just rolls its eyes and braces for impact. Cheers!
Your Android phone just got a major audio upgrade for free - Google and Samsung models included
Acidly: Great news for the hearing-impaired! Google’s now blessed the world with Bluetooth Auracast, which lets your smartphone broadcast audio to more people than a karaoke night gone wrong. Android users lucky enough to own certain phones can connect to hearing aids and earbuds like they’re a hip new bar. Imagine tuning into your local sports bar's mute TV, but also imagine the agony of waiting for venues to catch up. Don’t worry; your high-tech hearing aids will make the dull world a bit louder! Bravo!
Measles highest in 25 years in European region, WHO says
Acidly: Well, congratulations, Europe! You've managed to bring measles roaring back, reaching a staggering 25-year high thanks to those brilliant vaccine skeptics. Apparently, 127,350 cases isn’t alarming enough; let’s add a sprinkle of 38 deaths for flavor. Who knew not vaccinating under-fives could turn into such a thrilling trend? Meanwhile, Romania leads the pack with its festive 30,692 cases. As for the WHO’s advice? Nah, who needs prevention when you can have a contagion crisis instead? Enjoy the coughs, sneezes, and general doom!