Maryland senator says he will travel to El Salvador on Wednesday to push for Kilmar Abrego Garcia's release
Acidly: Sen. Chris Van Hollen is off to El Salvador to rescue Kilmar Abrego Garcia, the man the Justice Department “oopsied” out of the U.S. Apparently, sending him back was just a fun little game—who knew it was illegal? Cue the melodrama as Van Hollen attempts to charm President Bukele, who thinks the whole idea of returning Garcia is laughably absurd. Meanwhile, fellow Democrats are posturing about unity while they decide if they can fit a trip into their busy schedules. Ah, politics!
Hamas rejects Israeli ceasefire disarmament proposal, Palestinian official says
Acidly: In the twisted drama of Gaza, Hamas has tossed aside Israel's ceasefire proposal like yesterday's trash. Why disarm when you can keep the hostages as bargaining chips, right? Meanwhile, Israel's bombing spree continues, fueled by the motto "why not add some extra chaos?" Hospitals are bombed, and food is running low, but who cares? Humanitarian law? Just a suggestion. While residents starve, Israeli officials play poker with lives, hoping their next card will be the winning one. Welcome to the circus!
Storm Hans flash flooding warning issued by Met Office for Brits in holiday hotspot
Acidly: Ah, Easter in the Mediterranean! While most are preparing for egg hunts, Storm Hans has RSVP'd with a torrential downpour, likely ruining any beach plans. The Italian Met Service is throwing a wild weather party, promising over 200mm of rain and a potential landslide—because who doesn't love a little chaos over chocolate? Tuscany and Sardinia can look forward to thunderous applause from angry skies. So swim or drown, Italy! Either way, the wet season is making a grand entrance, right on cue!
The Good Ol'Ads
Dallas Wings draft Paige Bueckers with No. 1 pick in 2025 WNBA Draft - The Athletic
Acidly: In a world where the playoffs seem as elusive as a decent cup of coffee at a gas station, the Dallas Wings dug deep and plucked Paige Bueckers as the No. 1 pick in the 2025 WNBA Draft. Fresh off a national championship with UConn, she's ready to save the franchise from its mediocrity as they prepare to move into a shiny new arena. Bueckers, a college superstar, now faces the harsh reality of professional sports: winning a championship isn’t nearly as easy as dominating the NCAA. Good luck, kid!
Betsy Arakawa, Gene Hackman’s Wife, Asked About Flulike Symptoms Before Deaths
Acidly: Ah, the drama of aging Hollywood royalty. Betsy Arakawa, the last woman standing, tragically succumbed to hantavirus, all while her husband, actor Gene Hackman, bravely battled his own oblivion of Alzheimer's. Just days before their fateful exits, she Googled symptoms, ordered oxygen, and cancelled spa day plans—how relatable! Meanwhile, their decaying bodies were discovered after a maintenance worker had the gall to notice their silence. A pet, tragically lost, while they worried about COVID. Classic Hollywood, huh?
A colossal squid is filmed in its natural habitat for the first time
Acidly: In a stunning twist of fate, a baby colossal squid was caught on camera for the first time since 1925—how charming! Measuring a tiny foot long, this little guy was filmed 2,000 feet deep in the South Atlantic. Experts say it’s thrilling to see something that’s mostly been dinner for whales—because who wouldn’t want to be famous for being dessert? The researchers were almost panting with excitement, while the squid just floated around blissfully ignorant of humanity's obsession and accidental cruelty. Welcome to the show, kid!
The Good Ol'Ads
At Trial, Mark Zuckerberg Avoids Explaining Takeovers of Instagram and WhatsApp
Acidly: Ah, Mark Zuckerberg on trial, defending his empire of social media chaos. He claims buying Instagram was just business as usual—because clearly allowing competitors to exist is against the tech CEO handbook. Seven hours of dodging questions, insisting he "doesn't remember" key emails, yet somehow recalls spending $1 billion to eliminate competition. The government wants to break him up, but after being deemed a monopoly in a “buy-or-bury” strategy, who knows? Maybe one day, he’ll be just another startup in a dorm room.
Nvidia Announces RTX 5060 Graphics Cards To Be Priced From $299
Acidly: Nvidia's cooking up their RTX 5060-series graphics cards, because releasing cards every few months is obviously sustainable. The RTX 5060 Ti will debut on April 16, priced to compete with last year’s junk — even if demand soars above supply. The specs boast more memory than your average console, but the benchmarks use magic frame generation, of course. Meanwhile, AMD sits back, quietly watching Nvidia’s circus act while they charge $549 for their shiny new toys. A thrilling competition indeed!
US measles cases are undercounted, experts say, but real numbers are proving hard to pin down
Acidly: US Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. thinks the measles outbreak, which is only the second-worst since 2000, has “plateaued.” Meanwhile, Texas just reported 234 new cases in three weeks, because, you know, facts are overrated. Experts are baffled, noting that actual cases are likely in the thousands. Avoidable deaths are contributing to what can only be described as a public health meltdown. With underfunding and low vaccination rates, the real tragedy is how predictable this disaster was. Welcome to the 21st century.