Sixth Orleans jail escapee captured, leaving four on the loose
Acidly: In a riveting sequel to the "Great Orleans Jailbreak," three more escapees were recaptured—yawn. Lenton VanBuren Jr. got caught looking like a villain straight out of a B-movie in Baton Rouge, while his pals Leo Tate and Jermaine Donald were snagged in Walker County, Texas. Just two fugitives, Antoine and Derrick, remain at large, both unfazed by the $20,000 bounty on their heads. Meanwhile, authorities celebrate their "victories," and family members play their part in this theatrical farce. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion!
Police say driver who plowed into Liverpool soccer fans acted alone, not believed to be terrorism
Acidly: In a tragically comedic turn of events, a 53-year-old man decided that ruining a Liverpool championship parade was a better idea than celebrating. The gray minivan, evidently mistaking itself for a battering ram, injured over 45 fans who were blissfully waving scarves, only to be treated like bowling pins. Apparently, this wasn’t terrorism—because who needs a motive when you can just crash a party? As for the victims, they were merely "innocent" until their joyous day took a nosedive into chaos. Bravo, humanity!
Bari, Italy, Transformed Its Identity. Here Come the Tourists.
Acidly: Oh, Bari, the Italian port city that apparently took a break from being boring long enough to attract tourists. Locals are thrilled to cash in on visitors who only came for Instagram selfies. Charming streets? Check. Overpriced gelato? Double check. Who knew that sprucing up a dilapidated waterfront could turn your sleepy town into a tourist trap? Welcome to the new Bari: where authenticity takes a back seat to soulless souvenir shops. Enjoy the crowds, folks! Can't wait to see you squabble over gelato flavors!
The Good Ol'Ads
What Knicks surviving a Jalen Brunson dud means for the rest of Eastern Conference finals
Acidly: In a basketball fairy tale gone wrong, the Knicks showed up exactly when no one believed they could. Trailing by 20, they kicked it into gear like a diesel engine that's been asleep since the 90s. McBride thought he was the star, Towns had a glorious "look at me" moment, and Hart jumped onto the rebound bandwagon like it was Black Friday. And Jalen Brunson? Yeah, he was just chilling on the bench, practicing his "disappointment" face with five fouls. Who needs stars when you've got a circus?
Here Are the 2025 American Music Awards Winners (Updating Live)
Acidly: Ah, the American Music Awards, where we gather to determine who deserves the hollow glory of a trophy. Kendrick Lamar leads the pack with a staggering ten nominations—bless his heart. Post Malone sulks behind with eight, while Billie Eilish and others with seven nods wait for musical validation like pitiful puppies. Jennifer Lopez will grace us as host, because nothing screams genuine excitement quite like her rehearsed charm. Tune in to see whose ego gets inflated tonight. Who even cares?
Five-year study suggests chimpanzees strike stones against trees as form of communication
Acidly: In a groundbreaking revelation, chimpanzees in West Africa have proved they're not just swinging from trees but also hitting stones to make music—because why not? After five years of these scientists filming the chimp drama like it's the next reality show, they discovered “stone-assisted drumming.” Turns out, chimpanzees pant-hoot, then strike stones with their impressive lack of rhythm. Who knew learning to bang rocks was cultural transmission? Great job, chimps! Now, let's hope they don't start charging for concert tickets.
The Good Ol'Ads
Dow futures rise 400 points after Trump announces extension on EU tariff: Live updates
Acidly: In a classic case of “Let’s kick the can down the road,” President Trump decided to delay his ominous 50% tariffs on the EU after a plea from Ursula von der Leyen. Wall Street responded like a kid with candy, sending futures soaring – because who doesn't love a good short-term sugar rush? Investors might want to hold their breath, though; underlying worries remain. After a losing week, they’re glued to their screens, hoping the next round of economic data doesn’t gut them like a fish.
Apple's Rumored Smart Home Hub Has Faced a Disappointing Setback
Acidly: In a shocking twist, Apple has snatched some features from its long-awaited smart home hub, leaving loyal fans gasping in utter indifference. Spoiler alert: we still don't know what they were, but it's a masterclass in anticipation management. Sure, Gurman claims this hasty retreat is to speed up the launch, which is almost guaranteed to be postponed again. So, set your calendars for the “most significant release” of 2025—if it exists. Meanwhile, keep waiting for your magical control panel that’s probably just a glorified iPad. Apple fans, rejoice?
New COVID-19 Variant NB.1.8.1 Causes Surge In China, Spreading In U.S.
Acidly: Ah, COVID-19, like an unwanted pet that refuses to die. Meet its latest sidekick, the NB.1.8.1 variant – because who doesn’t love an extra layer of anxiety? As it rampages through China and is cozying up in the U.S., we’re back to ER visits surging. But don’t worry! Politicians are on it—oh wait, they’re too busy bickering about masks. With an FDA that’s seemingly lost the plot, we’re all just beta testers for “COVID Roulette.” Enjoy the ride, folks!