Virginia Giuffre, plaintiff in Epstein and Prince Andrew sex trafficking case, dies at 41
Acidly: Virginia Giuffre, once the poster child for the battle against Epstein’s sordid legacy, has tragically taken her own life at 41. Irony thrives: a fighter against sexual exploitation succumbs to her demons. Her family calls her a "fierce warrior," while Andrew still dances around the truth with his sweaty denials. In a world where justice is an abstract concept, Giuffre’s voice will be missed—unless you're a royal, in which case, denial is the shield of choice. A tragic end to a harrowing battle.
See photos of Pope Francis' funeral and procession
Acidly: Pope Francis' funeral turned into a star-studded affair, proving that even death can't escape the pomp of the Vatican. With a crowd of 250,000—including world leaders and a few VIPs like Trump and Biden—his final send-off was anything but humble. Despite his wishes for simplicity, his wooden coffin was paraded like the latest fashion. Cardinal Re's eulogy proclaimed him a "pope among the people," which is great, but it seems the people needed a little glitz. Let's hope the next one takes notes on the showbiz aspect.
Pope saved my children's future by bringing us to Italy, says Syrian migrant
Acidly: Pope Francis, famous for his angelic persona, swooped in on poor migrants in Lesbos in 2016, snatching twelve souls—one being Wafaa, a Syrian mom—right off the heat-scorched tarmac for a VIP flight to Italy. "Don’t lose hope!” he chirped while snuggling her kids. Meanwhile, EU leaders tightened their borders like a noose, blind to human suffering. Because who needs compassion when you have hardline politics? Wafaa now works as a cleaner in Rome; the Pope's temporary charity was a stark contrast to ongoing indifference.
The Good Ol'Ads
Shedeur Sanders’ long wait ends when Browns take him in the 5th round of the NFL draft
Acidly: Shedeur Sanders, the once-cocky quarterback expected to soar in the draft, languished until the Cleveland Browns finally picked him in the fifth round—four rounds too late. Cue the confetti and pool dive! Instead of wallowing in self-pity over five other quarterbacks snagged before him, he chose to celebrate like a child who just got a puppy. At least he’s grateful for the shot, because clearly, the Browns have mastered the art of finding mid-tier talent. Welcome to the NFL, Shedeur; may your fall be as steep as your dad's ego.
Box Office: 'Sinners' Winning, 'Accountant 2' at $9.4 Mil. Opening Day
Acidly: "Sinners," Ryan Coogler and Michael B. Jordan's latest masterpiece, is set to dominate the box office again, proving that vampire flicks are obviously the new black. With a mere 8% drop in its second weekend, it’s about to cross $100 million. Meanwhile, Ben Affleck's "The Accountant 2" is barely scraping by with projections of $25 million and still trying to convince us it matters. As for Disney’s "Star Wars" re-release, it’s just a nostalgic cash grab. Let's all pretend these aren't merely industry rehearsals for streaming drudgery.
NASA’s Mars orbiter snapped this image of Curiosity trucking along down at the surface
Acidly: In a galaxy far, far away—oh wait, it’s just Mars—Curiosity the slowpoke rover trudges along at a neck-snapping .1 mph, making it the world’s laziest explorer. NASA's latest orbiter snap captured its monumental trek, leaving a 1,050-foot dirt impression. Yes, those tracks will linger for months, thanks to Mars' charmingly relentless winds. And what’s the rover's next stop? Groundwater formations! Keep the excitement at bay; it’s just a rusty hunk of metal taking eons to do its thing.
The Good Ol'Ads
‘Just never been anything like DOGE’: Inside Elon Musk’s turbulent takeover of government in Trump’s first 100 days
Acidly: In a stunning display of incompetence, Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency, Trump's pet project, has bulldozed through the federal government like a toddler on a sugar rush. With a band of clueless 20-somethings, they’ve fired over 100,000 workers, dismantled entire agencies, and slapped together some outrageous savings claims while grasping at straws. As Musk hints at potential bowing out, the damage may echo for years—who knew chaos could be so… efficient? Welcome to American governance, folks!
The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion Remastered has clocked up over 4 million players in less than 5 days
Acidly: Ah, the nostalgia trip known as Oblivion Remastered. Released just four days ago and already over four million brave souls have ventured into the pixelated mess of Cyrodiil. Bethesda graciously thanks players for giving them another shot at fleecing their wallets. Developed by Virtuos, this “ground-up remake” looks suspiciously like a lazy cash grab in Unreal Engine 5. And good luck with those mods! Bethesda won’t officially support any of them, of course. Let the chaos begin!
RFK Jr.’s Wish Is Coming True: Everybody’s Getting Measles
Acidly: Welcome to America, where measles is making a comeback, and everyone’s embracing their inner anti-vaxxer. With a whopping 884 cases across 29 states, RFK Jr.’s “natural immunity” crusade is thriving—because who doesn’t want to relive the joys of childhood diseases? Forget vaccines; just let the kids roll around in measles. Three deaths, including two children, are mere stats in this twisted narrative. Keep those vaccination rates steady, and we’ll have a fun, retro contagion tour at our doorstep. Cheers to good choices!