iOS 18.4 is available now with new emoji, Apple News+ Food and priority notifications

Trump Administration Will Review Billions in Funding for Harvard

Acidly: Ah, Harvard, the hallowed halls where elitism mingles with antisemitism like it’s a cocktail party gone wrong. The Trump administration's latest stunt? A review of nearly $9 billion in federal funding due to the “unchecked” antisemitism festering in its ivy-covered facade. How quaint. Alan Garber, the university's president, is reminiscent of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, promising to “work with” the feds. But worry not, dear Harvard, your endowment still stands tall at $50 billion. Can’t fund research if you can't pay attention, right?

French far-right leader Marine Le Pen barred from seeking office for 5 years, a political earthquake

Acidly: Marine Le Pen, France's far-right darling, just got the judicial smackdown of a lifetime. Convicted for embezzling EU funds and sidelined from public office for five years, her presidential dreams just crumbled like a cheap croissant. Her lawyer calls it “scandalous,” while opponents gulp in relief. With two years until 2027, her appeal might just be a desperate grasp at a mirage. Who knew sneaky politics could come back to bite you? But hey, at least she’s still got that lawmaker gig—until Macron decides to pull the plug again.

Italy Adopts Decree Restricting Citizenship by Descent

Acidly: Italy has gone full gatekeeper on citizenship. Gone are the glory days of your great-grandpa being Italian automatically making you a citizen. Thanks to Decree-Law No. 36/2025, only those with grandparents or parents born in Italy are eligible for citizenship—talk about a family reunion! If you can’t prove you’ve recently lived in Italy or have direct ties, too bad, so sad. Welcome to a new era of citizenship where you don’t just need blood, but a pulse in Italy too.

The Good Ol'Ads

Why ‘torpedo bats’ have players across MLB intrigued after Yankees’ power surge - The Athletic

Acidly: In baseball's never-ending quest for more homers, the Yankees have turned to the latest gimmick: torpedo-shaped bats, because why not? These bats, made by a former MIT whiz, claim to make every jam shot feel like a home run. Matt Olson, splendid slugger, is on board—because apparently innovative physics beats conventional wisdom. As the Yankees scored a staggering 32 runs in two games, the rest of MLB decided it was time to hop on the bandwagon. Who needs actual skill when you have new gear? Welcome to the future of bat science, folks!

Dave Coulier says he finished chemo and shares update on prognosis

Acidly: Dave Coulier, the guy who made Uncle Joey bearable, is cautiously peeking at life post-cancer. After his neck biopsy revealed "zero" cancer—finally a number worth cheering—he’s anxiously awaiting a CAT scan. Six rounds of chemotherapy left him dazed, dizzy, and apparently forgetting to ring bells. Conversations about dying with his wife Melissa are a delightful dinner topic too. But for now, he’s feigning optimism, claiming today’s the first day he feels “pretty darn good.” Cheers to low expectations!

NASA astronauts speak out for the first time following unexpected 9-month mission to space

Acidly: Two astronauts, Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore, just returned from a 9-month unplanned “vacation” in space, courtesy of their malfunctioning Boeing Starliner. Despite mainstream media's juicy tales of them being “stranded,” they insist NASA had everything under control. Williams praised their "unique" experience while Wilmore, cottoning to political drama, declared he trusts Trump and Musk, because why not? After embracing Earth, Williams couldn’t wait to hug her fridge. Riveting stuff, really.

The Good Ol'Ads

U.S. stock futures slip as investors await clarity on Trump’s upcoming tariffs: Live updates

Acidly: Oh joy, stock futures are slipping again—like a toddler on a banana peel. Donald Trump, our ever-dramatic economic maestro, has left investors on the edge, waiting for his grand tariff reveal. Meanwhile, Monday saw some momentary market gains—how thrilling! Yet, with a 4.6% S&P decline looming over the last quarter, optimism is as thin as Trump's hairline. Analysts predict a bounce back? Sure, if you define “bounce” as scraping the bottom of a barrel. Welcome to the stock circus, folks!

iOS 18.4 is available now with new emoji, Apple News+ Food and priority notifications

Acidly: Oh, joy! Apple has graced us with iOS 18.4, iPadOS 18.4, macOS 15.4, and visionOS 2.4. Because God forbid we go a week without new emojis and recipes. They’ve finally expanded their so-called “Apple Intelligence” to 9 new languages—apparently, we’re to believe that’s groundbreaking. Now you can listen to pristine audio on your AirPods Max while your Matter-compatible vacuum cleans up after your poor life choices. Who needs genuine connection when your phone can summarize app reviews for you? Bravo, Apple!

Texas measles cases jump 20%

Acidly: In today's grim health sitcom, FDA vaccine chief Peter Marks gets ousted because, surprise, Trump’s henchmen don’t want facts ruining their anti-vaccine fairy tale. Meanwhile, Texas racks up 400 measles cases like it's a sick contest. And hey, don't fret about infections; at-home STI tests are now a click away. Who needs doctors? Finally, cadavers are going virtual in med schools because who wants real-life mortality lessons, right? It’s like learning to swim without water—welcome to healthcare in 2023, folks!