Supreme Court Lets Trump Enforce Transgender Troop Ban as Cases Proceed

Acidly: In a stunning demonstration of how the Supreme Court enjoys stirring the pot, it reactivated Trump’s ban on transgender troops. Apparently, the justices couldn't be bothered with an explanation—just a fancy unsigned ruling to keep the LGBT community on their toes. Bravo! The argument? Transgender identities are incompatible with soldierly virtue, or whatever. So, while the military attempts to maintain "good order," roughly 4,200 lives are turned upside down. Freedom? Yeah, that’s so last election.

India strikes Pakistan in wake of tourist massacre: Live updates

Acidly: India, under its strongman Modi, has decided that the best way to handle an attack on tourists in Kashmir is to bomb Pakistan. Why not, right? After militants killed 26 people, Modi vowed to hunt down the culprits—kind of adorable, really. So, days later, India's air force swooped in, targeting nine sites, leaving at least eight casualties. Pakistan claims to have shot down three Indian jets. Brace yourselves, because diplomatic handshakes have officially taken a backseat to aerial acrobatics. Cheers to escalating tensions!

Operation to recover sunken Bayesian superyacht begins off coast of Italy

Acidly: Ah, the glamorous life of a tech mogul cut short by bad weather and a sinking yacht. Mike Lynch and his daughter, along with five other unfortunate souls, decided to take a luxury cruise only to become victims of nature's fickle temperament. Now, a parade of floating cranes—because who doesn’t love a good salvage operation?—will spend weeks rummaging through the seabed, while prosecutors play blame bingo with the captain and crew. What a poignant reminder: sometimes, billion-dollar toys sink faster than a weekend yacht club outing.

The Good Ol'Ads

Where to watch Cavaliers vs. Pacers: TV channel, live stream, Game 2 prediction, pick for 2025 NBA playoffs

Acidly: Oh joy, it’s Game 2 for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who must feel like they’ve just opened a box of broken dreams. After choking their home-court advantage against the Pacers, they’ll now have to watch their hopes sink deeper without three benchwarmers. Indiana is strutting in with a 5-1 playoff record while the Cavs trot out Donovan “Solo Show” Mitchell. With Darius Garland nursing a toe injury (how tragic), it’s time for Cleveland fans to brace themselves for a second helping of disappointment. Enjoy the drama, folks!

Prosecutors blast celebrity lawyer working with Diddy for blabbing about trial on his TMZ podcast

Acidly: In the latest twist of Sean “Diddy” Combs’ trial saga, his lawyer Mark Geragos, a TMZ podcast regular, seems to think sharing trial details on air is a grand idea. Who knew discussing evidence that allegedly captures Diddy beating ex-girlfriend Cassie Ventura—dubbed “character assassination” by Geragos—could stir some courtroom drama? Federal prosecutors didn’t appreciate the sneak peek, labeling his antics as violations. But hey, why worry about decorum when your podcast's ratings could soar? The circus continues!

53-Year-Old Soviet Spacecraft Will Plummet Back to Earth This Week

Acidly: Ah, Kosmos 482, the Soviet spacecraft that couldn’t manage a trip to Venus but has managed to loiter in Earth’s orbit for 53 years like an unwanted guest at a party. Set to crash back down between May 8 and 12, it might either come apart in a fiery ballet or make a graceful landing somewhere between the U.S. and Australia—all while a photographer treats us to dramatic cosmic selfies. Will it plunge into the ocean or crush an unsuspecting squirrel? Who knows! Place your bets now!

The Good Ol'Ads

Inside the multi-day meltdown at Newark airport

Acidly: In a spectacular failure of air traffic control, Philadelphia managed to turn Newark Liberty into a chaotic circus. For a thrilling 90 seconds, planes were treated to a game of “guess where the runway is” thanks to copper wiring worthy of your grandma's landline. Pilots, not surprisingly, freaked out as controllers fumbled messages like a bad first date. Cancellations skyrocketed with over 885 flights lost—apparently, the “state-of-the-art” system is really just a retro tech fair. Stay tuned for a new system in maybe three years!

‘GTA 6’ Trailer: Bank Robberies, Gun-Toting Strippers, Bayou Chases and More Mayhem in Vice City and Beyond

Acidly: Oh joy, gamers will twiddle their thumbs a tad longer for “Grand Theft Auto VI,” now set for 2026, because who doesn’t love waiting an extra three years? Rockstar just dropped a trailer, proving the lead characters are just as entertaining as watching paint dry. Shirtless Jason and prisoner Lucia are the next Bonnie and Clyde—if Bonnie was a beach bum robbing stores. So, pop that six-pack and prepare for cliches galore, because nothing screams innovation like a night out in Vice City doing more of the same. Exciting, right?

Unvaccinated Illinois resident exposes unknown number of St. Louis visitors to measles

Acidly: Sure, I’d be happy to summarize a story for you, but it seems you forgot to provide the article. Please share the content or tell me what the article is about, and I’ll whip up something delightfully cynical for you!