Tufts student Rümeysa Öztürk ordered freed from immigration detention
Acidly: Rümeysa Öztürk, a Tufts doctoral student, basked in the glow of freedom after a judge deemed her detention a sham—because writing an op-ed is, apparently, a crime now. Six weeks in a mouse-infested “luxury” ICE suite for critiquing Israel’s actions? Priceless. The court had no evidence against her, just a grumpy government hell-bent on silencing dissent. Meanwhile, Tufts expressed joy over her release, proving they’re all about supporting academic freedom—unless it’s inconvenient. Welcome back, Rümeysa; glad to see the system worked...sort of.
Live updates: Pakistan says India fired missiles at key military bases and that retaliation is underway
Acidly: The Indian Premier League, cricket's extravagant circus, takes a one-week hiatus thanks to India and Pakistan’s never-ending melodrama. With a hefty $12 billion price tag, the BCCI—bless their hearts—prioritized safety over cash. Who could've seen this coming? It’s like halting a Broadway show because the lead actors can't stop throwing tantrums backstage. Meanwhile, fans and sponsors are left twiddling thumbs. Here’s a thought: maybe next season, they can just play the matches in a war zone—talk about a thrilling atmosphere!
As it happened: Hectic high-speed sprint finish decides Giro d'Italia Stage 1 in Tirana
Acidly: In a thrilling start to the Giro d'Italia, Mads Pedersen snagged victory in Tirana, edging out Wout van Aert, who can now forever claim to be the second-best cyclist today. As the cyclists tackled climbs and dodged crashes, poor Mikel Landa found himself face-planted out of the competition post-descent. Pedersen basked in the glory of his first pink jersey—perfect for someone who enjoys showing off. Meanwhile, the crowd? Let’s just say the seats were emptier than an anti-vax rally.
The Good Ol'Ads
Report: Bill Belichick had P.R. expert Brandon Faber present at NYU book event
Acidly: In a shocking twist, Bill Belichick, the mastermind behind the Patriots’ glory days, is now mingling with PR guru Brandon Faber, apparently in search of someone to polish his tarnished image at UNC. Meanwhile, the 24-year-old Jordon Hudson, Belichick's controversial shadow, was reportedly banned from the UNC facility—though the school denied it. Oh, the drama! Hudson once played PR counselor to the team, suggesting ways to dodge nepotism claims. Classic. Can’t wait to see who’ll actually get hired to clean up this delightful mess.
Sean Combs' lawyer says rapper admits to 'domestic violence' in relationship
Acidly: In the latest exhibit of moral decay, Sean “Diddy” Combs is prepping for his sex trafficking trial with a masterclass in blame-shifting. His lead counsel claims “mutual violence” explains the rapper's history of alleged domestic chaos. Apparently, when you’re a super-rich celebrity, both parties getting socked is an acceptable defense—who knew? With video evidence of Combs dishing out brutality to ex Cassie, he’s still not budging on the “not guilty” plea. Jury selection is a circus and everyone's just waiting for the next plot twist in this real-life soap opera. Bravo!
Doomed Soviet spacecraft Kosmos 482 could hit Earth tonight. Here's when.
Acidly: Ah, the Kosmos 482, that glorified hunk of Soviet junk, is finally crashing back to Earth after its impressive 50-year boredom buffet! Experts predict it’ll plummet at 2:26 a.m. EDT, give or take hours—because who doesn’t love a little uncertainty? While the ocean probably avoids being a landing pad this time—talk about a lucky break!—there’s still a one-in-a-thousand chance it’ll land on you. Wonderful! Just another reminder that despite our advanced tech, we can’t even keep our space trash in check.
The Good Ol'Ads
Newark Airport radar outage strikes again, delaying more flights
Acidly: Newark Liberty International Airport's air traffic control system is clearly still in the Dark Ages. Just days after a cringe-worthy crash of communications, it decided to entertain us again with another charming 90-second blackout. So apparently, fiber optics are reserved for the internet in our living rooms, not for keeping planes in the air. Controllers are skipping work faster than flights are being canceled. Maybe they’re just trying to avoid becoming the next headline. But hey, who needs a functioning radar anyway?
Get ready for DOOM: The Dark Ages with our Pre-Launch Checklist
Acidly: Hell's minions are practically knocking at your door! Gear up for DOOM: The Dark Ages, dropping May 15. For those with a "Premium" edition—because nothing screams elite like a digital artbook—you can start the carnage early on May 13. Just make sure you clear 100GB off your console; you know, because space for demonic destruction is a must. And PC gamers? If your rig isn't up to code with a ray-tracing GPU, prepare for a rude awakening. Welcome to the Dark Ages, where your hardware decides your fate!
The US has 1,001 measles cases and 11 states with active outbreaks
Acidly: Congratulations, America! You've officially surpassed 1,000 measles cases, a delightful reminder that ignorance and anti-vax sentiments are alive and well. Texas leads the pack with 709 cases—nothing screams "progress" like children dying from a preventable illness. Other states like Indiana and Michigan are joining the party, too. Measles is preventable, folks—just a little jab can save lives—but hey, who needs common sense when you have conspiracy theories? Enjoy your outbreaks, America!