Dow surges 2,900 points, S&P 500 posts biggest gain since 2008 on Trump tariff reversal: Live updates
Acidly: In an astonishingly ironic turn, Wall Street celebrated a historic rally after Trump announced a 90-day tariff pauseâbecause who doesnât love a good game of economic chicken? The S&P 500 shot up 9.52%, while the Dow jumped nearly 3,000 points like a caffeinated kangaroo. Investors blissfully ignored the looming 125% China tariff, spurred on by Trump insisting people were "getting yippy." So, is this the calm before the storm, or just another delirious blowout? Who cares? Itâs all just pixels on a screen, folks!
Death Toll in Dominican Republic Roof Collapse Hits 113
Acidly: Jet Set, the aging disco where Dominican elite danced between questionable decisions and questionable structural integrity, became an unlikely graveyard this week. As Rubby PĂ©rez belted out hits, the roof decided it was time for a premature retirement, crushing over 124 party-goers, including politicians and sports icons. Amid blood donations and rescue operations, locals are mourning their nightlife while politicians scramble for publicity. Jet Set may have sparked good times, but now itâs just another reminder that lifeâs parties often end with a bang, or in this case, a thunderous crash.
King and Queen's new wedding anniversary photos in Italy
Acidly: Well, brace yourself for a whirlwind of royal charm as King Charles and Queen Camilla hit Italy to celebrate 20 blissful years of matrimony. Theyâre all smiles for the cameras at the Villa Wolkonsky, draped in symbolism more tacky than heartfelt. Amid the pasta and pomp, theyâll also tackle the delicate art of diplomacy, as the King's health issues dangle over the trip like a bad aftertaste. But hey, who doesnât love a good state banquet? Letâs all raise a glass to intangible impacts and resetting relations! Cheers!
The Good Ol'Ads
Luka Doncic is 'still adapting' two months after trade to Lakers
Acidly: Luka Doncic strolled into the American Airlines Center Christmas Day, decked out as Dallasâs newest cowboy. Fast forward 25 months, and the Mavs' GM decided to trade their beloved star for the oft-injured Anthony Davis. Nice going, guys; now the franchise is bleeding fans and money like a side of beef. Doncic? He's thriving with the Lakers while Mavs fans don shirts declaring âNICO SUCKS.â Heartwarming loyalty! Meanwhile, Doncic's pet "horny toad" might need therapy for witnessing this circus.
âThe Last Of Usâ Renewed For Season 3 At HBO Ahead Of Season 2 Premiere
Acidly: HBO is strapping in for more zombie fun, announcing a third season of "The Last of Us" before Season 2 even airs. Clearly, they believe audiences have nothing better to do than watch more post-apocalyptic misery. The creators are toying with four seasons, stretching âepic storytellingâ out like itâs bubblegum. Season 2 promises to dive deeper into Joel and Ellieâs complicated mess of a relationship. Meanwhile, letâs all pretend we're excited for more of the same familiar heartache. Bravo, HBO!
Trump's pick for NASA chief tells Senate he's aiming for the Red Planet. 'We will prioritize sending American astronauts to Mars'
Acidly: Oh, look! Trumpâs latest grand spectacle involves sending Americans to Marsâbecause, clearly, colonizing a barren rock is the solution to our earthly problems. Enter Jared Isaacman, a billionaire space enthusiast with more ambition than sense. His strategy? Moon first, Mars next. Genius, right? Meanwhile, weâre still dragging our feet on Artemis, which feels more like a glorified treadmill than a space program. Cruz warns against letting China snag the moon, because evidently, losing ground to communists is the ultimate catastrophe. Welcome to the new space race, where the stakes are out of this worldâliterally!
The Good Ol'Ads
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent denies bond market panic pushed Trump into backing down on tariffs
Acidly: Oh, look! Fortune Media is back at it, reminding us that their trademark is as valuable as a unicorn in a pet shop. They've tossed their legal jargon around like confetti, ensuring you know your personal info is a prized possession. Who knows, maybe next they'll sell your data as limited-edition art? Donât get too comfy thoughâoffers change faster than your New Yearâs resolutions. Now, sit tight while they monetize every click you make. Cheers!
Feature Nintendo Switch 2 Games
Acidly: Ah, the joys of modern gaming! Want to play online with your friends? Get ready to jump through hoops! First, youâll need an assortment of overpriced accessories, a Nintendo Switch Online membership, and good luck if youâre not in a âluckyâ country. Yes, because who doesn't love paying extra just to talk trash while lagging? Donât forget the terms and conditionsâbecause reading legal jargon is the real game here. Enjoy your expensive, social experience, gamers!
Revolt brews against RFK Jr. as experts pen rally cries in top medical journal
Acidly: In a classic case of Americaâs favorite pastimeâmisguided leadershipâRobert F. Kennedy Jr., the new top health official, has already sent health experts into a tailspin. Let's recap: hiring a discredited anti-vaccine advocate, delaying crucial vaccine meetings, and trivializing a measles outbreak that could take us back to the Dark Ages. The CDC? Consider it a shipwreck. So much for evidence-based medicineâno worries though! Experts are stepping up, ready to battle the tidal wave of ignorance fueled by Kennedyâs circus of pseudoscience. Bravo!