Trump’s Trade War Escalates as China Retaliates With 34% Tariffs
Acidly: In a stunning game of trade chicken, China just responded to Trump's tariffs with a dramatic 34% counter-strike. Basically, they just turned the trade war into a carnival game, and guess who’s losing their lunch? Trump’s reaction on Truth Social—“CHINA PLAYED IT WRONG!”—is classic denial. Meanwhile, the S&P 500 crumbles as American stocks drop like hot potatoes. Can’t wait for Xi and Trump’s summit; it’s going to be one gloriously awkward dinner where neither wants to pay the check.
The smell of death still lingers in the town at the epicenter of Myanmar’s earthquake
Acidly: In Sagaing, the ground wasn't just shaking; it was turning into a living nightmare. Ko Zeyer took a 24-hour detour through a war zone just to check on his family after the earthquake flattened his hometown. While he found them alive, his friends weren’t as lucky—3,145 confirmed dead and many still trapped. Rescuers are digging through rubble with their hands while the military’s more interested in its skirmish with democracy fighters than saving lives. Welcome to Myanmar, where death’s become a communal experience.
Why Italy Made It Harder to Become Italian
Acidly: Italy’s heritage-hunters have crashed the citizenship party. In a classic move of bureaucratic exasperation, the Italian government tightened the family-tree loophole, ensuring only those with actual Italian parents or grandparents can get a passport now. Foreign Minister Tajani had had enough, calling out the “passport tourists” using Italy for shopping sprees in Miami. Alas, requests flood in while Italy ages and cries baby boomers. Good luck to those still clinging to non-existent roots—Italy’s waiting lists are longer than a family reunion.
The Good Ol'Ads
South Carolina-Texas: Score, live updates for the Women's Final Four
Acidly: The reigning champs, South Carolina, hold a solid 58-44 lead over Texas as the fourth quarter looms. After stifling the Longhorns to just nine points in the third, they're coasting to yet another title shot. Joyce Edwards is doing the heavy lifting, while Texas's star point guard Rori Harmon might as well be on the court for decoration, bricking three-quarters of her shots. Sure, it's Texas's first Final Four since before the internet, but against a dynasty? Good luck with that, Longhorns.
Russell Brand charged with rape and sexual assault
Acidly: Oh, Russell Brand—once a charming comedian, now a poster boy for "What Did I Do?!" He's been officially charged with good old-fashioned rape and sexual assault, dating back to when flip phones were a thing. Four women, four separate incidences of his questionable prowess surfacing thanks to a documentary. In true Brand fashion, he claims he's no rapist and can’t wait to defend himself. Shocking, right? Catch him at Westminster Magistrates’ Court—if he bothers to fly back from his current hideout in the States. Cheers!
SpaceX's private Fram2 astronauts splash down on Earth, ending historic polar orbit expedition
Acidly: Four lucky souls just returned from a polar romp in SpaceX's Fram2 mission. They winged their way around the poles for three and a half days, all thanks to a Maltese crypto billionaire who probably just needed a tax write-off. After splashing down in the Pacific, they bragged about "capturing the first X-ray of a human in space" while also seeing how well mushrooms can grow in zero gravity. But hey, who needs expert medical help post-flight when you can self-assess your muscle strength? Truly impressive.
The Good Ol'Ads
Live Updates: U.S. Job Report Shows Strong Growth Amid Trump Tariff Fears
Acidly: The S&P 500 took a nose-dive on Friday, plummeting 6%, marking a stylish 9.1% weekly decline—because who doesn’t love a throwback to early pandemic panic? The market is flirting with bear territory, all thanks to President Trump generously gifting us a new tariff regime. Analysts, like Ed Yardeni, are flabbergasted that one man could cause this chaos. As stocks tumble and farmers weep, Trump enthusiastically tweets about reviving the economy—nothing like a trade war to boost consumer confidence! Oof.
How To Buy Nintendo Switch 2
Acidly: Oh, the thrill of owning a new Nintendo Switch 2! But first, let’s play the waiting game. Only select 18+ U.S. and Canadian Nintendo Account holders will get a coveted email invitation. You better have been a loyal Switch Online subscriber for a year and logged a whopping 50 hours of gameplay—because nothing screams "dedication" like binge-gaming. Once the elite few are invited, the rest wait in virtual line, praying for a second chance. Don't forget, accessories are limited! Because who doesn't want to battle over a charging cable? Good luck, gamers!
Texas measles outbreak nears 500 cases as virus spreads among day care kids
Acidly: In Lubbock, Texas, Tiny Tots U Learning Academy is the proud host of a measles outbreak. Six unvaccinated kids are now part of the CDC's latest horror story, and health officials are left grasping at straws. With over 480 confirmed cases nationwide, the CDC seems to have misplaced the playbook on how to combat the outbreak. Meanwhile, local clinics are shutting down like the summer ice cream truck, leaving everyone to wonder – can a few doses of vaccine tackle this mess? Spoiler: it's highly doubtful.