Improving Education Outcomes by Empowering Parents, States, and Communities
Acidly: In a glorious maneuver that marks a new low for American education, President Trump declared war on the Department of Education. With a student body barely scraping by on reading and math, he's decided that dismantling the very bureaucracy tasked with "educating" them will save the day. Why bother with responsible oversight when you can throw the whole thing back to the states and pray they figure it out? After all, who doesn't love a good educational experiment? Here’s to brighter futures—minus the feds!
LIVE: Israeli attacks kill almost 600 as troops invade south, north Gaza
Acidly: In a thrilling sequel to the ongoing tragedy, Israeli ground forces have decided to spice things up by ramping up assaults in Rafah and Beit Lahiya, proving that chaos is the new black. As death tolls rise faster than hopes for peace, locals are either rooting for survival or the latest headline. Who knew that potential for human suffering could be so… popular? Meanwhile, the world watches this horror show unfold, eyes glued, popcorn in hand—morbid curiosity at its finest.
EU presses on with steel 'porcupine strategy' for Ukraine as Russia tries to end Western support
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, Putin demands the West stop aiding Ukraine, and guess what? The EU collectively shrugs, ignoring his pleas while building Ukraine into a military powerhouse. Hello, porcupine strategy! Scholz insists on a strong, independent Ukraine, while European leaders call for urgent support. Meanwhile, Ukrainians are the new frontline heroes, and the EU plans to shower them with artillery and drones, giving everyone a front-row seat to a geopolitical circus. Bravo!
The Good Ol'Ads
Will Wade, No. 12 McNeese State Thrill Fans in Upset of No. 5 Clemson in March Madness
Acidly: Well, look who just crashed out of March Madness faster than the average student's sleep schedule—Clemson! They got a masterclass in "How to Lose to a Lesser Team" from Will Wade and McNeese State, who celebrated their first NCAA Tournament win by making the Tigers look like they’d never touched a basketball. Down by 13 at halftime, they somehow thought a late rush would save them. Spoiler: it didn’t. Now, McNeese gets to face Purdue while Clemson heads back to the drawing board. Oops!
Blake Lively files motion to dismiss Justin Baldoni's 'vengeful' lawsuit, citing this California law
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, Blake Lively filed to dismiss Justin Baldoni's ridiculous $400 million lawsuit. Just two days after Ryan Reynolds hopped on this doomed bandwagon, citing a California law that protects those who dare speak out against harassment. Baldoni's lawsuit is so outlandish it's like trying to run a marathon with a steel anchor. Lively's team called it a "profound abuse of the legal process." So, as they prepare for a courtroom circus, can we just cut to the part where they end up financially responsible for their own bad decisions?
‘More Than a Hint’ That Dark Energy Isn’t What Astronomers Thought
Acidly: In a revelation that’s as welcome as a toothache, astronomers have discovered that dark energy, that cosmic villain keeping our universe on its joyride of expansion, isn’t as constant as we thought. Apparently, it may ebb and flow, potentially dooming us to a "Big Crunch" or, if we're lucky, leaving the universe stable. But before we pop the champagne, another team confirmed the standard model still stands—at least for now. Bravo, science! Just when we thought we understood the cosmos, it pulls a classic twist and leaves us all befuddled.
The Good Ol'Ads
Nike expects sales will plunge in current quarter as it faces tariffs, sliding consumer confidence
Acidly: Nike’s quarterly forecast is a delightful mess, predicting double-digit sales declines amid tariffs, slumping consumer confidence, and their genius decision to purge outdated styles. CFO Matt Friend must be thrilled seeing a predicted margin drop of 4-5 percentage points—perfectly timed to coincide with a market craving the new… just not from Nike. Their stock dropped faster than a worn-out sneaker, showing that consumers don’t have time for stale kicks. Who knew running from competition would be this exhausting?
Apple puts Vision Pro exec in charge of Siri in exec shakeup
Acidly: In a desperate bid to save what little dignity Siri has left, Apple has decided to throw its current AI head, John Giannandrea, under the proverbial bus. Tim Cook's faith has dissolved faster than Siri's ability to answer simple questions, so he's brought in Mike Rockwell—because who knows, maybe a guy who makes fancy headsets can also fix a glorified voice assistant? Meanwhile, Apple has resorted to leeching off ChatGPT to stay relevant. Bravo, Cupertino. Truly, you’re a technological marvel—just not the one you think you are.
Why don't we remember being a baby? New study provides clues
Acidly: Researchers at Yale have cracked the code on "infantile amnesia," revealing that babies can indeed remember things—shocking, I know. By showing infants images and monitoring their brain's hippocampus, they discovered that babies recognize pictures when they stare at them longer the second time. Who knew? It’s essentially brain gymnastics! Sadly, these memories might vanish quicker than a toddler's attention span. So, we might remember more than we thought, but who cares? We can't brag about baby memories at cocktail parties anyway.