New Pope Elected: Robert Prevost Named First American Pontiff in History

New Pope Has Creole Roots in New Orleans, Genealogist Says

Acidly: In a twist worthy of a soap opera, Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost is now Pope Leo XIV, and surprise, surprise—his family tree is rooted in New Orleans Creole culture. That's right, folks: a pope with a spicy heritage! Genealogist Honora, after due sleuthing, unearthed this juicy tidbit, fueling hopes that the history of Louisiana’s "gens de couleur libres" will finally get its due recognition. Because nothing screams "world's most powerful spiritual leader" like an ambiguous ancestry revelation in the age of ancestry websites.

New Pope Elected: Robert Prevost Named First American Pontiff in History

Acidly: White smoke over the Sistine Chapel could only mean one thing: the Vatican cardinals, those medieval decision-makers, stumbled upon an American—Robert Prevost, aka Leo XIV. What thrill, a yank in the papal seat! Prevost, the bishop who bravely added three women to the bishopric club, emerges after all of 24 hours of intense deliberation. Following the death of questionable liberal Pope Francis, it seems the Vatican wants a taste of the American dream—good luck with that. Can’t wait for the chaos!

Italian Chef Massimo Bottura on the Food Mistakes Tourists Always Make in Italy: Exclusive

Acidly: Massimo Bottura, Italy's culinary philosopher, decided Miami needed a taste of his artistic gastronomy. Enter Torno Subito, where decor whispers 'nostalgia' while the food dares you to breathe. Amid Miami's chaos, he's not spinning Michelin stars; he's inviting diners to actually savor their meals—an ancient concept, apparently. Pizza? It’s an art, not a delivery truck’s worst nightmare. So, forget your Coke and stiff schedule; Bottura preaches the slow, mindful ritual of eating—who knew dinner could be that involved?

The Good Ol'Ads

'This is new': Steph Curry's injury timeline vs. Wolves is getting worrisome

Acidly: Steph Curry's hamstring injury has him in an existential crisis worse than most. Fans wait but his return date? As predictable as the weather in San Francisco. With phrases like “healing process” and “I’m not rushing it,” he might as well be on a yoga retreat. The Warriors need him, but Curry’s playing it safe, contemplating life while shooting stationary shots—if he gets there. So, brace yourselves, Warriors fans: “special” moments may happen… just not anytime soon. Enjoy the underwhelming playoffs!

With Jury Nearly Finalized, Sean “Diddy” Combs’ Prosecutors Say They May Have Lost Key Witness

Acidly: In the riveting circus that is Sean “Diddy” Combs' trial, jury selection is more thrilling than any of his music. One juror struggled to finish a questionnaire, more entranced by Disney+ than by sexual assault allegations. Meanwhile, prosecutors admitted they've mislaid a key witness—Victim 3—who’s apparently gone ghost. Classic Diddy drama! As he wades through charges of racketeering and sex trafficking, the trial often feels like a reality show nobody asked for. Stay tuned for the inevitable episode of “Who’s Missing?”

A Soviet-era spacecraft built to land on Venus is falling to Earth instead

Acidly: Ah, Kosmos 482, a forgotten Soviet relic floating around for half a century, now on a dramatic dive back to Earth. Built to withstand Venusian hell, it might finally meet its match in our atmosphere. Experts can't precisely predict where it'll crash, but don’t worry: your odds of being crushed by it are better than winning the lottery. Should it land in your yard, call the authorities and don’t even think about keeping a souvenir; Russia might come knocking for their rusty piece of space junk. Enjoy the suspense!

The Good Ol'Ads

Bill Gates Accuses Elon Musk of ‘Killing Children’ by Cutting Foreign Aid

Acidly: In a classic billionaire showdown, Bill Gates accused Elon Musk of “killing” children in impoverished nations by gutting foreign aid as the Trump administration’s point man. Gates didn’t hold back, proclaiming Musk shoved U.S.A.I.D. into “the wood chipper.” Meanwhile, Musk continues to bask in his electric empire, all while Gates gears up to donate a mere $200 billion over 20 years—what a generous overlord! The sight of the world’s richest man playing God with the world’s poorest kids really warms the heart.

Nintendo's Switch 2 sales forecast predicts 15 million consoles in its first fiscal year

Acidly: Nintendo, the optimistic curmudgeons of gaming, just dialed back their sales estimates for the Switch 2 to a modest 15 million units. Apparently, they prefer to under-promise and over-deliver, or maybe they're just wary of US tariffs scaring off buyers. With 2.2 million pre-orders in Japan alone, they should be flying high, but the $450 price tag might send gamers scrambling. So, buckle up, folks—Nintendo hopes for a decent year despite a 30% sales plunge. Talk about managing expectations!

Interim Evaluation of Respiratory Syncytial ...

Acidly: In a zany twist of fate, RSV hospitalization rates for infants dipped like my enthusiasm for this report. From 2018-2020, a whopping 8.5 per 1,000 kids aged 0-7 were admitted during the 2024-25 season. So, thanks to maternal vaccines and nirsevimab—hot therapies with buzzwords galore—the numbers fell by 43%. But don’t pop the confetti just yet; older kids saw an uptick in hospital visits. So, the young'uns may be saved, but it seems the older ones are just as doomed as my faith in humanity. Cheers!