US senator returns from El Salvador trip, says Abrego Garcia case is about far more than one man
Acidly: Senator Chris Van Hollen returned from his heart-wrenching diplomatic mission to El Salvador, and surprise! No clarity or redemption for Kilmar Abrego Garcia. Trump’s administration blatantly defied the Supreme Court while wrapping themselves in a patriotic blanket of chaos. Meanwhile, Abrego Garcia enjoys "better conditions" in a prison—not that anyone’s really keeping tabs. Democrats are flapping their gums while Republicans double down on the “he’s a gang member” defense. So, here's to a governmental circus where justice took a permanent vacation!
U.S. Strikes on Yemeni Port Kill Dozens, Houthis Say
Acidly: In the latest display of American diplomacy, U.S. airstrikes turned a port in Yemen into a graveyard, killing at least 74. Talk about efficiency! The Houthis, who fire love letters in the form of rockets at Israel, are somehow the villains here. Of course, destroying a major fuel depot won’t complicate humanitarian conditions already deemed the world’s worst. It’s almost charming how the U.S. claims this strike zeroes in on terrorists, while the locals mourn. Grief is such an inconvenience, isn’t it?
British woman killed in Naples cable car crash named as Margaret Winn
Acidly: In yet another display of “great” engineering, a cable car near Naples crashed, resulting in four deaths, including British woman Margaret Elaine Winn. The cable operator, patting itself on the back for a recent safety inspection, now finds itself facing a criminal investigation—shocking, I know! As authorities scramble to figure out why the downstream brake worked but the cabin's didn’t, we’re left wondering how many clearances it takes to become a death trap. Meanwhile, the mayor offers his “expert” opinion. Cheers to progress!
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Trade candidates who could impact first round of NFL Draft: Micah Parsons, Trey Hendrickson set tone
Acidly: Oh, look, it’s that time of year again where NFL teams engage in a high-stakes game of “who wants to trade the most mediocre players.” Who’s waiting on contract extensions like it's a bad Tinder date? Veterans like Aaron Rodgers and Jalen Ramsey are still hopping on the trade carousel, while the draft is just days away, and fans are... not exactly thrilled about a lackluster prospect pool. As teams scramble for a glimmer of hope in a sea of underwhelming talent, suspense hangs in the air—way to crank up that absolutely thrilling drama, guys!
Box Office: Ryan Coogler’s ‘Sinners’ Bites Off Big $4.7M in Previews
Acidly: Ryan Coogler’s "Sinners" debuted with a lavish $4.7 million on Thursday, dancing with "Minecraft" in a cinematic cage match. With a $90 million budget looming, hopes soar around an R-rated vampire romp starring Michael B. Jordan—who, let's be real, could read the phone book and still be attractive. Tracking services predict up to $50 million opening, but who are we kidding? The real winner is "Minecraft," raking in over $600 million and proving video game adaptations aren't just a joke—they're a cash grab. Welcome to Hollywood.
Rover finds hints of an ancient Martian carbon cycle
Acidly: Mars, once a cozy little retreat with lakes and rivers, has turned into a barren wasteland, all due to its less-than-stellar carbon management. Researchers, baffled for 30 years, finally found some carbon buried deep in rocks thanks to Curiosity, the rover that’s more productive than most humans. Turns out, Mars’ ancient atmosphere was as thick as grandma’s secret sauce, yet somehow still left the planet freezing. The mystery continues, but let’s face it: Mars is just the universe’s sad, lonely desert.
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Trump wants Powell out of the Fed. Waiting in the wings is Kevin Warsh
Acidly: Trump’s latest tantrum? A not-so-subtle threat to toss Fed Chair Powell out. Apparently, he thinks he's got the power to swipe the keys to the Fed—news flash, he doesn't. His crush on Kevin Warsh, a guy with a less-than-stellar economic resume, is unmistakable. Warsh once oversaw Lehman Brothers' spectacular collapse and now critiques the Fed from a comfy think tank. Sure, let’s bring in another Wall Street Wallflower to “fix” our economy. What could possibly go wrong?
GameStop, Target, and Walmart announce when their Switch 2 preorders start
Acidly: Oh, joy! Nintendo announces that you can throw your money at the Switch 2 preorders starting April 24. GameStop will graciously open its doors early, while Target and Walmart jump on the bandwagon at midnight. Expect supplies to vanish faster than your interest in reality. Oh, and don’t forget to shell out $449.99 for the privilege—because who doesn’t love price hikes? As for accessories? Just tack on an extra five bucks. Nothing screams “value” like paying more for less. Happy hunting!
US measles infections hit 800 cases across 24 states
Acidly: In a twist worthy of a horror flick, the U.S. is grappling with a measles outbreak that's not just an overzealous Netflix remake but a genuine health crisis—800 confirmed cases and counting. The CDC assures us that outbreaks in Texas, New Mexico, and others have their own flair, mirroring bad soap operas with 88 new cases last week. Shockingly, about 96% of these unfortunate souls are unvaccinated. So, while the measles make a comeback, the concept of common sense apparently just died. Bravo, America!