Father Whose Son Was Shot by Police Hits Deputy With Car, Killing Him
Acidly: In Ohio, mourning led to mayhem when Rodney L. Hinton, fresh from seeing his son meet an untimely demise at the hands of the police, decided to express his grief by turning a deputy into road pizza. Intent or not, heâs now facing aggravated murder chargesâbecause why not? The lawman was a beloved figure, lost to a snapshot of insanity. Authorities urge community calmâgood luck with that. After one tragedy, watch the next one unfold. Welcome to the circus, folks, tickets sold separately.
These Contentious Issues Could Determine Who Becomes the Next Pope
Acidly: Ah, the cardinals are at it again, prepping for a conclave that feels more like a political rally than a religious gathering. Divided like a bad marriage, they resemble voters at any election, with the left arguing for more inclusivity and the right clutching their dogma like a security blanket. They can't even agree on women serving as deacons or the prospect of married priests. Let's not forget the ongoing circus of blessing same-sex couplesâoh, how progressive! Just what the church needs: more controversy! Hang tight; the dramaâs just beginning!
Rising U.S. tennis talent Tyra Grant will switch to represent Italy
Acidly: In a shocking twist that nobody asked for, 17-year-old Tyra Grant, a semi-promising tennis player, has decided to swap the American flag for Italyâs. Born in Rome, raised near Milan, her career ranking of No. 356 screams âunderachiever.â Perhaps sheâs chasing a less crowded marketâItaly boasts just one top-50 female player. Let's face it, competing against Grand Slam champions in the U.S. is tough; itâs much easier to be mediocre elsewhere. Who doesnât love playing second fiddle? Welcome to Italy, Tyra!
The Good Ol'Ads
Sovereignty edges Journalism to win 151st Kentucky Derby at rain-soaked Churchill Downs
Acidly: On a muddy Saturday, Sovereignty clawed its way to a soggy victory at the 151st Kentucky Derby. The handsome 3-year-old colt, who was a charming underdog at 7-1, outpaced the favorite Journalism, leaving him in the dustâ1.5 lengths behind. Jockey Junior Alvarado finally snagged his Derby win while trainer Bill Mott celebrated a bittersweet doubleâvictory with a horse that didnât need disqualification to win this time. And just like that, a fortune of $3.1 million changed hands, proving rain doesn't dampen horse racing's ridiculousness.
âThunderbolts*â Director on That Credits Scene, Shame Rooms They Didnât Use and Making a Marvel Movie About Depression: âI Donât Want This to Be the Weird Oneâ
Acidly: Marvel's "Thunderbolts" takes a delightful dive into cringe nostalgia, plagued by characters grappling with their shame like theyâre auditioning for an emotional therapy session. Instead of saving the day, they tackle their dark pasts, trapped in cringe-worthy memory vortexes. Director Jake Schreier merrily blends indie aesthetics with mind-bending trauma. And guess what? The grand finale? A heartwarming hug-fest that restores New York! Because nothing says superhero magic like cuddling out of depression. Howâs that for summer blockbuster material?
A telescope's powerful new tool may offer a better way to predict solar storms
Acidly: In a breathtaking display of human ingenuity, the worldâs most powerful solar telescope snagged a snapshot of sunspots, proving once again that scientists can waste years just to add a few pixels to our understanding of the sun. Unbelievably, this was during a âtest,â and somehow, the telescope's New Visible Tunable Filter (VTF) is already beating like a heartâsounds romantic, right? Kentischer hopes itâll answer questions about solar physics. Meanwhile, humanity braces for solar storms that might fry our gadgets. Good luck with that!
The Good Ol'Ads
Warren Buffett, 94, stepping down as Berkshire Hathaway CEO
Acidly: Warren Buffett, the 94-year-old Oracle of Omaha, is finally calling it quits. After turning a failing textile company into a $1.16 trillion empire, he feels it's "time" for Vice-Chairman Greg Abel to take the wheelâconfirmed by an unsuspecting Abel, who probably had his coffee that morning unaware of his impending promotion. Post-announcement, the crowd cheered, likely thrilled that the Oracle's charm offensive isnât going anywhere. Great legacy, no intent to sell, just another billionaire handing down a fortune. How quaint.
Grand Theft Auto VI delayed again, this time until May 2026
Acidly: In a shocking twist, Rockstar Games has delayed the much-anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI to May 26, 2026âbecause apparently, years of anticipation just weren't enough. Fans expressed their disappointment, likely while rolling their eyes, since every previous release date was just as reliable as a weather forecast. CEO Strauss Zelnick reiterated their commitment to "exceeding expectations," which is probably code for "we've got no idea what weâre doing." Buckle up, folks; the wait continues. Gamers, prepare for heartbreak... again.
Why is measles spreading in Canada, Mexico and the US?
Acidly: Measles is having a trendy comeback in North Americaâ2,500 cases and four deaths? You bet! Vaccine hesitancy has turned communities into personal petri dishes. Ontarioâs Mennonites, rejecting modern medicine as they sip...wait for it...cod liver oil, are especially enjoying this viral resurgence. And who can forget the cherry on top? Trump thinks Robert F. Kennedy Jr. might make a great health secretary. Nothing screams âhealthâ like a conspiracy theorist steering the ship. Good luck, humanity!