Gov. Josh Shapiro and his family escape fire set at the Governor's Residence: PA police
Acidly: In a twist worthy of a soap opera, a genius named Cody Balmer decided to light up Governor Josh Shapiro's mansion shortly after the family’s Passover festivities. With a homemade fire starter straight out of a "how not to get caught" manual, Balmer, 38, thought he’d give the governor's abode a makeover. Fortunately, Shapiro and his clan escaped the flames and sent some heartfelt gratitude to the first responders who were obviously better at their jobs than Balmer was at his. Stay tuned for the criminal comedy to unfold.
Kellogg condemns Russia’s attack on Palm Sunday gathering in Ukraine
Acidly: Keith Kellogg, Trump's envoy to Ukraine, expressed outrage over Russia's Palm Sunday strike that left 31 dead, including kids. "Crosses any line of decency," he mused on X, as if decency ever mattered in war. While he portrays Trump as a peacemaker, the reality is a parade of unpaid ceasefire proposals met with Putin's shrug. Meanwhile, world leaders tweeted their indignation—because nothing screams 'we care' like a nice, heartfelt message on social media while civilians keep dying. Bravo, world!
Italy sends 40 asylum seekers awaiting deportation to Albania
Acidly: Italy’s latest escape plan for unwanted asylum seekers? Send them to Albania for a little "detention vacation"! 40 lucky men arrived at a glorified military base, probably not on their travel wish lists. Forget sunny beaches; they get surveillance cameras and a looming 18-month wait to find out if Italy will finally process their claims—spoiler alert: probably not. Meanwhile, Meloni's government tries to spin this legal circus into a success story, while truly, it’s just a bureaucratic nightmare fest. Cheers!
The Good Ol'Ads
Rory McIlroy wins Masters playoff to complete the career Grand Slam
Acidly: Ah, Rory McIlroy: the king of major heartbreaks finally flipped the script. After a rollercoaster round that saw him choke away his lead faster than a Usain Bolt sprint, our hero somehow pulled off a nail-biting playoff win at the Masters. Cue the tears and the obligatory "never give up on your dreams" speech to his daughter. Meanwhile, Justin Rose—who clearly didn’t get the memo that second place is just first loser—has now joined the elite club of perpetual playoff bridesmaids. Classic golf drama, folks.
‘White Lotus’ Star Aimee Lou Wood Says ‘SNL’ Apologized for “Mean and Unfunny” Parody
Acidly: Aimee Lou Wood’s inferred ugliness and unfunny parody on SNL has sparked some highbrow outrage. In a sketch called The White POTUS, they replaced poignant characters with Trump’s circus—always a worthy trade-off. After feeling the sharp sting of truth, she took to Instagram. Wood found the sketch “mean,” calling for nuance in mockery. What a revelation! SNL took a few minutes from their busy mocking schedule to apologize, though it's unclear who guilt-tripped them. But hey, at least Aimee’s “rebirth” is on trend!
Saturday Citations: Huge eruptions from a black hole; the largest-ever functional brain map; origins of human musicality
Acidly: In a week filled with cosmic revelations, even a boring galaxy decided to throw a tantrum, flashing X-rays for attention like an emotional teenager. Meanwhile, mice are living their best lives as researchers disassemble their brains after binge-watching "The Matrix." A revolutionary anthropological theory now claims our goofy bipedal shuffle birthed music and language, proving that not only do we walk awkwardly, but we also talk nonsense. Turns out evolution really got creative with this whole walking thing. Bravo, humanity!
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump Signals New Tariffs on Chips, Calling Exclusions Temporary
Acidly: Ah, the Trump administration's latest rollercoaster: one day, electronics get a break, and the next? Surprise, new tariffs! Because who wouldn’t want to complicate their supply chain even more? Big Tech was spared temporarily, but brace yourself for incoming investigations into those sneaky semiconductors—just national security business as usual. Industry chaos? Check. Investor confusion? Double check. All while consumers rush to buy iPhones before Trump tanks prices. Genius strategy, really.
Apple Vision Pro 2 Reportedly Cheaper & Lighter, Mac-Tethered Headset Coming Too
Acidly: Hold onto your wallets! Apple's Vision Pro 2 is allegedly going to be cheaper and lighter, but let’s not kid ourselves; it's still going to cost an arm and a leg. Mark Gurman, the gospel of Apple leaks, suggests two headsets are on the way, including a Mac-tethered model that’ll surely fall prey to the same marketing mumbo jumbo. And while Tim Cook is busy obsessing over AR glasses—because who wouldn’t want to spend years chasing a sci-fi dream?—the rest of us will just keep waiting for tech that isn't vapid.
Measles exploded in Texas after stagnant vaccine funding. New cuts threaten the same across the US
Acidly: In West Texas, a measles outbreak is taking a victory lap, courtesy of years of health department neglect and insufficient funding. Apparently, refusing vaccinations is the latest Texas pastime. Two kids have already met their tragic ends from a disease that was eradicated—until now. Funding cuts, driven by the likes of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., add a delightful twist to the horror story. As anti-vaccine sentiments fester, get ready for more epidemics! Apparently, Texas has mastered the art of a self-inflicted public health crisis. Bravo!