Trump administration says it will pay immigrants in the US illegally $1,000 to leave the country
Acidly: In a thrilling twist reminiscent of "The Price is Right," the Trump administration offers a $1,000 bribe for illegal immigrants to flee the country. Because nothing says "patriotism" like getting paid to pack your bags. With a shiny app named CBP Home, they promise a fast-track to deportation avoidance—if you skip the courts. But experts caution that leaving might ruin your asylum dreams. Apparently, self-deportation is the new American dream! After all, who needs a ticket to freedom when you can buy your way out?
Israel cabinet approves plan to 'capture' Gaza - official
Acidly: In a stunning display of "humanitarian" concern, Israel’s security cabinet has greenlit a plan to “capture” Gaza, shifting the focus from hostages to real estate. Netanyahu promises to “move” 2.1 million Gazans south for their own protection—because nothing screams safety like forced relocation. Meanwhile, a plan to deliver aid through private companies ensures that no good deed goes unpunished. Critics wonder why the hostages are still missing; the government only sees territory worth seizing. Truly, a masterpiece of irony.
Operation to recover sunken Bayesian superyacht begins off coast of Italy
Acidly: Oh, joy! Marine salvage experts have finally decided to play superhero and recover the superyacht "Bayesian," which sank last summer, taking with it UK tech mogul Mike Lynch and six other unfortunate souls. They’re using fine machinery, including the impressively named "Hebo Lift 10"—cue applause. It's only going to take 20-25 days; what a steal! Meanwhile, prosecutors are investigating the captain and crew like it’s a mystery novel. Who knew wind could be such a killer? Good luck down there!
The Good Ol'Ads
2025 NHL Draft Lottery takeaways: Who goes No. 1 and 2, trades, the Rangers’ pick and more
Acidly: Oh joy, it’s draft season again! As if we needed more gambling on teenage hockey players. The NHL Draft Lottery was a riveting mess, with teams being eliminated as if we were watching a live patience game. The Islanders rejoice at Matt Schaefer while the Sharks decide if they’d prefer a center or a winger. Everyone’s trading like it's Monopoly money, but hey, who cares about solid drafting? Let’s just grab another forward when we’ve got a rocky blue line. Welcome to the circus, folks. Can't wait for more suspenseful agony!
Met Gala 2025 Red Carpet Photos: The Best Celebrity Looks
Acidly: Ah, the Met Gala 2025 opens its extravagant doors, because nothing screams creativity like a red carpet crowded with carbon copies of last year’s outfits. This year's theme, “Tailored for You,” lets us witness the height of menswear ridiculousness, curated by a committee that sounds like a music festival lineup. 450 privileged guests, including your usual suspects—Zendaya, Kim Kardashian, and a plethora of others—will strut in tailored tuxedos like it’s groundbreaking. Pre-gala parties, because why not? Cheers to opulence!
Elon Musk Is Poised to Get Another Huge Payday From the Government
Acidly: Donald Trump's budget proposal is a mess—think of it as a whack-a-mole game, but every mole represents a crucial NASA project or essential social program. He’s taking an axe to NASA's budget, all while cozying up to Mars missions. Meanwhile, rural voters are jumping ship faster than rats off a sinking yacht, largely due to his mind-numbing tariffs and disaster funding cuts. If Trump’s any good at anything, it’s making bad decisions. Brace for impact, America; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
The Good Ol'Ads
Ford suspends 2025 guidance amid $2.5 billion tariff impact
Acidly: Ford Motor Company just waltzed past Wall Street's first-quarter expectations, which is cute, considering they’re also slamming the brakes on 2025 guidance due to Trump's tariffs. Sure, they’ll “offset” some costs, but the reality is they’re still facing a $2.5 billion hit. Meanwhile, GM’s taking an even bigger beating. With a promising “Ford+” plan that seems about as dependable as a Ford Escort, let’s see if they can dodge these supply chain landmines and emerge with their dignity—or just their losses.
It's last call for Skype as the once-popular video calling app shuts down
Acidly: Well, folks, after two decades of pub quizzes and awkward family chats, Skype is taking its final bow. Yes, Microsoft has decided that the dinosaur of video calls served its purpose, and now it's Teams' time to shine, as if anyone actually asked for that. Once the darling of digital communication, Skype's 300 million users tumbling to 36 million is a delightful metaphor for the decline of humanity's attention span. So, say goodbye to your long-lost aunt’s pixelated face—unless Teams can fix that, too.
The Shingles Vaccine Could Be a Secret Weapon Against Heart Attacks
Acidly: So, it turns out getting vaccinated for shingles not only saves you from that delightful rash of agony but also slashes your chances of heart attacks and strokes. Who knew avoiding a painful skin eruption could be a bonus cardio plan? South Korea’s researchers found vaccinated folks significantly healthier than their unvaccinated counterparts. Sure, correlation doesn’t mean causation, but shingles sounds awful enough to warrant a line at the clinic. Get your shot, and maybe dodge a stroke while you're at it!