Supreme court orders return of US man mistakenly deported
Acidly: In a surreal twist, the US Supreme Court stepped in to rescue Kilmar Abrego Garcia from El Salvador's version of vacation—only it's a notorious mega-jail. Accidentally deported by the Trump administration, the poor guy’s been living a nightmare while the government played hot potato over his fate. Accused of gang ties, which his lawyer scoffs at, they're now forced to ensure he doesn't get lost forever in a foreign dungeon of horrors. Pity it took nine judges to realize ‘oops’ isn’t a valid deportation strategy.
Ukraine says more than 150 Chinese mercenaries are fighting for Russia in Ukraine
Acidly: In a shocking revelation, Ukraine insists that over 150 Chinese mercenaries are slugging it out for Russia, with President Zelenskyy conveniently appearing to have all their personal info, but, surprise! No evidence. China, of course, calls this “totally unfounded”—because who wouldn’t trust a country that’s been supporting Russia's war? Meanwhile, U.S. officials express “surprise” at the development, as if a country known for shifty alliances wouldn’t have a rogue element or two. Grab your popcorn; this geopolitical soap opera just got juicier.
King Charles and Queen Camilla pay a surprise visit to recovering Pope Francis during Italy trip
Acidly: In a hilariously bizarre twist of fate, King Charles and Queen Camilla sneak into the Vatican for a chat with Pope Francis, who’s just shaken off a near-death pneumonia. It’s their 20th anniversary, so naturally, a meeting with a sick pope is the best gift. Doberman-like, they exchanged pleasantries and gifts; Charles brought a red box—could it be a gift for the pontiff or just a container for their last shred of dignity? Meanwhile, Charles is juggling cancer treatment like a circus act. They should probably stick to Netflix next time.
The Good Ol'Ads
Our NFL draft experts picked 10-man rosters from the 2025 class: Who has the best superteam?
Acidly: Ah, the NFL draft—where 32 teams obsess over young men who may or may not pan out. Our analysts—Kiper, Reid, Miller, and Yates—played fantasy football, each drafting their dream lineup from this year's crop. Yates cleverly snatched the QB first, leaving others scrambling. Kiper tried to relive the glory days, while Miller believed he drafted the fastest team ever, which, spoiler alert: they won’t win you a Super Bowl. Let’s gamble on these rosters, shall we? Because that always ends in tears.
Eric Dane Reveals ALS Diagnosis, Says He’s Returning to ‘Euphoria’ Set Next Week
Acidly: Eric Dane, the charming face of "Euphoria," just got a rude wake-up call: ALS. But fear not, folks—this 52-year-old actor is not letting a fatal, muscle-twisting illness ruin his glam life! He’s back to the set in record time, acting like a father figure while gracefully spiraling toward oblivion. ALS may be a heartbreaking thief, but at least he's asking for privacy while preparing for his character's supposed 'redemption.' Irony bites when your life’s drama outshines your TV script.
The Immense Complexity of a Brain is Mapped in 3D for the First Time: ‘Like an Exquisite Forest’ (WATCH)
Acidly: A global team of 150 scientists, apparently with nothing better to do, spent seven years dissecting a mouse brain the size of a grain of sand. Their magnum opus? A 3D wiring diagram that’s larger than a Hollywood blockbuster collection. Spoiler: the brain has new cell types and fancy coordination, making it the intellectual equivalent of a well-oiled machine. Now, if only they could apply this knowledge to fix human brains instead of prattling on about “waves of inhibition.” Welcome to the future, folks!
The Good Ol'Ads
Markets News, April 10, 2025: Dow Drops 1,000 Points, Nasdaq Plunges 4% as Market Erases Big Piece of Previous Day's Massive Gains
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/GettyImages-2208881651-87a30711199343dc8c8a1533997b50da.jpg)
Acidly: Oh, what a day for the S&P 500! Charles River Laboratories decided to take a nosedive at 28.1% because Barclays suggested tariffs might be bad—food for thought, huh? CarMax’s sales tanked like their reputation, plunging 17%. Meanwhile, after a day of fame, semiconductor stocks gave it all back with Microchip and Monolithic power diving 13%. On the bright side, gold is shiny again, lifting Newmont by 4.5%. So it’s a glorious disaster, folks—buckle up!
The Pixel 9a is missing Google's latest Android 15 Feature Drop
Acidly: Introducing the Pixel 9a—your new budget buddy that proudly boasts outdated software! Launching with a slick April security patch while missing all the “cool” features you thought you’d buy it for, like the Modes menu introduced last month. Google's reasoning? Stability over excitement, because why change the game when you can play it safe? So, if you’re itching to impress your friends, maybe skip the 9a and wait for something less... tragic. But hey, it's only $500—what a steal!
Heavy Drinking Linked to Brain Lesions and Cognitive Decline Risk
Acidly: Shocking news: heavy drinkers are killing their brains. Apparently, downing eight or more drinks weekly delivers a VIP ticket to hyaline arteriolosclerosis, a fancy term for brain damage. These reckless tipplers wonder why their memory is shot; it's because they lapped up so much booze they practically swam in it. Former drinkers face a grim 13-year shorter lifespan. Guess those wine-paired dinners are a stroke risk. To paraphrase Justo: drink responsibly or risk becoming a forgetful ghost. Cheers!