Supreme Court rebukes Texas judges, backs hearing before deportation for detained Venezuelans
Acidly: In a dramatic showdown that could only occur in Trump’s America, the Supreme Court slapped down Texas judges for trying to whisk Venezuelan detainees to an El Salvador prison faster than you can say "due process." The Court quipped that, no, hasty deportations don't abide by the Constitution—even if it is under a 1798 wartime law. Trump wailed about "criminals" flooding the nation, while the ACLU celebrated a small victory. But hey, what's a little lawfulness among friends trying to play judge and jury?
Peace Talks Between Russia and Ukraine Stop After Short Meeting
Acidly: In a melodramatic twist, Ukrainian and Russian negotiators sat down in Istanbul, spending a riveting hour and forty minutes discussing the ultimate prisoner swap: 1,000 souls each. No cease-fire? No problem! The Russians demanded Ukraine hand over territory like a kid lending toys they still play with. Putin, channeling Napoleon, insists war and chats go hand in hand. Zelensky calls the talks a “staged process.” Ah, diplomacy at its finest—let’s pray the next act isn’t catastrophic.
As it happened: UAE Team Emirates-XRG go 1-2 as stage 7 crowns a new Giro d'Italia leader
Acidly: Ah, the Giro d’Italia—where riders cling to life while scaling mountains and dodging crashes like they're auditioning for "Wipeout." Stage 7? A real treat: 3,300m of elevation punctuated by wet roads that turned yesterday into a circus of broken bones. Jai Hindley fractured a vertebra; cheers to that! Juan Ayuso launched to victory in the final 400m, while Roglič—famed for his tactical brilliance—finished fourth. Pink jersey short-lived, but hey, who needs tactics when you can just "not fight"? Classic.
The Good Ol'Ads
Knicks vs. Celtics odds, prediction, spread, start time: 2025 NBA playoff picks, Game 6 bets by proven model
Acidly: It's Boston vs. New York again, folks! The Celtics, living on borrowed playoff time after avoiding elimination with a 127-102 win, are hoping to channel their inner invincibility for Game 6. With a roster minus Jayson Tatum and a questionable Achiuwa, the Knicks are itching to crash the Celtics’ party. Come Friday, tune in to watch these overpaid athletes battle it out while you ponder why you’re not betting on it. Spoiler: The odds scream a Knicks victory, but who doesn't love an underdog?
Sean 'Diddy' Combs trial recap: Cassie Ventura concludes testimony detailing 'freak-offs,' alleged abuse
Acidly: A U.S. District Judge, possibly bored out of his mind, dismissed jurors for a weekend of sports, reminding them that they’re vital to democracy—too bad he didn’t extend that energy to expedite the case at hand. Meanwhile, Cassie Ventura's emotional testimony against Sean Combs drags on like a bad reality show, filled with tales of violence, chaos, and "freak offs." It’s drama worthy of an MTV special, though no one is laughing. What a blissfully tragic affair, punctuated by egg skillet assaults and a judge urging everyone to hurry up.
Ancient three-eyed predator was ‘unlike any living animal’
Acidly: Meet Mosura fentoni, the ancient three-eyed "sea moth" that prowled oceans 506 million years ago. Standing proud at the size of an index finger, it was basically a marine Picasso with its weird, serrated mouth and unneeded third eye. Despite its fascinating anatomy, it's no longer around. Thanks to a pile of fossils, scientists are now pretending this thing tells us about evolution, while secretly mourning its extinction. In short, Mosura: the ugly duckling of the Cambrian that never got its fairy tale.
The Good Ol'Ads
Moody’s Downgrades U.S. Credit Rating Below Triple-A
Acidly: In yet another bout of fiscal circus, Moody's downgraded the U.S. credit rating, just below triple-A. Awesome, right? Republican antics in Congress threaten to frolic with nearly $4 trillion in tax cuts while ignoring a debt of over $36 trillion. And, tax-slashing dreams continue, even as bond vigilantes get itchy, signaling that your credit card just got a bit heavier. It's like watching a slow-motion train wreck, but who needs stability when you can have chaos? Welcome to democracy, folks!
Nintendo details Switch 2 updates for Switch games
Acidly: Nintendo’s launching the Switch 2, which is apparently a miracle worker for older games. Pokémon Scarlet, once a glitchy mess, is among the “lucky” titles getting a tune-up. Sure, a few extra frames per second and HDR might fix the train-wreck visuals. But let’s be real, it’s still Pokemon. Players will trudge through pixelated nostalgia while praying it’s less of a dumpster fire. Another half-baked update won't save this franchise from itself, but hey, at least June 5th will bring more disappointment!
Gene editing helped a desperately ill baby thrive. Scientists say it could someday treat millions
Acidly: In a heartwarming tale straight out of a sci-fi novel, baby KJ Muldoon beat the odds with a custom gene editing treatment. Diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that leaves most infants doomed, he’s now thriving after getting “CRISPR’d.” Yes, a therapy designed just for him, because why let kids with common ailments steal the limelight? Doctors are cautiously optimistic, but as they say, it’s early days. Who needs liver transplants when you can just “flip” your DNA like a light switch? Science, folks. Isn’t it just adorable?