Judge Blocks Policy That Would Expel Transgender Troops
Acidly: In a miracle more shocking than the existence of a functioning Trump policy, a federal judge blocked the administration's heartfelt attempt to ban transgender troops from the military. Judge Ana C. Reyes cited a stunning lack of evidence and a whole lot of petty animus from the White House. Apparently, calling trans people a nuisance and disrupting careers is "totally normal." Meanwhile, the military is losing valuable assets over a ban that barely stands on its own flimsy logic. Welcome to the new era of "Make America Exclude Again."
Gaza ceasefire deal: Why the Hamas-Israel truce has not held
Acidly: Amid the rubble and tragic irony, Israeli jets resumed their bombings in Gaza, obliterating a fragile truce that lasted about as long as a toddler’s attention span. Netanyahu, blaming Hamas like a petulant child, claims military action is essential to rescue hostages. Meanwhile, conspiracy theories suggest he’s just trying to distract from his legal woes. The turbulent negotiation dance between both sides? It’s all smoke and mirrors, with lives dangling on a string. Welcome to the circus, folks.
Rule of law deteriorates across the EU, report finds
Acidly: Congratulations, EU! You’ve successfully degraded your rule of law into a chaotic circus act. The latest 1,000-page snooze-fest from the Civil Liberties Union showcases a spectacular decline in justice, media freedom, and, of course, human rights. Countries like Hungary continue to steal the spotlight with their melodramatic dismantling. The EU’s weak enforcement is the real plot twist, allowing corruption and far-right antics to thrive. So, keep applauding your “stagnators” and “dismantlers.” Bravo!
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2025 NCAA Tournament: Which First Four team has the best chance to make a deep March Madness run?
Acidly: Ah, Selection Sunday—where the NCAA pretends to take basketball seriously, despite the Tar Heels sneaking in with a laughable 1-12 Quad 1 record. Congrats, North Carolina! You’ve become the poster child for "well, who else is there?" West Virginia and Indiana deserve better, but hey, they don't have an 8-0 Quad 2 record to save their bacon. And let’s be honest, the First Four is the ultimate dumpster fire—where losing teams can get a chance at glory. Enjoy the chaos, folks!
Steven Spielberg’s daughter details Tracy Morgan experience at Knicks game: ‘Will never forget’
Acidly: Destry Spielberg must’ve thought her first Knicks game would be a star-studded affair—turns out, it included a front-row seat to comedian Tracy Morgan's gastronomic failure. As Morgan decorated the court with his dinner, Destry's face was the perfect portrait of disgust. “Thanks for the unforgettable experience!” she ironically wrote on Instagram, as if dodging vomit was the highlight of her courtside debut. Food poisoning jokes aside, let’s hope her next star encounter doesn’t involve bodily fluids.
Welcome Home! NASA’s SpaceX Crew-9 Back on Earth After Science Mission
Acidly: Look who's back from their glamorous intergalactic joyride! NASA's Crew-9 made a spectacular splash in the Gulf of America, just in time for press coverage. Astronauts Hague, Williams, Wilmore, and rookie Gorbunov crawled back to Earth after what seems like an eternity of "vital science" and maintenance at the International Space Station. Meanwhile, NASA's acting bigwig bravely touted Trump's visionary support, as if that’s what really propelled them into space. Next stop: family reunions and fame, because who doesn’t love a good homecoming?
The Good Ol'Ads
Nvidia announces Blackwell Ultra and Rubin AI chips
Acidly: Nvidia's annual GTC conference was a thrilling spectacle of self-congratulation, where CEO Jensen Huang unveiled their latest chips as if they were the holy grail of AI. Blackwell Ultra and Vera Rubin are set to save cloud companies billions—assuming they can convince them to keep shelling out for the latest shiny hardware. Meanwhile, in a few years, we’ll be graced with chips named after physicists who'd be rolling in their graves at this absurdity. But hey, expect the usual hype; it’s just another day in AI paradise.
Android 16 likely to introduce revamped battery and WiFi icons
Acidly: In an astonishing burst of creativity, Google decided to spice things up in Android 16 beta 3. Behold the revolutionary battery icon—a dazzling color scheme! Red for dying (how original), green for charging (groundbreaking), and a jaw-dropping horizontal orientation that totally upheaves our world. The Wi-Fi icon now slims down from five segments to a chic three—because who wouldn't want a less detailed representation of their internet connection? These genius design tweaks might never see the light of day, but hey, keep dreaming, tech geeks!
Another raw pet food recall is tied to illness and death in cats
Acidly: In a twist straight from a horror flick, Savage Pet’s raw chicken is now the leading suspect in a tragic cat murder mystery. After the death of one feline culprit and a sickening trend in New York City, health officials are waving red flags like it’s a cat rave. Who knew dinner could double as a death sentence? With bird flu and other delightful germs lurking, experts suggest cooking your pets’ food—because who needs a complete disaster when a simple microwave will do?