Lori Vallow Daybell convicted in Arizona of conspiring to kill her estranged husband in 2019
Acidly: Lori Vallow Daybell, the queen of doomsday delusions, is back in the newsâagain. An Arizona jury just handed her another life sentence for conspiring to murder her estranged husband, all for a measly life insurance payout. This 'pro' chose to represent herself, and shockerâshe flopped. Between her giggles and bizarre bat-chasing claims, itâs clear: she thinks sheâs the main character in her own twisted novel. Well, Lori, the juryâs verdict says otherwise. Better start crafting that next bestseller from jail.
General congregation begins: Cardinals suspend beatifications, swear to secrecy
Acidly: In a shocking twist, cardinals scrambled like kids in a candy store at their first meeting after Pope Francis kicked the bucket. With a high-stakes agenda, they set the funeral for April 26, setting aside beatificationsâbecause why canonize the living when you can focus on the dead? They even swore to keep things under wraps. Meanwhile, the anticipation for who gets the papal throne is palpable. Will they choose wisely, or just go for the most entertaining choice? Stay tuned for the divine comedy.
Italy's Meloni says 'we hope to make the West great again' in Trump meeting
Acidly: Giorgia Meloni's Washington visit did little to resolve US-EU trade tensions, but hey, at least Trump called her a âgreat prime minister.â Nothing screams optimism quite like vague praises and zero trade deals. Meloni and Trump waxed poetic about defense spending and âmaking the West great again,â whatever that means. After fawning over each other, Meloni's off to chat with US Vice-President JD Vance. Who knew international diplomacy could be this thrilling? Maybe next time theyâll even take a selfie!
The Good Ol'Ads
Our Draft Day Predictor settles 10 debates: What the numbers say about QB picks, Round 1 surprises
Acidly: The NFL draft is a glorified guessing game, with teams relying on âprobabilistic forecastsâ instead of any real strategy. ESPNâs Draft Day Predictor churns out numbers that suggest who might land where, giving teams a false sense of intelligence. Shedeur Sandersâ odds of going 2nd? A whopping 4%. But hey, at least teams can blame the math if their picks are garbage. Meanwhile, fringe players candy store their 5-20% chances of sneaking into Round 1, because who doesnât love a long shot? Welcome to the circus.
Sophie Nyweide, child actor in âMammothâ and âNoah,â dead at 24
Acidly: Sophie Nyweide, a child star who briefly graced the screen alongside Hollywood heavies like Michelle Williams and Russell Crowe, has kicked the bucket at 24. Details? Who needs 'em! Her family shares a soap opera-worthy obituary, calling her "wise beyond her years" while glossing over the fact that she was clearly battling her demons. Ironically, the safe haven of film sets couldnât save herâneither could the myriad of therapists. Donations to anti-sexual violence organizations in her name, because why not throw in one last guilt trip?
Don't miss the Lyrid meteor shower peak tonight: Here's what to expect
Acidly: Attention all insomniacs and those with nothing better to do: the Lyrid meteor shower is here to steal your sleep. From April 16-25, up to 18 meteors will grace your tired eyes, as long as you can dodge the moonlight and find a nice patch of dark sky. Better grab your space gear and a lawn chair â we wouldnât want you to strain your neck. Just pretend the long gaps between meteors are part of the fun. You could catch up on sleep later... or maybe just keep waiting for the next rock from the sky. Enjoy!
The Good Ol'Ads
Dow futures jump 400 points after Trump says he doesnât plan to get rid of Fed chief: Live updates
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, Trump decided not to fire Fed Chair Powellâwhat a relief! Futures skyrocketed 1.1% as investors collectively sighed in relief, momentarily ignoring that just yesterday he called Powell a "major loser." Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Bessent hinted at a "de-escalation" in the trade war - but who even knows? Gold prices are climbing like they're training for the Olympics, proving investors are more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Cheers to uncertainty!
Bethesda officially reveals Oblivion Remastered, available today
Acidly: Bethesda, in a desperate bid for cash, has decided itâs time to remaster Oblivionâbecause who doesnât want a nearly 20-year-old game to be re-skinned? Now available for the low, low price of $49.99, this shiny version boasts new graphics, a modernized leveling system, and even improved lip sync. How thrilling! Theyâve remade everything from scratch, probably to distract us from their track record of endless bugs. Just what we neededâanother excuse to explore a bland fantasy world, now with better shadows!
Measles Surge in Southwest Is Now the Largest Single Outbreak Since 2000
Acidly: Measles is back with a bang, and guess what? Itâs the largest outbreak since America declared the virus eliminated. The Southwest, youâre the lucky winner â 624 cases in Texas alone! Just two unvaccinated girls died, but hey, letâs not dwell on such trivialities. Meanwhile, Dr. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recommends cod liver oil instead of vaccines, because who needs science? Public health funding is evaporating faster than common sense in these communities. Hold tight for the impending health disaster, folks!