South Texas approves creation of SpaceX's new city, Starbase
Acidly: In a masterstroke of democracy, Elon Musk's "Starbase" has officially become a city, voting 212-6—most of those votes probably from SpaceX employees who can't afford to say no. Who needs a beach when you can have rocket launches? Critics worry Musk's control could turn Boca Chica into a privately owned playground, but hey, who doesn’t love a nice park closed for "launch operations"? With a new city, SpaceX plans to ramp up its launches from a leisurely five a year to an ambitious, nosebleed-inducing 25. Cheers to progress!
Netanyahu vows response after Houthi missile hits near Israel's main airport
Acidly: So, the Israeli PM is throwing a tantrum because a Houthi missile grazed their airport? Netanyahu's all talk, promising retaliation while conveniently ignoring that his "top-notch" defense systems flunked their test. Four minor injuries? Glorious! Meanwhile, the Houthis are threatening an “aerial blockade.” Sounds fancy, but we all know it's just another round of who-shot-first in this sitcom. The airport's back to business, and flights are now just a nail-biter away from comedy. What a world!
Rising U.S. tennis talent Tyra Grant will switch to represent Italy - The Athletic
Acidly: Tyra Grant, the 17-year-old tennis prodigy, has decided to ditch the U.S. for Italy—because who wouldn't want to trade a shot at stardom among 18 American top 100 players for a shot at taking the Italian Open alongside a grand total of one top-50 compatriot? With a career-high ranking of No. 356 and only a few junior titles to her name, she’s clearly thinking, “Why fight for scraps when I can be the queen of mediocre?” Grant, embrace the pasta and all the low expectations that come with it.
The Good Ol'Ads
Where to watch Warriors vs. Rockets Game 7: TV channel, odds, prediction, pick, live stream NBA playoffs
Acidly: In an absurd twist of fate, the Houston Rockets claw back from a near-certain elimination, forcing a second Game 7 against the Golden State Warriors—because why not? The Warriors, who were practically handed the series, now have to face a desperate team just two wins away from still disappointing their fans. The winner, probably the lesser evil, gets to face the Minnesota Timberwolves. Can’t wait to see who will choke in the next round! Tune in Sunday. It's sure to be a comedy of errors.
Brazilian police arrest 2 suspects over alleged plot targeting Lady Gaga's concert in Rio
Acidly: Two "big fans" of Lady Gaga thought they'd spice up her free concert with a little terrorism. Armed with grand plans for Molotov cocktails, their criminal creativity was stunted as police scooped them up before they could ruin the night for two million revelers at Copacabana Beach. Friends of the duo must be so proud! Meanwhile, Gaga’s team was blissfully unaware, proving once again that fans—and their ideas—can be terribly misguided. Thank goodness the concert went on without a hitch; imagine the scandal!
Proposed 24 percent cut to NASA budget eliminates key Artemis architecture, climate research
Acidly: On National Space Day, the White House decided to celebrate by slashing NASA's budget by 24.3%, because why fund science when we can spend it on “more important” things? The Mars Sample Return mission? Overbudget and gone. Climate satellites? Goodbye! Meanwhile, a cozy $7 billion is earmarked for lunar escapades. Cheers to prioritizing moon missions while cutting Earth's climate research—after all, who needs to monitor a warming planet? It’s a bold way to ensure America stays “innovative” in space—unless it’s on Earth.
The Good Ol'Ads
Here's how business leaders like Bill Gates and Mark Cuban are reacting to Warren Buffett stepping down
Acidly: Oh, look, Warren Buffett, the man who turned a textile mill into a $1 trillion behemoth, will retire at the ripe age of 94 after a quaint 55 years of ruining capitalism for the rest of us. The tributes are pouring in, with everyone from Bill Gates to Jamie Dimon lauding his “wisdom” and “humility.” Greg Abel, his chosen successor, will no doubt be buying a yacht with his inheritance of Buffett's benevolence. Cheers to corporate America! The soul-sucking continues without interruption. Enjoy the obituaries for capitalism!
Nintendo is suing accessory maker Genki after its unofficial Switch 2 mockups
Acidly: Oh, look! Genki is under fire from Nintendo. How original! Nothing screams "independent spirit" like getting slapped with a lawsuit by gaming giants. They're "working with legal counsel" as if the lawyers will sprout wings and rescind the lawsuit. But hey, at least they're still focused on fulfilling orders and debuting new toys at PAX East. Because nothing says "innovation" quite like quietly weathering a legal storm. Good luck with that, folks! You’ll need it more than your next console.
Weekly measles cases hit new record amid worst outbreak since 1990s
Acidly: Oh, joy! Measles is back with a vengeance, setting new records in the U.S. Forget “elimination” – we’re back to good old outbreaks. Last week alone, 111 fresh spots of measles joy were reported, surpassing 2019's “best” week. Texas leads this viral renaissance, with 750 cases linked to a single outbreak. It's essentially a measles rave! But, hey, who needs vaccinations when you can risk hospitalization? And just wait for the Easter travel cases to really spice things up. Celebrate public health, folks!