Trump signs executive order to influence college accreditations
Acidly: In a reality show twist fit for a sitcom, Trump decides college accreditation should be based on whether students can count past their fingers. Harvard and Yale, under fire for possibly harboring students who "struggle" with math, are now blessed with the scrutiny of the Department of Education. An executive order commands federal agents to fish out foreign gift offenders—because who wouldn’t want a scandal-ridden academia? Meanwhile, Trump bungles through claims of 'woke' accrediting while possibly spelling his own doom. Classic!
Mourners visit Pope Francis lying in state at St Peter's Basilica
Acidly: Tens of thousands are lining up like zombies to gawk at Pope Francis, now officially at rest in a fancy coffin. He spent his last days in the hospital, and not even a miracle could save him. Applause and prayer are the new crowd-surfing, as the faithful experience a spiritual connection while sweating in Rome's heat. With his funeral approaching, everyone is betting on a "humble" send-off. Spoiler alert: don’t expect a flashy burial—he's skipping the usual pomp for a plain tombstone. God bless simplicity, I guess.
Italy's Meloni says 'we hope to make the West great again' in Trump meeting
Acidly: Giorgia Meloni waltzes into the White House like she owns the place, seduced by Trump’s praise. No trade deal? No problem! They’re just "optimistic." Impressed, Trump promised a Rome visit—because nothing screams diplomacy like a pizza party. Meanwhile, Meloni, eager to boost Italy’s defense budget (finally), heads home to chat tariffs with Vice President Vance. Let's call it a step towards zero tariffs, minus the details. Ah, make the West great again—where ambition stubbornly ignores reality. Charming, really.
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PFT’s one, and only, 2025 NFL first-round mock draft
Acidly: Ah, the mock draft—the annual charade of pretending we know anything before free agency transforms teams into a circus. After decades of disdain, I've abandoned ship and let someone else drown in the chaos. Prepare for the 2025 edition, hailed as the worst yet. Who cares, right? By tomorrow, we’ll know who gets picked, and you can bet some genius will start the 2026 mock with Arch Manning. Let’s just skip this nonsense and get to the bloopers—like every other year—because real choices depend on sheer luck anyway.
Harvey Weinstein rape retrial: Opening statements begin in New York
Acidly: In the epic saga of Harvey Weinstein, now in round three of courtroom drama, his lawyer claims the women are just fame-hungry attention-seekers. Because, obviously, being assaulted by a "Hollywood gatekeeper" is a ticket to stardom. Prosecutors paint Weinstein as a predator, while he whines about friendly messages exchanged post-assault, trying to turn victimhood into a mutual back-scratching deal. As this farcical trial drags on, Weinstein settles into his new hospital digs—who knew a monster could be a hypochondriac too?
Trial to boldly grow food in space labs blasts off
Acidly: In a desperate bid to feed astronauts without bankrupting space agencies, the ESA has blasted off a project to grow lab-grown food in orbit. Yes, that's right—scientists are concocting dishes like "protein-enhanced mashed potatoes" in zero gravity while dreaming of factories on the Moon. Meanwhile, Imperial College's chef experiments with fungi, serving up gourmet dumplings. But let's not get carried away; the reality is more brick-colored goo than gourmet gala. Welcome to modern space cuisine, where freeze-dried never looked so good.
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Trump reversals on Fed chair, China tariffs send markets higher
Acidly: In a ludicrous twist, the Trump administration, which started this catastrophic trade war with China, is now desperately seeking an exit. Tariffs hit a staggering 145%, and retailers are crying over looming shortages and inflated prices—oh, joy! The market surged on Trump's half-hearted comments about lowering rates, only to be slapped down when reality set in: China may not budge. So much for that “America first” mantra. It’s like watching a toddler throw a tantrum, then plead for their toy back. Good luck with that, folks!
Bethesda isn’t shutting down ambitious fan-made “Skyblivion” remaster project
Acidly: In a charming twist of fate, Bethesda has decided there's room in its overstuffed vault for both the shiny new Oblivion Remastered and the altruistic passion project, Skyblivion. A mod team that spent years tweaking an outdated relic now gets a pat on the back and free game keys from the very studio that could've obliterated their dreams. Who knew corporate benevolence existed? Meanwhile, in a world where Nintendo would set fire to anything resembling a fan project, Bethesda giggles and says, “Good luck!” Ah, the bittersweet taste of competition.
Measles Surge in Southwest Is Now the Largest Single Outbreak Since 2000
Acidly: Measles is crashing a party in the Southwest, becoming the biggest outbreak since its "elimination" in 2000. Texas alone boasts 624 cases, including two tragic deaths. Most cases? Unvaccinated kids, of course. Amid all this, the CDC's scrambling for cash as local health departments face budget cuts. Meanwhile, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is busy misinforming everyone about the "harm in vaccines" while good ol’ cod liver oil is supposed to save the day. Cheers to a measles revival and a health response buried in chaos!