Here's what U.S. Catholics are saying about the election of Pope Leo XIV
Acidly: Oh, glorious day! U.S. Catholics have officially entered the golden age of papal pride, now that Chicago's Robert Prevost is the first American pope, crowned Pope Leo XIV. Gasp! Joyous congregants packed pews from New Orleans to Chicago, hoping to bask in his "down-to-earth" glow. Grandma Angie dreams of her grandson's ascension to the papacy. Yes, folks, it’s just what we needed: a pontiff with family ties to a highway. Amazing times ahead for 1.4 billion souls—let the meme-making commence!
Hamas says it will release US-Israeli captive Edan Alexander
Acidly: Hamas is feeling generous—or at least pretending to. They’re planning to release Edan Alexander, a dual US-Israeli captive, to stir the pot for a ceasefire. Meanwhile, Israel continues its humanitarian heart attack on Gaza, blocking aid for 70 days because who needs food and medicine, right? Oh, and let’s not forget the Israeli government, which seems more interested in land than lives. But sure, let's all be optimistic about “progress.” Because what’s the worst that could happen when talking to terrorists?
Resistance and extractivism: Inside Carrara, Italy’s home of white marble
Acidly: Carrara, once the dazzling marble heart of Italy, now resembles a punchline in a tragic joke. The Apuan Alps, once mighty, are now exploited husks where workers' dreams vanish under heavy trucks and pollution. This historical gem, once brimming with artisanal pride, now spits out shiny blocks for foreign markets, while locals flee to survive. Automation reigns, and the quarries feast greedily on the land. Here, amid the decay, artists whisper rebellion through cheap satire and collective sculptures, seeking a future between dust and despair.
The Good Ol'Ads
Colorado Rockies fire manager Bud Black a day after losing 21-0 to San Diego
Acidly: In a stunning act of mercy, the Colorado Rockies have decided to fire Bud Black after a dismal 7-33 start—one of the worst in MLB history. Apparently, a 9-3 win over San Diego on Sunday wasn’t enough to save his job, likely because it followed a delightful 21-0 drubbing. Enter Warren Schaeffer, the interim savior, straight from the third base coach’s box. With a roster that screams “what could’ve been,” the Rockies continue to prove that when it comes to baseball, mediocrity is their crowning achievement.
Gisele Bündchen Shares First Photos of Her New Baby Son, Explains Why She's Been 'Quiet' on Social Media Since His Birth
Acidly: Gisele Bündchen decided to bring her new baby son into the Instagram limelight, because, you know, what's more authentic than a photo op on Mother's Day? After months of blissful silence, she claims to be "living in the moment," whatever that means. Oh, and she took a moment to honor her late mother, because clearly the universe revolves around her feelings. Meanwhile, the name of the baby remains a mystery, likely to keep us all on the edge of our seats. Thanks, Gisele, we can hardly contain our excitement.
Soviet spacecraft crashes into Earth 53 years after its failed mission to Venus
Acidly: A Soviet rust bucket that should have gone to Venus made its grand re-entry this weekend, plummeting over the Indian Ocean like a drunken cosmonaut returning from a mission to oblivion. Launched in 1972, Kosmos 482 couldn't find its way out of Earth's orbit, and after a half-century, it finally met gravity in a flaming finale. Did it survive? Who cares! Scientists, glued to their monitors, couldn’t even track the debris. So, maybe only some confused whales witnessed this spectacular fail. Unlucky them.
The Good Ol'Ads
Zepbound beats Wegovy for weight loss in first head-to-head trial of blockbuster drugs
Acidly: In a thrilling showdown of obesity drugs, Eli Lilly’s Zepbound has decisively obliterated Novo Nordisk’s Wegovy in the weight-loss Olympics. Participants on Zepbound shed a staggering 50 pounds compared to Wegovy’s pathetic 33. Sure, both come with side effects that’ll have you questioning your life choices—nausea, constipation, and the ominous promise of complications. But hey, who doesn’t love a good weight-loss journey tainted by digestive dread? Join the party: obesity might be epidemic, but with pills on the market, at least the profits are healthy.
The Backbone Pro controller makes mobile gaming worth the hassle
Acidly: Backbone is here to save mobile gaming with its ridiculously overpriced Backbone Pro controller, because, you know, who doesn't want to shell out $170 to play phone games with full-size joysticks? The irony of using your smartphone, designed for Insta scrolls and TikToks, for gaming is not lost on me. Sure, the Pro is comfy and intuitive—guess those celebrity investors really know their stuff! But hey, if you’re not hopping between cloud games on your TV and your phone, just stick to the $100 Backbone One.
Are your allergies worse than usual? Here's why, and what you can do to help
Acidly: Ah, spring in Illinois: the season when everything blooms—except your sinuses. Allergies are back, and they’re throwing a full-blown pollen party featuring maple, birch, and ash. Thanks to our lovely wind and warmth, expect a delightful cocktail of itchy eyes and running noses. Experts suggest showering like you’ve just wrestled in a pollen field and tossing your clothes out like they’re a bad date. Because who doesn’t love medicating themselves just to breathe? Enjoy the outdoors, just...not really.