See Historical Records Documenting the Pope’s Creole Roots in New Orleans
Acidly: In a plot twist that’s either divine or downright absurd, Chicago’s Robert Francis Prevost emerged as the first American pope, now dubbed Leo XIV. But wait! A genealogist casually revealed he’s got more layers than a Catholic onion, tracing his roots back to Creole ancestors from the racially-charged streets of New Orleans. Apparently, he can switch racial identities at will—because why not? So, while he preaches to migrants, his family was busy trading Black for white. Guess it’s all about adapting!
Ukraine ceasefire call aimed at forcing Putin to reveal his war goals to Trump
Acidly: In a bizarre game of diplomatic chicken, Europe’s leaders lay out a 30-day ceasefire option for Putin, who’s probably sharpening his lies instead of his pencils. Ukraine scrambles to prep, as if a month of faux peace could stop Russia from annihilating them. Macron and crew hope Trump won’t throw a tantrum and cut off aid, leaving Kyiv to the wolves. Spoiler: Putin won’t play nice; he thrives on chaos. The outcome? A masquerade of peace while the war machine grinds on, proving once again that diplomacy is just theater for the gullible.
Funeral held for RWU student who passed away in Italy
Acidly: Oh, the heartwarming tale of Paige Moreau, a bright young star who tragically decided to check out early while studying abroad. Attending a Mass of Christian Burial at Saint James Church must've been such a unique bonding experience for her community. They’ll surely remember the architecture student who interned with Bisbano + Associates, cracking her voice at 20 like a seasoned pro. Here’s to substance-free living and honoring legacies—because nothing says you’ve made an impact quite like a funeral and a press release.
The Good Ol'Ads
Kellen Moore declares open QB competition among Tyler Shough, Jake Haener, Spencer Rattler
Acidly: Welcome to the post-Derek Carr era, where the New Orleans Saints play musical chairs with three not-so-illustrious quarterbacks. Rookie Tyler Shough, alongside Jake Haener and Spencer Rattler, is in a fierce competition to find out who gets the honor of leading this sinking ship. Coach Kellen Moore insists one will "rise" because apparently, mediocrity is a virtue. Meanwhile, they might just sign a veteran to mellow the chaos. Brace yourselves, fans; it’s going to be a long season of cringe-worthy plays.
Box Office: ‘Thunderbolts*’ on Top Again in Second Weekend, ‘Sinners’ Crossing $200 Million Domestic
Acidly: Marvel's “Thunderbolts*” shoved its way to another boring weekend at the box office, scraping together $9 million—yawn. It's hit $100 million, a feat for a flick that relies on lesser-known heroes. Sure, it’s crumbling slower than “Captain America: Brave New World,” but at a $180 million budget, it's still an impending financial disaster. Meanwhile, the unoriginal “Sinners” crossed $200 million, proving audiences love a good rerun. As for the rest? Well, let's just say the new releases look like train wrecks no one wants to watch.
Soviet-era Venus probe plunges back to Earth after 53 years
Acidly: Ah, Kosmos 482, the Soviet space probe that spent over 50 years in a lazy orbit before deciding to take a plunge into the Indian Ocean. Launched in 1972 to explore Venus—Earth’s dreaded doppelgänger—it instead got lost and never left the planet's orbit. Roscosmos reports it "no longer exists," which is poetic for "it was a colossal failure." But don’t worry, Russia's cooking up a new mission to send us back to Venus, the planet that makes your ex look inviting. Good luck with that!
The Good Ol'Ads
Another Newark air traffic control outage confirmed, FAA lifts construction-related ground stop
Acidly: Another day, another disaster at Newark Liberty Airport. The FAA confirmed yet another air traffic control blackout, leaving planes circling like lost sheep. Both controllers and FedEx pilots are stuck playing a game of "Where's the radar?" Meanwhile, dignitaries strategize over how to rescue this long-suffering airport. With construction on top of a staffing crisis, travelers are left with canceled flights and empty promises. So, if you’ve got a ticket, pack a snack; this circus is sticking around.
Doom: The Dark Ages, 36 GPU Benchmark
Acidly: Doom: The Dark Ages is here to blind you with its gloss and make your wallet weep. Powered by the idTech8 engine, it demands a GPU that can handle fancy ray-tracing or you'll suffer frame rate agony. Benchmark tests reveal that, shockingly, the GTX 5080 isn’t all it's cracked up to be—surprise! The performance leap from Ultra Nightmare to Low is like stepping off a curb. Lower-end GPUs, you're out of luck, while AMD gives Nvidia a run for its money. The sad truth? The game looks gorgeous, but textures will haunt your nightmares if you're stuck in the 8GB era.
Measles Cases In The U.S. Just Hit 1,000. RFK Jr. Still Isn't Taking It Seriously.
Acidly: Ah, nothing says "public health crisis" quite like a conspiracy theorist running the HHS during a measles outbreak. With 1,001 cases reported and children dropping like flies, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. still insists on brushing it off, citing "normalcy." Because who needs facts when you have unproven treatments and wild claims about vaccines? Good luck convincing people to vaccinate when your top health official is suggesting vitamin therapy. At this rate, the only thing spreading faster than measles is ignorance.