Hegseth had an unsecured internet line set up in his office to connect to Signal, AP sources say
Acidly: In a stunning display of incompetence, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth decided that Pentagon security protocols were just suggestions. He set up a "dirty" internet line in his office to use the Signal app, because apparently, the government’s secure networks were too mainstream for him. While claiming to uphold national secrets, he shared sensitive airstrike details in chats with his wife, brother, and Trump’s buddies. The Pentagon is now under scrutiny, but hey, who needs security when you can have personal convenience? Priorities, right?
Trump: Russia not taking over Ukraine is a concession
Acidly: In a classic Trumpian twist, the genius president casually suggested that Russia would be making “a big concession” by not completely obliterating Ukraine. His diplomatic prowess shines as he simultaneously proposes peace while hinting Ukraine should kiss some territory goodbye. Meanwhile, he claims Zelensky is tougher than Putin—impressive considering he’s negotiating half-heartedly with a dictator. But hey, why rush? Let’s just wait and see, because nothing says “urgent diplomacy” like a laid-back press conference.
Italy harbors doubts about hitting 2 percent NATO target
Acidly: Italy is considering a creative accounting circus to dance around NATO's 2% GDP defense spending target—because who needs actual funding when you can just reclassify existing expenses? Finance Minister Giorgetti assures us this will make everyone happy, but good luck convincing NATO and the EU. Meanwhile, as Italy faces pressure to up defense spending amidst a healthcare crisis, don't be surprised if their military ends up getting funds by raiding the pasta budget. Bon appétit!
The Good Ol'Ads
Rams trade up, 2 RBs picked in top 15 in Colin Cowherd's 2025 NFL mock draft
Acidly: Ah, Draft Day, that magical time when desperate NFL teams cling to the hope that their next first-round pick will turn them into instant Super Bowl contenders. This year, all teams have their picks intact—shocking! Colin Cowherd’s mock draft peddles shiny names like Cam Ward and Travis Hunter, but let’s be real: most of these "talents" will fizzle out faster than an energy drink after a Monday meeting. So, gear up for another year of mediocrity wrapped in hype. Isn’t football grand?
Harvey Weinstein’s Move For Mistrial Fails On Second Day Of Rape Retrial – Update
Acidly: Harvey Weinstein's rape retrial kicked off with as much drama as you'd expect from an Oscar-winner turned pariah. His lawyers, desperately clutching at straws, sought a mistrial after a witness claimed the victim, Miriam Haley, would “never ever ever” consent to intercourse. Spoiler: the judge wasn't having it. Amidst sob stories and finger-pointing, Weinstein's lawyers conjured up a narrative of consensual sex gone wrong. Celebrity justice at its finest, folks—who needs accountability when you've got lawyers?
Super-Earths are common outside the solar system, new study shows
Acidly: In a shocking revelation, a bunch of stargazers from Harvard and friends found a "super-Earth," because apparently our planet wasn’t big enough. This 'super-Earth' is chillin' way out past Saturn, proving yet again that planets can actually have more personality than our dull solar system. They claim this find is pivotal, but considering they’ve just discovered another place with space rocks, it’s time to rethink our views of the cosmos. Who knew planets could show-off like this?
The Good Ol'Ads
Home sales just posted their biggest monthly fall since 2022
Acidly: The spring housing market was set for a grand debut, but instead flopped harder than a bad sitcom. Existing home sales plummeted 5.9% in March, the worst drop since last November. With mortgage rates nearing 7%, people are opting to stay nestled in their overpriced shoeboxes rather than venture into the chaos of real estate. Meanwhile, new home sales are clinging to life, but good luck finding a mansion among those petite, budget-friendly shacks. Welcome to the real estate circus, folks!
I got my Switch 2 preorder the old-fashioned way: lining up at GameStop
Acidly: In a tale as riveting as waiting for dial-up, gamers flocked to GameStop like moths to a flame, yearning for the sacred Switch 2. With online preorders a chaotic disaster, people lined up for days in Akron, clinging to nostalgia while ignoring reality. One optimistic lady, determined despite price hikes, exclaimed, “I'm just gonna be upset!” Truly profound, right? Meanwhile, I snagged a Mario Kart bundle with my loyal pooch cooling my back. Who knew dust-covered brick-and-mortars still had magic?
I nearly died from my peanut allergy but now I eat them every day - here's how I made the major improvement
Acidly: Meet Chris Brookes-Smith, the man who went from nearly kicking the bucket over a curry to munching peanuts like they’re Skittles. After a trial that required more supervision than a toddler with a sharp object, he can now bask in the glory of eating peanuts daily—because who doesn’t want to flirt with death for breakfast? The study showed he and 13 others can now tolerate peanuts without a hospital trip. How nice! One in 200 UK adults, though, will still need to avoid them like the plague. Good luck out there!