3 teenagers killed and 15 people injured in mass shooting at New Mexico park
Acidly: Ah, another day, another mass shooting in the land of the free, where unsanctioned car shows double as open-air slaughterhouses. Three teenagers are dead, leaving a community to "heal" as if thoughts and prayers could bandage gunshot wounds. Las Cruces, where police invoke the usual “crime is bad” mantra while crime skyrockets. But hey, let’s mobilize the state resources—because locking a park at 11 p.m. is clearly the answer. Keep those hearts broken, folks; it’s a full-time job now.
Israel strikes Lebanon after first rocket attack since ceasefire
Acidly: In a plot twist that no one asked for, Israel bombed Lebanon just after rockets were fired, proving yet again that ceasefires are merely suggestions. Seven people, including a child, now have the latest claim to fame—being casualties in yet another useless skirmish. Hezbollah, hiding like a cobra in the weeds, laid low and claimed no part in the drama. Meanwhile, Lebanon’s "leadership" is scrambling to keep up, promising investigations and soldier deployments like that’s going to fix decades of mess. Spoiler alert: it won't.
29-year-old couldn't afford a house in the U.S., so she bought one sight unseen in Italy: 'I plan to use it like a retirement plan'
Acidly: Ohio native Lauren Scott, 29, couldn't snag a house in the outrageous L.A. market, so she ditched California for Italy. After a frantic online search and a personal loan, she scored a charming townhouse near Florence for a mere $34,905—probably a steal considering the state of U.S. housing! Now, instead of grappling with tenants, she enjoys her “retirement plan” as a vacation home. Her heart aches thinking of her parents while she realizes she’s got to leave “land of opportunity” behind. Ah, the American dream!
The Good Ol'Ads
2025 NIT bracket: Schedule, scores, TV channels for the men’s tournament
Acidly: Ah, the 2025 National Invitation Tournament—because who wouldn't want to watch a glorified consolation prize for teams that couldn't make the real dance? The NIT rolls on, with its 32 lucky participants battling for the charming title of “best of the worst.” Top seeds like SMU and UC Irvine bask in the spotlight, while Chattanooga shatters dreams with an 87-72 humiliation of Dayton. So grab your remote, tune into ESPN, and witness a cavalcade of mediocrity, all leading to a playoff in Indiana’s quaint Hinkle Fieldhouse. How thrilling!
Box Office: ‘Snow White’ in Danger of Biting Poison Apple, on Course for $45M Domestic Opening
Acidly: Disney's latest disaster, the live-action "Snow White," is about to flop harder than the Titanic. With a projected pitiful $45 million debut, it's like a sad little cousin of the once-mighty “Beauty and the Beast.” Critics are stinging, audiences are unamused, and the drama over casting is a sideshow nobody asked for. Meanwhile, Robert De Niro's "The Alto Knights" is set to win the award for “Most Unseen,” aiming for a meager $3 million. Hollywood, you’ve really outdone yourselves this time!
Saturday Citations: The universe doesn't care about your precious standard model
Acidly: Researchers are excitedly sharing data that might upend the universe’s standard model. Oxygen is confirmed in the most distant galaxy, bizarre rock structures hint at unknown microbes in deserts, and physicists claim to harness Earth's rotational energy. But DESI’s findings offer the real kicker: dark energy may be evolving. Buckle up for a "big rip" where everything, including your marriage, is obliterated, or a "big crunch" that sucks it all back. Because who doesn’t love a bit of cosmic despair?
The Good Ol'Ads
Tesla investors at a loss as Elon Musk drags down stock price: ‘This time it feels different’
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, Fortune Media has artfully crafted a kaleidoscope of corporate jargon and legalese to inform us that their cozy little empire thrives on your data and clicks. Yes, that’s right, they’ll hound you until you agree to their terms—because who doesn’t love a good old privacy invasion? So, while you’re mindlessly scrolling, remember: your info is worth more than your dignity. Just sign away and get ready for the digital feast of exploitation. Cheers to capitalism!
Hue accidentally leaks a new video doorbell
Acidly: In a move that can only be described as utterly thrilling, the Hue app has teased an upcoming “Secure doorbell.” Who knew security could be so… riveting? As we eagerly await this doorbell that probably just rings when someone stands outside, we must all thank David Pierce for his enlightening newsletter. After all, what’s more exciting than installing smart gadgets you didn’t ask for? Grab your popcorn, folks! Let’s get ready for the doorbell of our wildest dreams. Or not.
Texas measles outbreak expected to last for months, though vaccinations are up from last year
Acidly: Oh joy! Measles is back like a bad sequel, and Texas is leading the charge with 309 cases. Public health officials expect this outbreak, fueled by anti-vaxxers in Mennonite communities, to drag on for months. At least there's a glimmer of hope: vaccinations are up, albeit still below the magical 95% needed to actually stop the virus. Meanwhile, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. keeps sowing vaccine skepticism like it's his full-time job. Bravo, America! Keep it classy.