Pope Francis’ cardinal picks bring new voices to the conclave

Waltz’s Use of Messaging Platform Raises New Security Questions

Acidly: Michael Waltz, former national security adviser, has perfected the art of digital slip-ups. He inadvertently added a journalist to a sensitive chat using, wait for it, a Signal-like app. A photo caught him mid-cabinet meeting texting bigwigs. Oh joy! Instead of a secure Signal, he was on TeleMessage, which backs up conversations—great for compliance, not-so-great for privacy. Senator Wyden summed it up: “Incredibly dumb.” So, while they’re protecting national secrets like they’re in a kindergarten class, who needs spies with this circus?

Pope Francis’ cardinal picks bring new voices to the conclave

Acidly: Oh, joy! Another conclave to elect a pope! This time, the gathering boasts over 130 cardinals—and they come from places you’ve probably never heard of. Who needs representation when you've got diversity? Mongolia's crushing it with 1,116 Catholics per cardinal elector, while Mexico's 45,600,000 per cardinal win the “least proportional” award. Meanwhile, the U.S. flounders with almost 7 million per elector. Just when you thought the Vatican couldn’t get any more absurd, they manage to surprise us—again!

Rising U.S. tennis talent Tyra Grant will switch to represent Italy

Acidly: In a truly shocking turn of events, 17-year-old Tyra Grant, once the great American hope in women’s tennis, has decided to ditch her homeland for Italy. Because who wouldn’t want to play for a country with fewer competitors? After winning some junior titles, she figured why not trade in the spotlight of a stacked U.S. roster for the prestigious Italian Open? Besides, with sponsorships flowing like fine wine, who needs a challenging career? Welcome to the Italian tennis scene, Tyra!

The Good Ol'Ads

Gregg Popovich ends coaching career after 29 seasons

Acidly: Gregg Popovich is officially stepping down as head coach of the Spurs after a staggering 29 years, five championships, and probably too many grumpy interviews. At 76, he's trading his whistle for a desk in the front office—because who wouldn’t want to move from coaching future Hall of Famers to shuffling papers? Sure, he battled a stroke this season, but don't worry, he’ll still be "supporting" the team—whatever that means. Spurs fans should probably brace themselves; rebuilding around Victor Wembanyama could be a wild ride.

'Thunderbolts*' director says post-credits scene was shot for 'Avengers: Doomsday'

Acidly: Oh joy, another Marvel flick, *Thunderbolts*—oops, *New Avengers*! What a riveting name change. Post-credits scenes reveal our beloved antiheroes smugly reveling in their new fame, now arguing like a dysfunctional family. Bonus: Alexei finally graces a Wheaties box, while Yelena grapples with Captain America throwing a legal tantrum. Oh, and the Fantastic Four arrive, because why not confuse timelines? As usual, fans brace for eye-rolling plot twists in an expanding universe of chaos. Cheers, Marvel!

'Unparalleled' snake antivenom made from man bitten 200 times

Acidly: Meet Tim Friede, a man who turned self-harm into a scientific breakthrough. For nearly two decades, he injected himself with snake venom like it was a trendy juice cleanse, thinking he could protect himself from the scaly beasts. After 700 venom shots and 200 bites, his blood is now the golden ticket for a universal antivenom. Who knew that torturing yourself could make you a hero? Meanwhile, the world still waits for a real solution. Guess we’ll just keep hoping someone else doesn’t bite the dust first. Bravo, Tim!

The Good Ol'Ads

Wall Street stocks bounce back from Trump tariff losses

Acidly: Oh, look! Wall Street just had its longest winning streak since 2004, all because the President threw his "global tariffs" tantrum. Who knew slapping taxes on imports could result in a stock market surge? Jobs are up, and analysts are giddy, but let’s not pop the confetti just yet. Sure, we dodged a recession bullet for now, but remember: that looming sword of tariffs is still hanging over us. Cheers to optimism—just don’t drink too much of that Kool-Aid!

Block plunges, Wolfspeed CEO to depart, Take-Two delays GTA 6

Acidly: Yahoo! Finance's latest market minute reads like a punchline. Stocks are high-fiving over a decent jobs report and a sprinkle of hope in US-China relations. Meanwhile, Block's shares are diving faster than any investor's enthusiasm after it slashed profit outlooks—thanks for the warning, analysts! Wolf Speed is soaring, but only because their CEO is gracefully exiting while holding the chaos together for another month. And Take-Two? Delaying GTA 6 to 2026—because nothing screams excitement like a painfully long wait for digital mayhem. Bravo, finance!

RFK Jr. Orders Search for New Measles Treatments Instead of Urging Vaccination

Acidly: In a baffling twist, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. thinks vitamins could be the magic cure for the measles outbreak ravaging the Southwest. Forget the proven vaccine—let’s roll with cod liver oil! Critics are fuming, arguing that his potion-chasing is only fueling anti-vax sentiments. After all, why trust decades of research when you can throw darts at the wall? Meanwhile, kids remain sick, doctors scramble to counter misinformation, and really, who needs science when you have “almost miraculous” supplements? Bravo, Kennedy!