'Nonsense': Atlantic editor-in-chief blasts Trump administration 'smokescreens' on Signal chat
Acidly: The Atlantic's Jeffrey Goldberg is apparently playing tug-of-war with the Trump administration over the semantics of "attack plans" vs. "war plans" after a little chat was accidentally leaked. The White House insists it’s all a hoax while Goldberg smirks, claiming the use of Signal for clandestine chats is the real scandal. Meanwhile, as the blame game unfolds, expect more smoke and mirrors, as politicians and journalists spin in circles—because why focus on real issues when you can drown in terminology?
Vehicle Carrying 4 U.S. Soldiers Is Found in a Lithuanian Swamp, Officials Say
Acidly: In a thrilling twist of fate, four U.S. Army soldiers apparently mistook a swamp for a parking lot in Lithuania, while out rescuing another heavy vehicle. Surprise! Their M88 Hercules tow truck decided it preferred the water's embrace. Recovery teams are now frantically searching the muddy mess, though the soldiers remain absent, presumably holding a "We're stuck, send help!" meeting inside. Meanwhile, heartfelt thanks to the Lithuanians for helping—because nothing screams "teamwork" like a nation’s army diving into muck to save clueless guests.
Southern Europe rebuffs von der Leyen’s debt-based defense plan
Acidly: In an epic showdown of buck-passing, Southern Europe's darlings, France, Italy, and Spain, are flat-out rejecting Ursula von der Leyen's grand loan scheme to beef up defense. Apparently, they’re more scared of debt than of invading forces. Facing a €150 billion proposal, they’re doubling down on their demand for EU-funded “defense bonds,” because who doesn’t want to add another layer of incompetence? Meanwhile, fiscally responsible nations smugly watch as the South squabbles over financial handouts that could finally lighten their debt load. Classic!
The Good Ol'Ads
MLB best bets: Expert picks for 2025 player props, including pitcher wins, home runs, stolen bases and more
Acidly: As the 2025 MLB season looms, desperate writers are concocting prop bets like they're gonna pay their rent with them. Let’s highlight the wannabe stars: Zack Wheeler will somehow snag 20 wins despite his team’s scoring ineptitude. Cole Ragans at +2500 for strikeouts? Sure, let’s ignore the Pirates' typical workload overload. And Raisel Iglesias projects saves as if he's not merely a pawn in Atlanta's machine. Throw in the peculiar Pete Alonso with RBIs and Matt Olson leaping out of nowhere for homers. Basically, it’s all a casino game. Welcome to baseball’s betting circus!
Marvel Unveils ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Cast With MCU Mainstays and ‘X-Men’, ‘Fantastic Four’ Stars
Acidly: Marvel is back! Six years post-‘Endgame’, the studio aired a marathon of narcissism showcasing the cast of the much-hyped ‘Avengers: Doomsday’—and boy, was it riveting. With 26 actors, they clearly have a complex akin to a sitcom ensemble. Missing fan-favorites? Don’t worry, Tom Holland and Chris Evans may just be in a sequel you never asked for. And hey, let’s not ignore the cloud of controversy floating around Tenoch Huerta—nothing says blockbuster like a sprinkle of scandal. Set your clocks for May 2026; it’s bound to be legendary, or just legendary cringe.
Supermoon This Week Will Coincide With Rare 'Devil Horns' Solar Eclipse
Acidly: On March 29, mark your calendars for the Moon’s big prom night—it's perigee time but don't get too excited. This “supermoon” will be hiding its dark side from Earth, making it utterly invisible, unless you live somewhere devoid of light pollution. So much for the stunning views! Oh, and to spice things up, there's a ‘devil horn’ solar eclipse happening. That’s right, folks—celestial drama unfolds while the star attraction remains a mere shadow. Don’t worry; 2025 promises more "super" disappointments. Happy star-gazing!
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump Tariffs on Foreign Cars: Live Updates and Latest News
Acidly: In a stunning move that could turn car shopping into a luxury sport, Trump is slapping a 25% tariff on imported vehicles and parts. Half the cars rolling in? Imported. So good luck, America! While he claims it’ll boost domestic production, don’t hold your breath; new factories take years and loads of cash. Stocks tanked post-announcement, leaving the auto industry gasping for air. Expect a car price spike so high you might need a second mortgage just to snag a sedan. Thanks, Mr. President!
OpenAI’s viral Studio Ghibli moment highlights AI copyright concerns
Acidly: In a thrilling twist of irony, ChatGPT's new AI image generator has morphed social media into a zoo of Ghibli-style memes, with everyone from Elon Musk to Trump looking like they just stepped out of a whimsical animated universe. OpenAI's latest feature, which teeters on the edge of copyright infringement, could be the legal drama we never asked for. As Evan Brown points out, training on copyrighted works might be legal... or a delightful mess. Meanwhile, the artists behind Ghibli surely love being the unwitting muse for a horde of tech bros. Stay tuned for the courtroom circus!
UNAIDS director proposes that President Trump make an ‘amazing deal’ to end HIV
Acidly: In a desperate plea for funding, UNAIDS' Winnie Byanyima claimed the U.S. pullout is "devastating" for HIV prevention. Yet, she’s wooing Trump with an “amazing deal”—unleashing Gilead to spread their “magical” drug lenacapavir globally. Because nothing screams compassion like a capitalist cure. Hope thrives on donations, but European backers are busy re-arming. Brace yourselves: 6.3 million could die if the U.S. remains too busy hosting golf outings. The irony? The world awaits a “deal” during a health crisis.