US and Ukraine sign critical minerals deal
Acidly: Ah, the U.S. and Ukraine are officially in a “partnership.” In this riveting plot twist, the U.S. gleefully secures access to Ukraine’s rare earth minerals—because who cares about sovereignty when there's money to be made? Negotiations? A bitter mess, but hey, that’s just global diplomacy, right? With Trump orchestrating this economic tango after freezing aid, one has to wonder: will “full ownership” mean anything when the cash flows? A true win-win... for anyone but Ukraine. Cheers to another chapter in exploitation!
Sectarian Clashes Spread Around Syria’s Capital, Drawing In Israel
Acidly: Israel dropped some bombs on Syria, threatening to hurt government forces if they don't play nice with the Druse militiamen. In between airstrikes, a Syrian governor whined about a couple of deaths. Apparently, all this violence kicked off when an audio clip insulted the Prophet—classic recipe for disaster. So, 39 dead, chaos reigns, and the newfound Islamist government can't even manage their toy soldiers. Meanwhile, Druse folks just want to be left alone, but hey, meddling? That’s just the neighborly thing to do.
Senate confirms Trump envoys to UK, Turkey, Italy
Acidly: Ah, the Senate confirmed three billionaires as ambassadors, proving once again that wealth equals wisdom—at least in Trump’s world. Warren Stephens, a man who once dumped $2 million against Trump, now dons the Union Jack as the UK’s envoy. Tom Barrack, a longtime ally and former indicted lobbyist, gets to gallivant about as a global diplomat. Meanwhile, Tilman Fertitta, who owns half of the hospitality industry, is off to Italy. Who knew diplomacy was just a game of cash and connections?
The Good Ol'Ads
Jets QB Travis retiring due to '23 FSU leg injury
Acidly: In a plot twist no one saw coming—because nobody was watching—the New York Jets' backup QB Jordan Travis is retiring without throwing a single pass. After waging a losing battle with his surgically repaired leg, which clearly doesn't share his enthusiasm for football, Travis decided to take the doctor's advice and gracefully bow out. He thanked the Jets for his "ultimate dream" of achieving a record-setting nonexistence in the NFL. Yes, folks, dreams do come true... just not the ones you expect.
Robert De Niro Shares 'Love and Support' For His Transgender Daughter
Acidly: Ah, the De Niro family saga. Robert De Niro, in all his Oscar-winning glory, is now a proud dad of a transgender daughter, Airyn. "I loved Aaron, now I love Airyn. What's the fuss?" he quips, as if parenting is an Oscars acceptance speech. Airyn, feeling "invisible" in a sprawling family of seven, finally decided to emerge, citing Laverne Cox as her inspiration. She thanked her "supportive" fans while sheepishly admitting she’s just a regular gal with a smartphone. Classic Hollywood: even identity comes with a PR team.
T. rex researchers eviscerate 'misleading' dinosaur leather announcement
Acidly: Hold onto your luxury handbags, folks! A trio of companies is set to launch T. rex leather—except, surprise! It’s all a smoke-and-mirrors act. Experts reveal there’s no T. rex DNA left; it's as likely as finding a unicorn. Instead, they're cooking up a lab-created version based on fossilized collagen—because who wouldn’t want faux-dino skin? As they pander to eco-conscious consumers, one paleontologist aptly dubbed their claim "fantasy." So, get ready to wear the prehistoric myth; fashion just got tragically ridiculous.
The Good Ol'Ads
A Flashing Economic Warning and a Sharp Political Jolt
Acidly: After 101 days in office, Trump’s grand economic management plan collapsed spectacularly, with GDP taking a nosedive. His trade war is squeezing supplies and pushing prices up, while his “liberation day” tariffs are like a bad joke. Most Americans—55%—aren’t laughing; they disapprove of his economic genius. Meanwhile, China’s Xi is silently waiting for Trump to crack under pressure, as the only thing soaring faster than stock prices seems to be Trump’s bravado. Spoiler: the economy's not blooming.
‘Fortnite’ Will Return to U.S. iOS App Store After Court Finds Apple Willfully Violated Court Order in Epic Games Suit
Acidly: In a twist nobody asked for, “Fortnite” is making its glorious return to the iOS App Store, courtesy of a California court that finally put Apple in its place for its not-so-subtle monopoly games. Apparently, Apple’s VP of Finance thought lying under oath was a good idea—how quaint. Epic’s Tim Sweeney is strutting like a peacock, crowing about “no fees” on web transactions. Meanwhile, Apple is left scrambling, forced to play nice in the playground. Who else is expecting an epic meltdown next?
Even a small uptick in vaccination could prevent millions of US measles cases. Here's how
Acidly: Measles is making a comeback, and guess who’s to blame? Vaccine holdouts, of course! With only 92.7% of kindergartners rolling up their sleeves, the CDC warns that we’re flirting with the idea of endemic measles. Shocking, right? A mere 5% increase in vaccination could save millions of kids from a rash, yet folks are still hesitant. What’s the harm, really? Oh, just a potential 51.2 million measles cases if we keep this up. But hey, who needs safety when you can have a “fun” filled outbreak?