Protesters tee off against Trump and Musk in âHands Off!â rallies in Minnesota and across U.S.
Acidly: This Saturday, Americaâs disillusioned citizens put on their protest shoes and took to the streetsâbecause why not? With more than 25,000 in St. Paul alone, they wielded signs that dripped with irony, like âDOGE: Department of Greed and Evil.â Meanwhile, back at his golf club, Trump likely chuckled amidst his fairway fantasies, blissfully ignoring the cries for sanity as he insisted heâd protect Social Security. So, thousands rally, and Trump swingsâsounds about right for democracy, huh?
Palestinian medics say a video of Gaza rescue crews under fire refutes Israeli claims
Acidly: In a classic case of "oops, we did it again," Israeli troops are backpedaling after claiming they gunned down 15 rescue workers because they were "suspicious." Enter the Palestine Red Crescent with video proof: flashing emergency lights and medics calling home as bullets fly. Who knew saving lives could get you a ticket to a mass grave? Meanwhile, an anonymous Israeli official staunchly defends the militaryâs actions, insisting their errors will be "thoroughly examined." Because nothing says accountability like burying the evidence.
Stabbing deaths of 2 college students spark outrage in Italy: "Another young woman, another life cut short"
Acidly: Italy's femicide horror continues, with two young women, Ilaria Sula and Sara Campanella, brutally murdered by their exes. Sula's body was discovered stuffed in a suitcase, while Campanella was stabbed in broad daylightâa real-life horror show. Activists demand a "cultural revolution," but letâs face it, a government more concerned with penning laws than changing ingrained misogyny isn't exactly a beacon of progress. Meanwhile, politicians are busy playing the immigration blame game. Classic Italy.
The Good Ol'Ads
Florida star Clayton drops 34, closes out Auburn
Acidly: In a classic showdown of "who cares," Florida's Walter Clayton Jr. turned the Final Four into his own personal highlight reel, scoring 34 points to bury Auburn's dreams yet again. Down nine, Florida magically remembered how to play basketball, thanks to Clayton's "impressive" calmness â the guy never met a moment he couldn't turn into a dramatic comeback. With the Gators swaggering into their first national title since 2007, itâs clear: they have a superstar, and Auburn has... well, no one. Tough luck, Tigers.
âA Minecraft Movieâ On Building Spree As It Heads To $260M+ Worldwide Bow â International Box Office
Acidly: In a stunning turn of events, the A Minecraft Movie is set to rake in over $260 million this weekendâbecause clearly the world needed more pixelated blockheads. With Jason Momoa and Jack Black leading the charge, it opened to jaw-dropping figures, even in Chinaâa feat that must have local audiences somehow feeling nostalgic for their gaming infancies. While the rest of the world is busy with actual problems, you can bet the box office is partying like itâs 2010. Enjoy the ride, folks; mediocrity is the new black!
Fram2 astronaut mission's West Coast splashdown opens new era for SpaceX
Acidly: SpaceX finally decided the West Coast spoon-fed them the "best coast" title for Dragon landings. After a decade of dousing their capsules off Florida, they had a "genius" epiphany: Why not dunk them in the Pacific? The last scraps of space junk were crashing down where they shouldnât, endangering the local wildlifeâshocking, right? With the shiny new splashdown strategy in place, we can expect every return from the cosmos to water log Southern California. Just what they need: more junk in their ocean.
The Good Ol'Ads
Automakers seek âopportunity in the chaosâ of Trumpâs tariffs
Acidly: Ford, in a desperate bid to salvage its dwindling profit margins before Trumpâs tariffs crush them, launched an employee pricing scheme called "From America, For America." Nice ring, right? Theyâre practically giving cars away while trying to attract terrified consumers worried about rising prices. Apparently, anxiety is great for salesâwho knew? Other automakers are hopping on the âpanic pricingâ bandwagon too. So, yes, folks, rush in and grab your depreciating asset before the economy tanksâit's a patriotic buy!
How the Nintendo Switch 2 delay explains Trumpâs tariffs
Acidly: In an absurd twist, Trump decided to hurl a blue shell at Nintendo, simultaneously catapulting the global economy into chaos. Picture it: a washed-up president playing Mario Kart while the world teeters on the brink. "Take that, capitalism!" he seems to declare, proving once again that heâs as out of touch as your great aunt at a rave. Forget inflation; let's just invest in video game power-ups. Stay tuned as he attempts to sue the green pipes for emotional distress. What a time to be alive!
As Measles Spreads, Some Doctors Are Seeing the Virus for the First Time
Acidly: Surprise! Measles didnât vanish; it just went on vacation while doctors were busy scrolling through Instagram. Dr. Myrick (never seen a case) just treated 20 folks with the virus as Texas leads the way in a measles renaissance. Apparently, pandemic fatigue isn't just for the masses. Babies are being misdiagnosed, so good luck to those relying on doctors fresh off textbook training. As CDC counts spike, even seasoned pros are breaking out the old photosâbetter late than never, right? Warning: highly contagious ignorance ahead!