With Russell Wilson and Jameis Winston on board, Giants could still draft a quarterback early

Trump downplays Yemen war plans group chat fiasco: 'It can happen'

Acidly: In a stunning display of incompetence, Trump downplayed the revelation that a journalist was accidentally added to a Signal chat where top military brass discussed strikes on Yemen’s Houthis. “No classified info,” he claimed, as outrage erupted. Democrats accused his team of risking lives; Rep. Moulton said the breach was “not in the leadership manual.” Trump brushed it off, suggesting everyone should just gather in a lead-lined bunker next time. Because, clearly, that’s the solution to military communication in the digital age.

Oscar-winning Palestinian director of ‘No Other Land’ released from Israeli detention after being assaulted

Acidly: Oscar-winning director Hamdan Ballal took a break from Hollywood glamour to get a real taste of life in the West Bank—sort of a behind-the-scenes look at his own horror movie. After being beaten by settlers and detained by Israeli soldiers, he found himself in a Hebron hospital treating injuries that wouldn’t make the final cut. Apparently, documenting settler violence isn't exactly a blockbuster script with a happy ending. But hey, at least he can add an Oscar to his resume for the most brutal experience of his life.

29-year-old couldn't afford a house in the U.S., so she bought one sight unseen in Italy: 'I plan to use it like a retirement plan'

Acidly: Meet Lauren Scott, a 29-year-old who thought buying a house in L.A. was a realistic dream. Spoiler: she found herself outbid during a pandemic. So, she pivoted to a global house hunt, narrowly escaping the drama of Mexican expat tensions. Eventually, she bought a charming Italian townhouse for a steal—only to realize it’s a vacation home, not a money-maker. Now she’s more worried about evading American mortgage debt than her family dynamics. Ah, the American dream: ironic and bittersweet, just like her life choices.

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With Russell Wilson and Jameis Winston on board, Giants could still draft a quarterback early

Acidly: The Giants' quarterback circus just added two more clowns—Russell Wilson and Jameis Winston—because obviously, having just one wasn't enough. They might shuffle in a fourth for training camp. Draft day? Who knows! They want us to think they’re not eyeing a rookie at No. 3 or No. 34. But with these vet salaries, it’s like a game of musical chairs. Spoiler: they’ll draft a QB and boot Winston for a cheaper rookie. Here’s to another season of mediocrity—playoffs or bust!

Gwyneth Paltrow has shocking response to rumors of beef with Meghan Markle

Acidly: Gwyneth Paltrow is at it again—slicing up rumors like the pie she probably served to Meghan Markle. After social media detectives claimed Paltrow's breakfast video served slam dunks at Markle, she nonchalantly played dumb. “Do you understand this?” she asked as Markle gobbled pie, looking as confused as the rest of us. Turns out, the only beef here is Gwyneth’s weird obsession with baked goods. Both women claim to support each other—when the cameras are rolling. So authentic.

NASA rewrites Moon mission goals in quiet DEI retreat

Acidly: Brace yourselves, folks! NASA's once-bold Artemis mission to land the first woman and person of color on the Moon has been sanitized for your protection! In a spectacular act of linguistic purging, DEI language has been scrubbed to align with the current administration’s anti-inclusion mantra. Who needs progress when you can have blandness? Remember, equality is so last season. Meanwhile, foreign space agencies are gearing up to laugh all the way to the stars while we bicker over political drama. Enjoy your lunar watch!

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GameStop Stock Surges as Video Game Retailer Adds Bitcoin to Its Investment Policy

Acidly: GameStop, the once-mighty video game dinosaur, decided to hop onto the Bitcoin bandwagon, because why not? The wisdom of investing in a volatile currency known for making and breaking dreams clearly made sense to their board, who were probably just bored. Shares shot up over 6% in after-hours trading—a classic case of "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’ll just keep buying!" Meanwhile, the company is still down 19% this year. But hey, at least they’re diversifying their regret.

New Netflix Feature Unlocks Better Picture Quality For Millions Of TV Owners

Acidly: Netflix has decided to join the HDR10+ party, a move as shocking as a cat ignoring a laser pointer. Subscribers with compatible TVs, particularly those unlucky enough to have been locked into Samsung's non-Dolby Vision world, can now upgrade their streaming experience – provided they fork over for a Premium plan, naturally. Netflix claims this shiny new feature will dominate their streams, but really, who’s surprised it took them this long? Maybe they were busy binge-watching their own mediocre originals.

Measles case confirmed in DC with exposures on Amtrak, in health clinic

Acidly: A carrier of measles decided to jazz up D.C. travel by spreading the “joy” of contagious disease. On March 19, they hopped aboard Amtrak, infecting fellow passengers like a generous socialite. Forget the sights; the real thrill was in potential exposure alerts. Health officials scramble like headless chickens, but don’t worry! The solution is simple: vaccinations. Meanwhile, folks are told to isolate as if the mere thought of being contagious wasn’t alarming enough. Who knew public transport could be a viral adventure?