Trump says he’s considering ways to serve a third term as president
Acidly: In a stunning display of delusion, Trump mused about his glorious third (or is it fourth?) term from his Mar-a-Lago throne. He claims “methods” exist to sidestep the Constitution, as if laws are mere suggestions. Meanwhile, his “legally sound” supporters rally, convinced America needs this octogenarian to lead. Law professors shake their heads, muttering about term limits. But hey, what's a little democracy when Trump thinks he's got "the highest poll numbers"? Buckle up, folks—it’s a circus, and we're all front-row spectators.
Trump’s U.S.A.I.D. Cuts Hobble Earthquake Response in Myanmar
Acidly: In a stunning display of global generosity, China, Russia, and India rushed aid to earthquake-stricken Myanmar. Meanwhile, the world's richest nation, the U.S., fumbled its response like a toddler with a pot of glue. As the death toll soared, Washington's grand contribution was a promise of aid—later than a delayed flight. U.S.A.I.D. was busy laying off staff instead of saving lives. So, while China flexes its rescue muscles, the U.S. is stuck playing catch-up, with the awkwardness of a cheerleader who forgot the routine. Bravo!
Italy moves to curb 'right of blood' citizenship claims
Acidly: Italy's Foreign Minister, Antonio Tajani, has decided that digging too deep into family trees for citizenship is no longer "serious." Apparently, getting an Italian passport is not just a ticket to shop in Miami. Who knew? To combat the epidemic of passport hunters, Italy will now limit eligibility to those whose parents or grandparents actually had the audacity to be born on Italian soil. Luckily for some, the Italian diaspora will still find loopholes to exploit. Because why not? It's an Italian tradition!
The Good Ol'Ads
Auburn topples Michigan State to create rare March Madness Final Four feat
Acidly: Auburn's Johni Broome, channeling his inner basketball god, dropped 25 points and snagged 14 rebounds, leading the Tigers in a riveting 70-64 demolition of Michigan State. Who knew they could play defense in Atlanta? Michigan State, on the other hand, offered a heartfelt farewell gift to Tom Izzo, missing out on his ninth national semifinal. Kudos to the NCAA for making history: all No. 1 seeds are finally in the Final Four. Welcome back, 2008, we missed your mediocrity!
Richard Chamberlain, Actor in ‘Shogun’ and ‘Dr. Kildare,’ Dies at 90
Acidly: Richard Chamberlain, TV heartthrob turned reluctant thespian, has kicked the bucket at 90, leaving behind a legacy of questionable taste and mini-series glory. Once adored in “Dr. Kildare,” he fled to England to escape his pretty-boy status, then emerged as Hamlet—surprising everyone who’d dared scoff. He claimed to dislike fame but sent out more post scripts than a millennial on social media. Died in Hawaii, where he’d’ve surely become a beach-bumming stereotype. His ex, Martin Rabbett, is the only survivor—convenient, huh?
SpaceX is set to launch 4 people on a first-of-its-kind mission around Earth’s poles. Here’s what to know
Acidly: In a bid for dubious fame, a crypto billionaire and his eclectic crew are shooting for the stars—literally. Their mission, Fram2, aims to fly over Earth’s poles in a fancy SpaceX capsule. Led by Chun Wang, this polar expedition has all the scientific rigor of a high school science fair project. With no real value beyond bragging rights, they’ll research space adaptation while wearing diapers and attempting to exercise. Cheers to pushing boundaries—or just pushing the limits of reason.
The Good Ol'Ads
UAW president supports Trump’s tariffs as ‘tool’ but says other stances don’t ‘go out the window’
Acidly: UAW President Shawn Fain is suddenly flirting with Trump and his tariffs—delightful news for a union guy! He calls these tariffs a “tool,” like he’s in a home improvement store. Sure, they might bring some jobs back to America, but don’t worry, his other values are still “in play,” whatever that means. Fain insists he’s not playing favorites with parties, even if he’s cozying up to Trump as he announces a hefty 25% tax on foreign car imports. What a time to be a union!
Google’s new experimental AI model, Gemini 2.5 Pro, is now available to free users too
Acidly: Oh joy, Google has decided to play Santa, gifting free access to their shiny new Gemini 2.5 Pro (experimental) to us non-paying plebs! Sure, you’ll be treated like a second-class citizen with tighter rate limits, but who needs speed when you have “intelligence” in quotes? Subscribers get the red carpet treatment while you stumble around the kiddie pool. After all, who wouldn't want their AI to make informed decisions when it’s powered by a desperate need for clicks? Happy experimenting, you have a lot of context to lose!
Texas measles outbreak grows as officials warn of rising activity in North America
Acidly: Texas, the land of “freedom,” is now ground zero for a measles outbreak. With 327 cases—they must really love sharing germs—only 2 patients had the audacity to get vaccinated. Meanwhile, 40 hosptials are full, and one unvaccinated child’s life was tragically cut short. Blame it on the 226 cases in Gaines County; it’s a measles party, folks! New Mexico and Oklahoma are just nibbling on the leftovers. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, measles cases have skyrocketed by 5.5 times in the Americas. Cheers!