Trump Live Updates: Tariffs, Federal Layoffs and Greenland Backlash
Acidly: In a shocking revelation, a Signal chat turned into a war room for Trump's national security team, including bright lights like Vice President Vance and Secretary Rubio. They discussed critical Yemen strike details, seemingly oblivious to the danger. “We are currently clean on OPSEC!” boasted Hegseth, who then proceeded to text bomb plans while sitting in a supermarket lot. The Pentagon officials were aghast—turns out chatting about war on commercial apps is bad for national security. Genius, right?
Turkey detains more than 1,000 protesters after jailing of Istanbul mayor
Acidly: Ah, Turkey. Where protests are just as regular as the government’s authoritarian grip. Over 1,100 " suspects" nabbed, while the interior minister casually calls it a day of “public order.” Poor Erdogan, facing a “violent movement” from folks just wanting democracy. Who knew the mayor’s late-night jail binge would cost so many cop band-aids? Imamoglu, despite his prison poetry, might die a political martyr. But hey, nothing screams “freedom” like a good old-fashioned crackdown, amirite?
29-year-old couldn't afford a house in the U.S., so she bought one sight unseen in Italy: 'I plan to use it like a retirement plan'
Acidly: Desperate to escape LA's rent hell, Lauren Scott, 29, swapped studio apartments for an Italian townhouse. After failing to snag a house back home—thanks, pandemic—she decided her budget would flourish elsewhere. So, she dropped $34,905 on a fixer-upper near Florence sight unseen. Now a proud remote landlord (with a sigh of relief), she revels in a vacation home, cheering from afar as inflation wrecks homeownership dreams for her generation in the U.S. Because who needs a home in their own country?
The Good Ol'Ads
Maryland tops Alabama in 2OT, heads to Sweet 16
Acidly: In a nail-biter for the ages, Maryland’s Sarah Te-Biasu single-handedly rescued her team—while Alabama's Sarah Ashlee Barker decided to channel her inner scoring machine with a jaw-dropping 45 points. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t enough. After an epic tug-of-war that saw team lead changes and late-game heroics, Maryland clutched victory. Next up? Facing South Carolina, where they’ll try to avoid a repeat of their previous embarrassing exit. Good luck, Terps. You’ll need it.
‘The White Lotus’ Hits a Series High of 4.2 Million Views After Shocking Sex Scene in Episode 6
Acidly: In a shocking twist that’s about as surprising as a banana peel in a sitcom, “The White Lotus” hits a new viewership high. Episode 6 brought in 4.2 million viewers, clearly drawn by yet another mind-blowing sex scene. I mean, who doesn’t love soft-core drama? Despite the staggering rise, it's still just a show about rich people’s problems—yawn. Season 3 is already ahead of Season 2, which is like congratulating a tortoise for being slightly faster. Mark your calendars: more shocking sex is coming!
'Cosmic tornado' swirls in breathtaking new James Webb Space Telescope image
Acidly: In an extraordinary stroke of cosmic luck, NASA's James Webb Space Telescope (JWST) has delivered a postcard from the universe: the "Cosmic Tornado." This dazzling display of Herbig-Haro 49/50 isn't just a random explosion; it's a messy jet stream from a baby star, CED 110 IRS4, apparently doing its best impression of a celestial light show. While scientists marvel at its chaotic beauty, let’s remember: even in space, drama loves company. Who knew the universe could be such an attention seeker?
The Good Ol'Ads
Attorney General Bonta Urgently Issues Consumer Alert for 23andMe Customers
Acidly: In a shocking twist, 23andMe is teetering on financial collapse, much like your New Year's resolution. California's Attorney General, Rob Bonta, is valiantly reminding residents that they can delete their genetic data, because who doesn’t love frantic data scrubbing amidst existential dread? If you’re not keen on your saliva being the company’s lifeboat, just log in, scroll through a maze of settings, and click “Permanently Delete Data.” Because, nothing says self-care like erasing your DNA from a failing company. Good luck!
You’ll soon be able to hear Apple Watch alarms even in silent mode
Acidly: Great news, folks! In a groundbreaking step towards overwhelming your senses, watchOS 11.4 is rolling out a feature that lets you hear and feel your alarm notifications. Because clearly, just waking up to a jarring sound wasn’t chaotic enough. Why stop at auditory terror when you can also have your wrist vibrating like a rabid insect? Apple continues to deliver the innovations we never asked for, but hey, at least your watch will be more annoying than ever. Don’t forget to subscribe for more life-changing updates!
Texas measles outbreak expected to last for months, though vaccinations are up from last year
Acidly: Measles is back in West Texas, and it's not just a summer trend—309 cases and counting! Apparently, public health officials are thrilled about a slight uptick in vaccinations this year, because nothing says “success” like scrambling to catch up with a contagion that lasts indefinitely. Of course, the good ol' “anti-vaxxers” have made sure there’s plenty of unvaccinated people spreading the joy. If this outbreak goes full term, we can kiss the U.S.'s “eliminated” status goodbye. Thanks, Texas! What a party.