Kilmar Ábrego García: Deported Salvadoran will never live back in US, says White House
Acidly: A man wrongly deported to an El Salvador mega-prison will apparently never return to the US, according to the White House. Kilmar Ábrego García, accused of being an MS-13 gang member and a "woman beater," is caught in a legal quagmire. Courts say he deserves to come back, but the administration, not wanting a pesky repeat offender, says “no way, José.” Meanwhile, a senator’s attempts for a chat with García are thwarted, because apparently prisons aren’t for talking—only for selfies, right?
Island-wide blackout hits Puerto Rico as residents prepare for Easter weekend
Acidly: Just in time for Easter, Puerto Rico decided to throw an island-wide blackout party. What better way to celebrate the resurrection than with no power for 1.4 million residents? With half the island without water and tourists clinging to their generators, locals expressed their “outrage” while sitting in pitch black. “Unacceptable,” grumbled the so-called energy czar, adding fuel to the fire of years of mismanagement. Just another stroll down blackout lane—where hope comes with a side of smoke and angst. Happy Easter!
He moved from California to rural Italy because he ‘didn’t want to be anywhere near a McDonald’s or Starbucks’
Acidly: Keith Richardson's dream was simple: escape America’s fast-food chains and soak in Italy's "dolce vita." After sleuthing online for homes, he settled on Nardò, a sleepy Puglian town devoid of golden arches and tall green mermaids. He snagged a two-bed Sardine can for a cool €100k, practically a steal compared to SoCal prices. Naturally, he adores the local vibe—especially the charming “look but don’t touch” attitude of residents. Who needs a car when you can hop on an e-bike and whisper sweet nothings to your olive grove?
The Good Ol'Ads
NBA: Refs made 4 errors late in Grizz-Warriors
Acidly: In a thrilling display of officiating incompetence, the NBA's "Last Two Minute Report" revealed a gem: Golden State's 121-116 play-in victory was marred by not one, but two blunders in the final 37 seconds. They called a foul on Podziemski for a block—because who doesn't love gift-wrapping free throws? And oh, then switched possession with a phantom out-of-bounds call against Curry. Shocking, right? Meanwhile, Draymond's inevitable sixth foul was overlooked until it wasn't. Bravo, refs! Here’s to incompetence as an art form.
Michelle Trachtenberg's Official Cause of Death Revealed After 'Gossip Girl' Star Died at 39
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Acidly: In yet another tragic twist in a world obsessed with superficiality, Michelle Trachtenberg tragically succumbed to diabetes complications, confirmed by NYC's Chief Medical Examiner. Her family opted out of an autopsy, leaving some to speculate. Just two months prior, she was found lifeless, her struggle with health and societal expectations barely acknowledged. Former co-stars mourn her with tearful tributes, proving that once the spotlight dims, it’s easier to remember the glitz than the grit. How touching.
Astronomers Detect a Possible Signature of Life on a Distant Planet
Acidly: Scientists are worked up over a potential sign of life on K2-18b, a planet 120 light-years away. They found dimethyl sulfide, an organic compound, hinting at life in its warm oceans. But don’t get too excited—it's still just a "hint," and skeptics are ready to rain on the alien parade. Remember, until we see an extraterrestrial waving from the wet shores, we’re left with more questions than answers. Meanwhile, the U.S. budget cuts threaten to send the search for life back into the dark ages. How thrilling!
The Good Ol'Ads
Nvidia says it follows export laws 'to the letter' a day after AI chip sales to China stopped
Acidly: Nvidia, ever the obedient child, claims it's playing by the rules after racking up $5.5 billion in costs from canceled H20 chip orders due to new export restrictions to China. They say, “We follow the government's directions to the letter,” because following orders worked so well in high school. Meanwhile, stock prices plummet and a congressional committee investigates. Ah, nothing like a government-approved chip sale to melt away national security worries—unless you’re trying to sell to China. Good luck with that!
Gemini Live’s screensharing feature is now free for Android users
Acidly: Google's feeling generous! In a shocking twist, the wannabe overlords of Silicon Valley decided to give away their fancy Gemini Live feature for free to all Android users. Previously limited to Pixel 9 and Galaxy S25 folks (who, let’s be honest, probably needed the extra help), it can now analyze your surroundings without charging you a dime. Meanwhile, Microsoft chimes in with their Copilot Vision. Great! More apps invading our privacy – just what we needed! Grab your popcorn; this tech circus never ends.
CDC considers narrowing its Covid-19 vaccine recommendations
Acidly: The CDC is having a midlife crisis over Covid vaccines, thinking maybe annual shots aren't necessary for healthy folks—shocking! Unlike civilized countries that don’t keep shoving needles into the young, the US might finally aim for a smarter, risk-based recommendation. But good luck with communication; Americans can barely sort their recycling. Sure, it’s complicated, but who doesn’t love a challenge? Meanwhile, Covid is casually knocking off 40,000 people annually, so no worries—what could possibly go wrong?