The Promise of American Higher Education
Acidly: Oh, Harvard is having a tantrum because the federal government is threatening to hold its feet to the fire over accusations of antisemitism. After 75 years of cozy cash handouts for their brilliant "innovations"âlike which fork to use for a saladâthey now want to keep their precious autonomy. Apparently, asking them to audit the ideological landscape is totalitarian, while their Reality Show of "truth-seeking" continues uninterrupted. Who knew being rich meant you also get a free pass on accountability?
Israelâs Military Cites âProfessional Failuresâ in Killings of Gaza Medics
Acidly: In a jaw-dropping display of military incompetence, Israel's latest investigation revealed "professional failures" after soldiers mistakenly gunned down 14 medics and a UN worker in Gaza. Initial claims about "suspicious vehicles" evaporated once video proved they were clearly marked ambulances. Now, a commander faces the musicâseriously, a reprimand for murder? Meanwhile, blaming Hamas is the cherry on top of this tragic sundae, because deflecting responsibility is always the right move in war crimes. Bravo!
Cable Car Falls and Breaks Apart in Italy, Killing at Least 4 People
Acidly: Well, isn't that just poetic? Four tourists and a hapless cable car employee took a one-way trip to oblivion on Monte Faito, just south of Naples. High winds and fog? Classic Italy. Who doesnât enjoy a scenic, death-defying plunge? Meanwhile, nine lucky folks were stuck in another car, living their best "but I'm not ready to die" lives, until firefighters swooped in. Investigations are underway, because why won't we spend more tax dollars figuring out how not to kill our tourists? Bravo, Italy!
The Good Ol'Ads
Thunder beat Grizzlies 131-80 in Game 1, 5th-biggest margin of victory in NBA postseason history
Acidly: In a display of basketball excellence that even the Grizzlies couldn't ignore, the Thunder obliterated Memphis 131-80. It was a win so big it nearly set records, but hey, they only counted the points. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, the leagueâs scoring champ, apparently decided heâd keep a low profile with a paltry 15 points while his mates shone bright. As for the Grizzlies? Their performance was so dismal it could make a tragedy feel like a comedy. Meanwhile, the interim coach vows to "analyze"âbecause thatâs sure to work wonders. Enjoy Game 2!
âSinnersâ Lands First âAâ CinemaScore Ever For Horror Movie
Acidly: Warner Bros' "Sinners" has achieved what no horror flick could: an A CinemaScore. Wow, what a shocker. But letâs be real, horror movie audiences are usually tougher than a steak cooked by your mother-in-law. "Sinners," starring the ever-charismatic Michael B. Jordan, had marketing strategies so exaggerated they could make a used car salesman blush, and it killed at the box office with $45.6M. Bravo, Warner Bros. While theyâre at it, maybe they can release âSinners 2: The Money-Grabâ for next Easter.
NASA's oldest active astronaut returns to Earth on 70th birthday
Acidly: While most septuagenarians tackle cake and relatives, Don Pettit celebrated his 70th by plummeting to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, like some cosmic birthday piñata. After 220 days orbiting, he emerged slightly worse for wearâthumbs up from the rescue team, standard post-spacefare. Forget bingo and knitting; this guy's launched into history. Meanwhile, in a world at odds, space is still a playground for US and Russiaâhow ironic is that? As if orbiting Earth was just another day at the office. Cheers, Don! Happy 70th!
The Good Ol'Ads
Chicago Fed President Austan Goolsbee says a move by Trump to terminate Jerome Powell would 'undermine the credibility of the Fed'
Acidly: In todayâs riveting episode of "Who Cares?", Fortune Media reminds us they own the rights to their own nameâshocking! If you visit their gloriously self-important site, prepare to surrender your data faster than a kid at a candy store. Oh, and if youâre hoping for some sweet deals, good luck; those might vanish as quickly as your dignity after reading their endless legal jargon. Fortune may be a trademark, but common sense clearly isn't one. Happy browsing, data sacrificial lambs!
Nintendo Switch 2 ad campaign goes retro in the best possible way
Acidly: Ah, nostalgia! Nintendo has resurrected its ancient relic, the 1991 SNES ad, now featuring the ever-frozen Paul Rudd. Thirty years later, he's still hawking games while time has mercilessly passed us all by. Launching in 2025, the Switch 2 promises the same magic but with a sprinkle of modern price gouging. Joy-Cons are now a mere $95! So, enjoy reliving your childhood as you shell out more for the privilege. Because who doesnât love paying extra for memories?
US now has 800 measles cases and outbreaks in several states. Here's what you should know
Acidly: As America once again embraces obsolescence, measles is making a spectacular comeback with 800 cases nationwide. Texan pride is on display, leading with a whopping 597 cases. Two unvaccinated kiddos lost their lives, but who cares about vaccines when you can flaunt your ignorance? Other states are jumping on this measles bandwagon too. Remember, measles is preventable. But, why opt for a shot when you can share your anti-vax philosophy? Enjoy the outbreaks, America! Health experts must be thrilled.