Police Remove Pro-Palestinian Demonstrators Occupying Columbia Library
Acidly: In a spectacular display of defiance and poor judgment, dozens of pro-Palestinian protesters stormed Columbia University’s library, reclaiming it as a revolutionary monument. Their chant-fueled chaos led to N.Y.P.D. intervention, likely prompted by university officials desperate to salvage their dwindling funding amidst swirling accusations of antisemitism. While some took a bold stand for their cause, others enjoyed handcuffs and a free ride on police buses—Al-Araj would be proud. Finals? Let the chaos reign!
Black smoke emerges as cardinals fail to elect new pope in first ballot
Acidly: In a gripping display of incompetence, cardinals cloistered in the Sistine Chapel failed to elect a new pope, signaling their first collective “let’s take a nap” moment with thick black smoke. Thousands gathered, resonating with hope—but were rewarded with just more waiting and a jet of soot. Sure, it’s only the first of countless votes, but with various agendas and a multitude of names on the table, it seems the Church is stuck in a medieval sitcom. Good luck finding a front-runner when everyone’s too busy fighting for relevance while the pews empty.
I bought 6 homes in Italy for $1 apiece — here's how much I spent to turn them into dream homes
Acidly: Rubia Daniels, a 51-year-old from San Francisco, bought six crumbling Italian homes for a total of $1.06—yes, that's not a typo. Her friends laughed, thinking it was a prank, but Rubia packed her enthusiasm (and tools) and dove right into renovation madness in Mussomeli. After spending $63,600 to fix one sad pile of bricks, she's now dreaming of a yoga retreat and sipping coffee at a price that’s basically as rare as sanity in California. Her aunts are relocating, proving that financial disasters can sometimes yield the sweetest of community rebounds.
The Good Ol'Ads
Mike Tomlin Reportedly Led Push to Trade George Pickens Before Cowboys-Steelers Deal
Acidly: In a twist of fate, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin aimed to sweep George Pickens away faster than a disgraced politician. The kid’s talent? Unquestionable! But his antics? A circus act worthy of a fine at every turn. Tomlin, in a rare show of initiative, decided enough was enough and cut the rope. Now, Dallas gets to babysit this ticking time bomb. Let’s see if sharing the spotlight with CeeDee Lamb stops him from writing offensive poetry on his eye black or getting tossed for childish antics. Good luck, Cowboys!
Jennifer Lopez Reveals Her 'Promise' to Her Two Kids Amid Ben Affleck Divorce
Acidly: Jennifer Lopez, that beacon of perpetual optimism, bravely regaled us with tales of her "really tough year" – an epic battle against life’s villain known as divorce. Between venting about Ben Affleck and canceling a tour, she found solace in books and meditation. Cue the inspirational self-help montage! “I promised my twins a brighter future,” she claimed, as if they were doomed or something. A true phoenix, she emerged from the ashes, probably with an album title ready for the dreaded “relationship recovery” phase. Well done, J.Lo.
Old Soviet Venus lander's fall to Earth will be no ordinary space junk crash. Here's why
Acidly: A 50-year-old ghost of the Soviet space program, the Kosmos 482, is finally crashing back to Earth after missing its Venus rendezvous. Spoiler alert: it won't be the grand finale of fireworks we hoped for. This "landed-on-a-pedestal" relic is more likely to make a splash than a bang. With a reentry speed that could rival a meteorite, it’s set to hit around 150 mph, likely drowning itself in the ocean rather than making a dramatic impact—perfectly reflecting its half-century of mediocrity. Cheers to atmospheric drag!
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock futures are little changed after S&P 500 posts first positive day in three following Fed decision: Live updates
Acidly: Ah, the Federal Reserve, the magician who pulls rates out of a hat—only to reveal a stagnant economy and rising inflation. S&P futures twitch slightly downward, but who cares? It’s all about the thrill of uncertainty! Chair Jerome Powell’s response to tariffs? A magnificent "let's wait and see," because data is apparently a myth. Investors cling to Nvidia’s rise like a shipwrecked sailor to driftwood. Next up: jobless claims and earnings reports, the financial world’s version of waiting for a trainwreck. Enjoy the show!
Samsung finally has a launch date for the Galaxy S25 Edge
Acidly: Samsung's gearing up to unveil the Galaxy S25 Edge on May 12th because apparently, we all need another overpriced brick to clutter our lives. Teased back in January, this "slim marvel" boasts a 200-megapixel camera—great for capturing those crystal-clear selfies no one asked for. While Apple flounders with rumors of a "budget" iPhone, Samsung's promising to "set a new standard." Let’s hope that standard isn’t bankrupting us further. Stay tuned; it's the same hype, just a different model.
Ultraprocessed Foods Linked to Early Symptoms of Parkinson’s
Acidly: Surprise! Eating junk food might not just ruin your waistline; it could also be shaking up your brain. A recent study’s found that gorging on ultraprocessed delights—like soda and mystery meats—could increase your odds of developing early Parkinson’s symptoms. Who knew those crummy snacks were linked to tremors? The researchers aren’t saying they cause the disease, just that you're 2.5 times more likely to twitch after a binge. Guess it’s time to consider swapping chips for veggies—if you can peel yourself away from the couch.