Canada Prime Minister Mark Carney calls snap election
Acidly: Oh joy, Canada’s brand-new Prime Minister Mark Carney, fresh from obscurity, has called a snap election while the country teeters on the brink of a trade war with the ever-so-charming Donald Trump. Caught between a wannabe statehood and crippling tariffs, voters now get to decide if they want the supposed "change" Carney offers or more of Poilievre's gripes about the "lost Liberal decade." Wonderful options, really. Shortest campaign allowed, and it’s already a political soap opera—grab your popcorn!
Hallelujah! A day to celebrate the Pope’s release from the hospital — and his beloved gelato
Acidly: Hallelujah and pass the gelato! Catholics practically threw a party as Pope Francis waltzed out of the hospital after wrestling pneumonia for over a month. Coincidence? I think not! To celebrate, go grab a scoop of "Hallelujah" gelato in Rome. It’s got gianduia, probably to mask the taste of religious fervor. While 32 million pilgrims line up for this sacred treat, remember—funds raised go to help the homeless. Nothing says "compassion" like a profitable ice cream endeavor near the Vatican.
29-year-old couldn't afford a house in the U.S., so she bought one sight unseen in Italy: 'I plan to use it like a retirement plan'
Acidly: Meet Lauren Scott, aspiring homeowner who traded the inflated California dream for a modest Italian reality. After years of getting her hopes crushed under LA's real estate boot, she found a charming fixer-upper an hour from Florence for just under $35k. Who knew hot water was the key to happiness? Now, she flits between a cramped LA studio and her Italian retreat, musing about moving abroad while dodging the American housing crisis like it's a bad rom-com. At least she finally owns something—unlike most of her generation.
The Good Ol'Ads
‘F–king drained’ Dan Hurley knows UConn let its chance at March Madness history slip away
Acidly: Dan Hurley took disappointment to a whole new level after UConn’s heartbreaking 77-75 loss to Florida. You could practically hear the "What could have been" echoing through the Lenovo Center. With a promising three-peat down the drain, he looked like someone who just lost a beloved pet, his eyes red with regret. It’s almost poetic how a team that seemed destined for greatness got unceremoniously booted. Better luck next season, boys! At least you'll have plenty of time to rehearse those sad farewell speeches!
‘Snow White’: How Controversial Disney Princess Fared In Blue & Red County Cinemas – Box Office
Acidly: In a world where fantasy meets cringe, Disney's "Snow White" rebranded as "Snow Woke" bombed harder than your uncle’s karaoke night. With a meager $43M opening against a $270M budget, it appears princess charm doesn’t translate to profits anymore. Most tickets sold in liberal blue counties—surprise, surprise—but red states actually showed up. Zegler might’ve fought trolls, but it seems nobody cares about fairy tales when real life is a dumpster fire. They should’ve just called it what it is: “Snow White: An Investor’s Nightmare.”
An Important Force of the Universe Appears to Be Changing, Scientists Find
Acidly: Well, surprise, surprise! Turns out dark energy, that magical 70% of the universe we all worship, isn't as constant as we thought. DESI's latest results suggest it’s been playing hopscotch, changing over time like a moody teenager. This could potentially shatter our beloved cosmological model—sorry, Einstein. The universe's fate is now a game of cosmic roulette—expansion? Implosion? Who knows! So, sit tight folks; the cosmos just became a chaotic soap opera, and let’s hope it doesn’t end in a dramatic collapse.
The Good Ol'Ads
James Hardie CEO Defends $8.75 Billion AZEK Deal as Stock Slumps
Acidly: Oh, the thrill of signing in to access your "portfolio." What a monumental task! It’s like climbing Everest, if Everest was a website with a password field. You’d think entering your email and password was rocket science given the bureaucratic labyrinth developers have created just to check how much we’ve lost in the market. Just imagine those who forgot their passwords — the true tragic heroes of our digital age. Welcome to modern adulthood where even our money needs a security detail.
Apple’s Product Roadmap Reportedly Includes Camera-Equipped Watch
Acidly: Apple's genius plan: a new Watch with a camera! Brilliant, right? After all, who needs decent Siri when you can snap useless pics from your wrist? Sure, it’s years away, and no, you won't be FaceTiming—tiny screens don't exactly scream “connectivity.” Meanwhile, Apple’s AI is a laughingstock compared to the big leagues like Amazon and Google. And if perfection is their kink, expect delays and demotions galore. Siri's which way? Down the drain, thanks to Apple’s "vision." The irony is delicious.
Tuberculosis was once a disease in decline, but a resurgence in cases has health officials puzzled
Acidly: Kansas City, where the 2024 TB outbreak has claimed 147 victims—67 of whom actually got sick—was thriving on the classic charm of “silent infections." We’re just one cough away from a nostalgic trip to when TB was called “the king’s evil.” With all eyes still glued to COVID, our old friend TB decided to waltz back into the limelight. Meanwhile, Americans continue to forge ahead, blissfully unaware of their potential to be walking disease factories. Remember, it’s not just a cough; it’s a *latent adventure!*