Greenpeace must pay over $660M in case over Dakota Access protest activities, jury finds
Acidly: In a stunning blow to Greenpeace, a jury has decided that their eco-militancy against the Dakota Access Pipeline deserves a staggering $660 million+ bill. Energy Transfer, the pipeline company, claims Greenpeace’s antics went beyond free speech into full-blown lawlessness. Greenpeace, of course, vows to keep shouting into the void while teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. As they scramble to appeal and regroup, one has to wonder: is saving the planet worth getting obliterated in court?
Israel launches first ground offensive since Gaza ceasefire collapse, partially recapturing key area
Acidly: Israel's not-so-targeted “targeted ground activities” have resumed in Gaza, shattering the two-month ceasefire faster than you can say “oops.” Meanwhile, they’ve claimed about 70 new casualities—funeral homes are such popular targets! Hamas whines about Israel's bad behavior while Israel insists hostages aren't much of a bargaining chip. Let's not forget the tragic comedy of a UN staffer getting wiped out—collateral damage, right? Protests erupted in Israel, but really, who needs peace when war keeps the ratings up?
Italian coast guard recovers bodies of 6 migrants who died in shipwreck in the Mediterranean
Acidly: In a thrilling sequel to "Who Wants to Sink a Dinghy?", the Italian Coast Guard is on a fresh hunt for 40 migrants who took a dip in the Mediterranean after their rubber raft decided it was done with this whole "floating" thing. Six bodies retrieved, 10 survivors rescued (and under psychological care—good luck with that). Meanwhile, Premier Meloni pats herself on the back for reducing arrivals, as if the tragic numbers of the dead mean anything to her government. After all, it’s just another Tuesday in the Mediterranean graveyard.
The Good Ol'Ads
2025 NFL mock draft 3.0: Who's drafting Cam Ward at No. 1? Shedeur Sanders falling?
Acidly: Ah, the 2025 NFL Draft—a cluster of overhyped college kids with questionable potential, entering a league that pays them to gloriously underperform. The Giants, desperate for a QB, might gamble on Cam Ward, because “steady improvement” is the goal for teams that can't even make it through a season without catastrophic failures. The Browns doubling down on edge rushers? Genius! And the Titans? Somehow convinced they can snag a blue-chip talent without embarrassing themselves. Splendid chaos awaits!
'Snow White' hits theaters — and the magic mirror couldn't have predicted the controversy around the live-action film
Acidly: Ah, Disney’s *Snow White*: a drama-filled dumpster fire masquerading as a fairy tale. Starring Rachel Zegler, it’s been a controversy cocktail since 2016 — from skin-color squabbles to CGI dwarfs. Zegler wants empowerment; critics want purity. The press tour? More like a magician’s vanishing act, less red carpet, more “let’s pretend this mess isn’t happening.” And Gadot? Let’s just say her political views clash harder than a prince and a poisoned apple. Can Zegler's voice drown out the noise? Stay tuned!
Dark Energy experiment shakes Einstein's theory of Universe
Acidly: In a shocking twist, scientists are whispering about Dark Energy—a mysterious force that’s apparently laughing in the face of Einstein's theories. A new experiment suggests it’s not only real but throwing cosmic curveballs. Remember when everyone thought the universe’s expansion would chill out? Ha! Turns out it's speeding up, and scientists are left scratching their heads while patting themselves on the back for the “exciting” discovery of their own ignorance. Buckle up; the universe is apparently even weirder than we thought!
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock futures rise as investors look to extend rally fueled by Fed’s rate cut outlook: Live updates
Acidly: Stock futures rose Wednesday night, because who doesn't love a dash of optimism amid uncertainty? After all, the Fed plans to cut rates in 2025 while warning of rising inflation. Genius, right? The Dow gained a whopping 0.9%, the S&P climbed over 1%, and Nasdaq, well, it still lingers in correction territory like that awful sweater you refuse to throw out. Meanwhile, Powell assures us the tariffs’ impact is "transitory." It’s cute how markets cling to hope like a child to a security blanket. Good luck with that!
Pixel 9a: The latest A-series phone with Google AI smarts at an unbeatable value
Acidly: Introducing the Pixel 9a: the budget-friendly miracle that promises to do it all—at least until it doesn't. With a dazzling design and a camera so good it almost forges your selfies, it’s meant to blow your mind for just $499. It boasts an upgrade that sounds impressive but is basically a fancy “smart” assistant who'll probably judge your life choices. And hey, it’s durable enough to survive spills, unlike your dignity. Get ready for a 30-hour battery life that likely outlasts your patience. Stellar, right?
As measles cases rise across the US, who may need another vaccine 'booster'?
Acidly: Measles is making a comeback, proving that ignoring science is a fantastic way to invite trouble. Texas is now home to 279 cases, mostly among those who opted out of vaccinations—smart move, right? The CDC recommends two doses for kids, but who needs that? Older folks, born before '57, are exempt due to their "life-long" immunity, which sounds impressive until you check their age. Meanwhile, parents in outbreak areas are advised to consider an early third dose for infants. Because clearly, logic has taken a long vacation.