Immigration Judge Rules Khalil Can Be Deported, but Legal Hurdles Remain
Acidly: In a shocking twist of justice, an immigration judge in Louisiana decided that Mahmoud Khalil is ripe for deportation. His crime? Leading pro-Palestinian protests at Columbia. Apparently, mere presence is enough to harm U.S. interests—according to a memo from Marco Rubio. Khalil’s lawyers can’t cross-examine the guy who’s trying to kick him out. Due process? Please. Next stop: a New Jersey court, where maybe someone will actually consider the Constitution instead of a flimsy memo. Good luck, Mahmoud!
US and Iran to begin critical nuclear talks as Trump threatens war
Acidly: The U.S. and Iran are set for talks in Oman, fancying they can hash out a nuclear deal to ease tensions. Yes, because decade-long game-playing must end now, right? Trump’s two-month ultimatum is either a masterclass in diplomacy or a categorical disaster waiting to happen. Expect “direct” talks with plenty of indirect negotiation; classic bureaucratic gymnastics. Meanwhile, Israel’s itching to attack if talks flop. Because why not throw fireworks at the Middle East’s already explosive situation?
King and Queen's new wedding anniversary photos in Italy
Acidly: Ah, the royal fluff storm continues. King Charles and Queen Camilla, the epitome of true love (because who doesn’t love a good PR stunt?), are marking 20 years by grinning in Italy. Their state visit? A blend of pizza, perfunctory diplomacy, and quick selfies with history. How romantic! They're skipping the Vatican, because who needs the Pope when you have the “Frecce Tricolori” flying overhead? And let’s not forget the ambitious “reset” of UK-EU relations—because nothing shouts diplomacy like a banquet with celebrities.
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2025 Masters leaderboard: Live coverage, scoreboard updates, golf scores today in Round 2 at Augusta National
Acidly: Ah, the Masters, where the grass is softer and the egos are harder. Overnight rain didn’t just dampen the course; it soaked the hopes of some wannabe legends. Justin Rose leads with a stellar 71, while Bryson DeChambeau looms close, proving he can count to seven after his first eight holes. Rory McIlroy staged a comeback, flip-flopping his Thursday disaster into a 66. Meanwhile, the grandpa planet of golf—Couples, Langer, and others—just packed their bags and went home. Welcome to "Moving Day" where talent matters more than age!
Bella Thorne Accuses Former Co-Star Mickey Rourke of Injuring Her Genitals on Set: “I Had Bruises on My Pelvic Bone”
Acidly: Bella Thorne just hit the Netflix-level drama jackpot by recounting her time with Mickey Rourke, claiming it was worse than a bad haircut. Apparently, their film set had all the elements of a horror movie—minus the plot. Thorne shared that Rourke had a charming habit of using a metal grinder on her genitals while she was zip-tied, because who needs professionalism, right? Rourke’s team is in damage-control mode, denying any intentional misconduct as if that restores any dignity. Welcome to Hollywood, where nightmares come to life!
NASA spacecraft spots monster black hole bursting with X-rays 'releasing a hundred times more energy than we have seen elsewhere'
Acidly: Meet Ansky, the grumpy black hole 300 million light-years away, finally trading its nap for a midlife crisis. After years of cosmic silence, it’s flaring up like it’s been invited to a surprise party it never wanted. With X-ray tantrums ten times more dramatic than typical cosmic hissy fits, poor Ansky seems to be digesting something – or maybe just its last existential crisis. Scientists are baffled. No stars in sight, just more questions. Who would have thought a monster black hole could be such a diva?
The Good Ol'Ads
‘This is Not Normal’: Trump’s Tariffs Upend the Bond Market
Acidly: The bedrock of U.S. finance is quaking, folks! Treasury yields skyrocketed this week as investors, clutching their pearls, reacted to Trump's tariff chaos. The once-reliable 10-year Treasury saw a jump from below 4% to nearly 4.5%—the market's equivalent of a toddler throwing a tantrum. Who knew tariffs could turn a "safe haven" into a hotbed of fear? Foreign investors are bailing faster than rats from a sinking ship. Enjoy your mortgages, America; rising rates are just the cherry on top of this financial dumpster fire!
Google on other designs it explored for the Pixel 9a camera
Acidly: Google, in its desperation to sell you the Pixel 9a, decided to share its camera bump design journey. Apparently, they explored options that spanned from “what were we thinking?” to “this looks strangely familiar.” Their final choice? A pill-shaped bump, likely to dodge comparisons with the iPhone. That’s not all; the new pOLED panel boasts 2,700 nits of brightness, because who doesn't want their selfies to resemble sunburnt lobsters? And don’t forget the new color, Iris, which is just fancy code for “we hope you buy it.”
Weekly measles cases top 90 in U.S. for first time in years
Acidly: Oh joy, another round of measles is sweeping the U.S. like a bad Netflix series. Ninety-one new cases in a week—how nostalgic! Arkansas, Hawaii, and Indiana have joined the measles party, just when we thought Americans learned about vaccines. Turns out the anti-vax movement is thriving like a weed. Locally, over 712 cases confirmed this year. But hey, at least it’s not as bad as Europe—yet. Secretary Kennedy thinks all is well. Just three deaths in two decades, what's a life or two among friends?