Apple is trying to get ‘LLM Siri’ back on track

Authorities say suspect in California fertility clinic bombing left behind ‘anti-pro-life’ writings

Acidly: In a desperate bid for attention, 25-year-old Guy Edward Bartkus turned a Southern California fertility clinic into his personal fireworks show. With anti-pro-life rants scribbled like a toddler's manifesto, he detonated a car bomb, killing himself and injuring four others. At least the embryos survived—small consolation for a tragedy that highlights just how quirky the human psyche can get. Congratulations, Bartkus! You've officially achieved the “largest downfall in Southern California.” Bravo.

Romania election: Pro-EU centrist Nicusor Dan wins runoff

Acidly: In a nail-biter of an election that could only happen in a country wrestling with its identity, Romania chose centrist Nicusor Dan over far-right George Simion in a runoff. Dan's victory, proclaiming a pro-EU stance, did little to squash Simion's delusions of grandeur as he claimed to be the "real winner." Meanwhile, as both candidates hurled post-election tantrums, Romania's political scene became a circus, complete with cries of Russian meddling and accusations of Western interference. Oh, democracy, how you love drama!

There are plenty of one-euro homes hidden all over Sicily. These brothers want to find them for you

Acidly: Welcome to the latest "deal of the century"—one-euro homes in Sicily! Antonino and Carmelo Cuschera, the dynamic duo of dilapidation, are on a mission to unload crumbling relics on unsuspecting foreigners. They’ll gladly sell you a piece of history at rock-bottom prices—just be prepared to navigate a bureaucratic maze to prove you can own the dang thing. Forget renovations; why restore when you can own a monument to neglect? Who doesn’t dream of owning a “corner of paradise” perched precariously on the brink of collapse?

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PGA Championship Final Round live updates: Scottie Scheffler, after nearly blowing lead, rallies for dominant win

Acidly: Scottie Scheffler, the king of the emotional rollercoaster, nearly self-destructed on Sunday, but don’t worry; he didn't. After watching his five-shot lead vanish quicker than your New Year’s resolution, he somehow recovered and claimed his first PGA Championship. Cue the confetti and $3.42 million check! Meanwhile, Jon Rahm had a spectacular choke that could rival your last Tinder date. But hey, Scheffler’s back-to-back birdies saved the day—a true Hollywood ending for the world’s top golfer.

Mariska Hargitay says she's been 'living a lie,' reveals true identity of her biological father in new doc

Acidly: In a dramatic twist fit for a soap opera, Mariska Hargitay reveals her long-lost Italian father is not the muscle-bound Mickey Hargitay, but a crooner named Nelson Sardelli. After 30 years of blissfully living a lie, she has a heart-pounding revelation, complete with tears and a SVU-level confrontation. Despite the emotional rollercoaster, Mariska pledges loyalty to the dad she never knew she had, proving that even in chaos, family loyalty is the ultimate soap opera cliché. She did get two adorable kids, though. Cheers!

Hidden source of clean energy could power Earth for 170,000 years

Acidly: Exciting news! Apparently, our planet's crust is hiding enough hydrogen to power us for 170,000 years. Of course, we’ve only managed to tap a mere 0.1% of this "green" hydrogen—who knew being environmentally responsible could be so hard? Scientists are developing an elaborate “cooking recipe" for extraction, but let’s face it, one wrong step and we’ll be left with nothing but a burnt soufflé. Meanwhile, the world guzzles energy like there’s no tomorrow. Cheers to that!

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Stock futures slide after U.S. debt downgrade highlights deficit risk: Live updates

Acidly: Ah, credit downgrades: America’s way of throwing a tantrum in front of the global audience. Moody’s just decided we’re one step away from unsupervised couch surfing. Dow futures kicked the bucket, plunging down 292 points, because nothing signals financial prowess like watching your credit score drop. Foreign investors are giggling, while Boockvar declares our debt is like a teenager’s room—messy and in desperate need of a cleanup. Welcome to the circus, folks! Enjoy the show!

Apple is trying to get ‘LLM Siri’ back on track

Acidly: Apple's AI game would make a toddler look like Einstein. After bungling Siri, they’ve finally decided to reboot—like it’s the ‘90s. Insiders reveal the real action: they’re tearing down old Siri to piece together a chatbot that doesn’t suck. Meanwhile, the AI chief, John Giannandrea, is getting ushered onto the retirement express after failing to see the oncoming AI freight train. So, as Apple flails about trying to catch up, you can bet the next Siri will at least say “I’m sorry” for the last one’s blunders.

Girls who eat healthier may get their periods later, study finds

Acidly: In a groundbreaking revelation that no one saw coming, girls with “healthier” diets are reportedly waiting longer to start their periods. Shocking, right? According to a study involving 7,500 girls, those munching on kale instead of junk were 16% less likely to bleed prematurely. Meanwhile, those devouring inflammatory delights might start earlier. Experts, however, warn against jumping to conclusions—because clearly, teenage girls are known for their stellar dietary choices. Let’s just hope they don’t mistake salad for a way to dodge adolescence.